I was an RN before I became disabled with a lung lesion/asthma and severe uncontroled epilepsy with significant head injury. I can handle all of that, for the most part. When I was an RN tho primarily I was a certified midwife and/or worked in high risk labor and delivery. But I needed a change. Became interested in hospice and did that for 2 years. We had a lot of training before seeing our first patient and again I didn't find myself worrying about the deadly diseases of people we'd be taking care of.
But now, years later, I do worry, and maybe I did before. We did have a lot of ALS patients. I found that very hard to deal with. Another found AIDS patients very hard so we switch. That's the only time I knew of someone's maladies effected me. But my children always kidded me I was on the "mole patrol". IOW I saw skin cancer, melanoma specificaly which is the only deadly one out of 4, on all of my children, 11 in all. I doubt any of them escaped childhood without a "suspicious" mole removed. Sometimes I had to shame or guilt trip the doctor into removing them. Always they were benign.
I have had a "suspicious" mole on my arm. I should say it's suspicious to me, not any doctors. I've been to several doctors who have reassured me it's ok, doesn't need removing. I can't believe it. Now I have another just like it on my leg and I seem to know it is a sure sign my melanoma that is going undiaganosed thru I always think negligence is spreading. Melanoma is a very sneaky disease too. The patients I had that had it felt mostly fine until they entered the terminal stage. This fact probably scares me the most and gives memore "proof". I'm not symptomatic for cancer but in melanoma that's the way it was in my patients until it progressed to a certain point. I go thru periods I KNOW it is progressing and now with the advent of a new "suspicious" mole, I just know I have it.
A friend of mine had melanomas,lived unbelievably because many don't, but she had surgeries that butchered her body - at least to me, and other nasty treatments.. To her she was very "lucky". I'm dying to call her but know I'd sound like a nut. I have shown this other mole to two ER pysicians who blew it/me off. I thought it wasn't bothering me that much but today I showed it to my husband and burst into tears feeling he didn't get it when he reassured me I was fine. He didn't seem to "get it".
When I was a hospice nurse? My baby dog at the time got cancer. I now have epilepsy? My now baby dog got it too, the dog I had before her eventually contracted it also. None of these things are contagious but it does make me wonder what gives? I feel like the proverbial "bad penny", feel my children should avoid me. Worry a little bit about what I'm doing to my husband by just being flawed me. What part do I have in his severe heart disease? I can't shake the feeling I'm spreading disease that hasn't been discovered yet it can be spread by people like me. This bothers me most
I am going thru a real health crises right now. I'm probably going to have to go thru brain surgery for epilepsy for the 4th time and it's freezing me solid with fear. So is my husband and to me? It is proof that it happens, I can't predict my health future. I just want the blasted things off! No one wants to do "unnecessary office surgeries". It's not THAT big a deal to remove a mole. Lord knows I went through many with my mole patrol on my children.
If I'm logical I've been to specialist in this, even ones I trust, but I feel they are wrong. I feel they think I'm taking on symptoms of patients, which is common in the medical field, but I don't feel like that, have never done that. ALS bothered me, what it did to people ripped me wide open but I never felt I was getting it. But right now for myself? I'm thinking about cutting these two moles out myself. Then I wonder are there some in my hair, on my back where I can't see them?
If experts i trust in oncology and dermatolougy I've seen say it's not melanoma I know I should tru
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