Re: Hi, Advice please on a tricky situation
Hi melfphor, to nmp.
Ok, this is a tricky one. Let me ask you - what exactly would be different for you if you told your ex-wife? Is it like you feel you have to get this out of you to move on? I do understand that, but how would you feel if she just threw it back in your face, as you say she will? Would you feel any better? If you would, then maybe you should just say it and be done with it. You clearly do need some closure to help you move on, maybe there is another way to get it? Have you thought about writing a letter? Some years ago I had a few things I needed to say to someone, but couldn't do it physically. So, I wrote a very honest letter, put it in an envelope... then stored it away in a box of old stuff in the garage. I never actually sent the letter, but it helped me so much to just write it. I've looked at the letter a couple of times over the years, and now it provokes no feeling in me at all - I have moved on.
20 years ago, I was in an on/off relationship with someone. Whilst we were 'off', I found out I was pregnant - we got back together. It lasted maybe 6 weeks, then I couldn't cope any more. We split again, and a couple of weeks later I had an abortion. I am not proud of that, I hope I won't be judged for it. Anyway, I didn't discuss my decision with my ex, I waited until after it was done then called him to tell him. I was very cold, just told him the facts and hung up. 5 years later, I had a 1 year old baby. I hadn't seen my ex in all of that time. Suddenly, I found myself obsessing over him - I wanted to see him. I bumped in to him on a night out and couldn't stop thinking about him after that. I started acting like a crazy woman, driving around near where he lived and worked, hoping to bump in to him again. He was settled with a lovely girl, but I couldn't stop myself obsessing. I had no idea what exactly I wanted from him, I just wanted something! Eventually, I found his phone number and called. His partner answered, and fair play to her she passed the phone to him. I can't even remember what I said, I was so mixed up then. I'm telling you this because it may be something similar to what you are feeling yourself. I think in my case, I was looking for closure about the abortion, I think I needed to feel that in my ex's eyes, I was still a human being after doing such a terrible thing. Does this make sense? I guess it did help making that call, because it has not been an issue for me since...
I was single during all of this, there was no-one to hurt but myself. The last thing you want to do is upset your partner. Be very careful, think of your partner and children - they are what's important now. What I mean is, don't do anything drastic, keep it sane and realistic, and don't let it take over your life. Call your ex, write a letter - just say it and move on if that's what you need to do. This is to help you, not your ex (from what you say she doesn't deserve your help or pity). Like I said, I do understand the need for closure.
One last thing - do you REALLY still love her? Or is it that you miss the person you were back then (as in, not depressed)? You have guilt over what happened - guilt is a dangerous, destructive thing that can ruin lives - it needs to be dealt with. Home truths? You have an issue that you are ready to deal with, either accept what you did and forgive yourself, or tell your ex you're sorry. Just don't be surprised if her reaction doesn't actually make you feel any better. I really think it's the person that you were yourself that you miss, not your ex.
I hope this helps a little
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