Horrible thought worrying me:(((

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you both. My husband has removed the knife block for now as the intrusive thought upset me that much, now I'm worried he shouldn't have removed it? Will I make it worse?

With me I knew I wouldn't do it, I didn't want to, I'm not an angry person but the thought scared me and thd guilt got to me so much that yesterday that I couldn't look at my children without crying:(( I really beat myself up for the thought and panicked I was ill or something. Wondered if I should stay away from my family:( All day I felt sick and anxious:(

I'm hoping it won't be long until I see a therapist and I will mention the thought buy what can I so until then?:/

Thanks so much for replying. My son is having EMDR as of next week as my brother scared him too:(

[Tessar]

Hi Pearl - I'm glad that the others have been able to help you here. Guilt is a very powerful emotion but you have no reason here to feel any guilt at all, you're feeling all these things as a result of the traumtic things your brother did to you. Anyone subjected to something like that is going to have some after effects.
Also - keep reminding yourself that these are just thoughts. If you were to turn this on it's head, you wouldnt feel guilty for thinking for instance "I adore my children, they're my world". Because this is something that makes you feel proud and fulfilled - because your children are so meaningful to you, its a nice warm and reassuring thought.
If you go to the other extreme and think about how you were subjected to the trauma by your brother, no wonder those thoughts fill you with fear. Perhaps because your immediate family - and most in particular your children - are so dear to you, it is understandable you fear harm coming to them. The idea of you harming them is almost unbearable. But the thoughts you have and their attachment to reality are very far removed. Very far indeed. I get the whole knife thought thing. Like I'm going to stick it in my partner but I always remind myself its just a passing thought and I'm not going to do it.
You say it yourself "I've not got a nasty bone in my body". Your husband is most definitely right in saying you have not changed and you are still you. Really you are. You've demonstrated that again and again - not least in your description below of how you handled the situation with your daughter going a tad too far. But that's just kids for you, they do these things and you handled that situation admirably.
Just in the same way, Pearl, that you are handling all these horrible thoughts in an admirable fashion. Its no doubt that the events of the last few months have taken their toll on you which is perfectly natural. But with these things happening, they are influencing your thoughts and the way you pay attention to your thoughts. Before your brother did what he did to you, if you'd have had one of these knife thoughts, you'd have brushed it off like a silly, unrealistic thing that just came & went in your mind faster almost than you thought it. Because of what's happened, the thoughts are now lingering and the longer they stay, the harder they are to get rid of.
So you've been diagnosed with PTSD - it's that which is altering your thoughts and how you read them. But it is treatable and you are still you, nothing is going to change that. Like you say, you dont have a nasty bone in your body. Nothing that's happened here is ever going to change that, Pearl, for sure. Once you are able to see your therapist things will get better. Meanwhile one thing that I think is going to help you meanwhile is to stay in contact on here. Because in many ways, just talking it about it eases the pressure, plus there are many people here able to offer reassurance to you and ideas or explanations for some of how you feel.
You are still you, a loving and caring mother who protects and nurtures her children and has a caring husband who is being supportive and wise too. You need to be there with your family. Remind yourself that you are still kind, loving and caring. When you get the less pleasant thoughts, notice that they are just that. Thoughts. Allow them to come, notice them but then allow them to flow away. Replace them with warm feelings and thoughts. The lovely feeling of warmth when you are cuddling your children. That is very special. You are special. You will get there Pearl but because of the severity of what's happened, you need time. Gradually you can heal from all of this & be more happy again.

[Arnie365]

Hi Pearl Ive not had this exact thought but have had a few intrusive thoughts when I look back and well before I was aware I had anxiety. If someone annoyed me sometimes I would get a thought like if push came to shove, I could kill you if I wanted. Almost like I could actually go that far and take a life. I never thought much about it as knew I wouldnt ever do it but did feel guilty for having the thoughts so I can only imagine what its like having thoughts about harming your family. Its so obvious you love them though you would never do it but i can see why its so disturbing for you.

As for moving the knifes, I would say that its only a short term fix and to get over your fear you need to expose yourself to being around knifes and just dismissing the thoughts as just that, thoughts and not facts. However, given you are going to therapy soon if it helps, then keep them out of the way until you can get proper instruction from your therapist about exposure but hiding away isnt a solution and will only make your fear worse.

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you both so so much. I actually feel much better and the thoughts haven't upset me today, I know I love my children and they are my world, I've never hurt them in my life and I never would.

I'm hoping once I see a therapist I can open up about this but I was scared to incase someone took my children from me.

I'm feeling much better today but worrying why I had to get rid of the knives. If I had them in my house now I'd just feel upset at the thoughts I had but then I punish myself thinking am I hiding them away incase I don't trust myself and deep down that's my biggest fear that maybe I don't trust myself?:/

[Arnie365]

its normal. its the guilt making you think like this. You do know deep down that you wouldn't harm them so take strength from that.

[Bonnibelle]

Thanks Arnie.

I actually was cleaning the cutlery drawer earlier and came across an old sharp knife, I held it, felt and thought nothing bad at all. My husband said to me it show its a fleeting thought that I've had and it means nothing, I wouldn't ever act upon it, but it's terrifying all the same. I am still anxious about the thought I had but seeing that knife has reassured me its a thought and means nothing.

[saintanselm]

Pearl. Here's a tip that might help. Well it helps me... I find that I'm much more prone to intrusive thoughts when I'm very tired. If I've slept well am well fed and looking after myself I'm mentally much more stronger to cope with intrusive thoughts.

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you I'm sleeping quite badly recently and I didn't eat for 2 days after that thought:(

[EmilyK83]

My brother had the same worries - he'd see a programme on tv about serial killers and would constantly worry about the fact that he might have that instinct hidden away.

He had CBT on the NHS which helped him a lot - it may be worth chatting to your GP to see if you can be referred? x

[Bonnibelle]

Thanks Emily, we had a local murder here so I think that has really upset me.

I have had CBT in the past so I am going to ask my GP today for some help as the traumas I have been through recently with family have made me feel so ill x