Dreading/Panicking about tomorrow

[fran43]

I failed to sleep well last night and have been up since 3.00am.

Tomorrow I saee the CMHT worker at our surgery. I am taking my husband with me for support and so he can talk should I clam up.

I asked him to make a list of how he feels and then compared mine to his. (He had quite a few things missing from his list!).

What I WANT and NEED is not necessarily what I am going to get. All I know is that I am attempting to do things I haven't accomplished in months yet I feel if I mention these the worker will minimise how I am. I want a therapist of even a day hospital to get my mind going on other things. It may not work but at least then I would have tried.

My husband took early retirement so private treatment/therapy is out and therefore I rely on the NHS.

I know I need help outside of medication and feel I have the right to ask for this. I have seen him once before and it was he who suggested I walked around the park and eventually it would become pleasurable!! (Should have taken him with me). How wrong he is. They seem to assess on the time allocated to each patients but are not there 24/7 to see how a person actually is.

Is there anything else that anyone can think of that I might of missed off the list?

I am dreading tomorrow, I was given a few sleeping tablets and will take one tonight. The worse bit is sometimes they have failed to work and then I am in a drug induced state which seems to make PA's/depression worse and even more frightening as I fail to be able to snap myself out of it.

I would truly be grateful for input.

Take care of yourselves.

Fran XXX

Fran

[Louise]

Hello Fran, I'm not sure what therapy you are on at the moment, I don't recognise the letters. Anyway, I have had CBT, Psychodynamics, stress counselling, and every other type of counselling you can think of, over the years. Everyone is different but personally I found CBT the most helpful. I had to wait over 2 years on the NHS waiting list though.

Personally I've had more success with "alternative" therapies - but ref NHS "conventional" treatments - you need to get properly assessed and you need to be very firm about what you need and want, I got mis-diagnosed and pushed into doing Psychodynamics -a whole year wasted as it was a totally inappropriate treatment for me. I knew it wasn't right for me from the start but once you're on that path they carry through with it regardless. So, speak up and tell the docs what you want to do, it's your life and you have the right to make an informed choice about your treatment. Personally I have stayed away from drug treatment, it treats the symptoms not the causes, not the easy option when everything is so black and frightening but I'm glad I've done it this way. Again though, everyone is different and I know that medication has helped others in the initial stages to get them onto an even keel and in a better frame of mind for other treatments. Hope this helps, good luck.

[fran43]

Hi Louise

I have not had any therapy so far. I managed to get out quite a lot about symptoms, how I felt and my husband added quite a bit.

The CMHT worker said the waiting lists for therapy on the NHS were long. We discussed my eating disorder and said I felt that was one main issue that was causing panic/anxiety.

He gave me some numbers for private therapists and I am seeing one on Saturday. My husband said that we would have to find the money for that from somewhere as I was going no where by trying to work things out myself.

I guess at least privately, if I dont like the therapist, I can find another. She is qualified in eating disorders and the Saturday appointment is to see what she does, how I feel about working with her etc and she doesn't charge for that.

I hope this is the start of good things. I feel real down at the moment, I hate talking about me and the session with the CMHT was 1 1/2hrs long. (Only my husband thought it went quickly).

Take care of yourself.

Love Fran XX

[Lynnann]

Hi Fran,

Be proud of the fact that you are trying.

Its great that your husband is being supportive although try to remember he isn't going to know everything you feel and he is obviously in need of release himself! Thats why he thought the time went quickly! I am sure he worries about you!

Talking about yourself is never easy it means that you face things that you really don't want to!

Stick with it and give it a try, you never know it might help!

Hugs to you

Lynnann

[fran43]

Thanks Lynnann

Some would say I am incredibly trying I know he needs release himself and worries. We are celebrating 23 years of marriage on 7 September - that is an achievement in itself.

No doubt we will go out for a drink and a bag of chips (how romantic!).

Take care

Love Fran XX

[Louise]

Hi Fran, glad you got to the meeting, one and a half hours is a decent amount of time so they obviously listened to you. I have made lots of progress with private treatments, unfortunately the NHS fails badly with us and you'll have very long waits if you rely solely on it.

I agree that you can't do it all on your own, there are some very helpful therapies and some great people out there if you can afford to go private, try and go by personal recommendations, follow your gut instinct and you should be ok. Don't despair, you will get there in the end.

Your husband sounds like a great support, you're very lucky to have him. Congrats on your anniversary by the way - that's an achievement on it's own! Let us know how it goes. Louise

[fran43]

Hi Louise

I am unsure what type of therapy she will do (apart from she specialises in eating disorders). At least at the assessment I can ask.

I have briefly touched on CBT in the past. It is certainly something I would like to try. I may have it wrong but does it concentrate more on changing thought/behaviour without delving too much into the past?

I know I have to face my inner demons but twenty plus years seems a lot of unravel - especially as I dont purely have an eating disorder.

Take Care

Love Fran x

[Meg]

Yes Fran, thats right.

There is a mimimal amount of needing divulge the origins of things but mainly its about where you are now and how you need to change those self limiting beliefs.

Quite alot of it is homework / self practicing so you may need to face those demons but you can either share or do it privately. Some need to face them others can accept why the current beliefs are and skid round the painful issues without having to unravel it all.

Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

proactiveness, positivity, persistence, perseverance and practice = progress

[fran43]

Thanks Meg

When the CMHT worker heard that I had been 4 1/2 stone at 19 he said that something in my childhood was to "blame". Yes I was adopted, no I never have got on with my mum and all three of my sisters are drug addicts. I barely remember my childhood.

I was closest to my dad as "protector from my mum" and he died last November. I am waiting for bereavement counselling (thankfully that is through government funding with CRUSE).

However, I think how can I back track nearly 25yrs to find out now why there is so much unhappiness. It is difficult to put a smile on my face, especially around my youngest son. Why should my misery, fear and depression be part of his life?

Thanks for replying anyway.

Love Fran XX