Hiya guys
Everytime I think I'm getting better I just relapse all over again. I'm getting beyond peeved off.
I've been unwell for almost 10 years. I had my first panic attack when I was 13, around the time of the 9/11 anniversary. I never had a panic attack before and I thought I was dying, suffering a long and painful death. Since then panic attacks have almost dictated my life, to a degree.
Since that day I've always been an anxious, sad person with a tendency to self harm. I purposely starved myself by not taking a school lunch with me and I went down to six stone (84lbs). It wasn't until I left school that I started cutting and I still have scars on my legs, they are more surface scars than deep scars, which have a habit of tanning darker when I sunbathe. I stopped cutting after a few years.
I saw a doctor because I was old enough to take myself without my parents consent (they never wanted to take me to the doctors, despite daily panic attacks and depression episodes lasting 6 months) and I was diagnosed with panic disorder and 'low mood' (he didn't want to diagnose depression). The medication started and my mood went from hyper, almost manic, to the deep dark pits of depression. I started counselling and they suggested I had social anxiety, which I dismissed straight away.
The panic attacks subsided but the anxiety and depression was killing me, the anxiety more. I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and given Paroxetine 30mg. I made three suicide attempts in 2011 and almost sectioned once, it took a great deal of convincing that I was going to be OK... I was referred to a psychiatrist who suggested I came off Paroxetine slowly and try a different drug. By that stage I met my fiance and I moved away.
Recently my mental health is getting to a stage where I don't know what's wrong and what to do. I started believing that people were following and stalking me, watching me at work, my mood was dropping massively and my fiance told me to see a doctor. I have been referred to a mental health service but I have to wait a total of 6 months for CBT and High Intense Therapy. I'm now on Citalopram 10mg just to help for the time being but I'm struggling. I have three months, or there abouts, to go. My panic attacks are returning, I am pulling chunks of hair out and leaving bald patches (I've always been a hair puller, but not this bad), my anxiety is making me exhausted and my depressive episodes are returning more frequently. I'm also obsessed with cleaning and tidying, seriously, my flat does not have anything out of place!
Although I am very lucky to have a wonderfully supportive fiance I feel very alone. I hate telling him all the time how I'm feeling, because he's the only one I can talk to. No disrespect to my parents but my Mum hates listening to me talk about my mental health, which I can understand, but my Dad refuses to listen and understand, he told me so after my last suicide attempt (just what I need from my father after I tried to take my life....) my friends aren't very understanding and my best friend doesn't understand when to stop talking (she was going on and on about a story where suicide was involved days after an attempt). I'm used to suffering an illness that has massive stigma attached to it but I hate how lonely I feel. I want to be able to tell people I don't feel well today, like people do with a cold, diabetes, back pain etc.
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