Anger.....it's not me

[steveo]

I'm not an angry person. I never ever lose my temper but I just did.

My dad has been really trying to push my recovery from my mental breakdown. For the last week he's been pushing and pushing me to do stuff, to get out of a bed, to leave the house (very agoraphobic) and today he arranged for me to go down to the beach with him and his mate who is a photographer to take some photos.
I told him that I didn't really want to do it as it's cold, and I don't really enjoy taking photos on a grey gloomy beach in the freezing cold, and I'm feeling anxious today too as I'm trying to cut down on diazepam.

He got moody with me a minute a go down in the kitchen telling me he's doing everything he can for me and that he's at the end of his tether. I asked him what specifically I've done wrong and he told me not to get angry with him. So for some reason that got me angry and I hurled my cereal bowl across the room and said 'Don't get f-ing p*ssy with me!' and stormed up stairs like a hormonal teenager.

That's not me at all. I've never done that even when I was a hormonal teenager. Anger is another emotion I've felt since this breakdown began which isn't me at all. I'm the least angry person. I never lose my temper. I tend to get really angry when I'm pushed with my recovery and do things I don't feel comfortable doing.

[Annie0904]

I rarely lose my temper but the frustration of not being able to do things that other people can do so easily and expect us to do can leave us feeling a bit angry sometimes. It is just the sheer frustration and other people not being able to understand. Apologise to your Dad and tell him that you are just frustrated as you want to do these things but need to work up to it in your own time and not feel pressured or guilty for saying no. Sending you hugs

[Serenitie]

Hi Steven,

You are a wonderful person. You are also human and under an incredible amount of stress and pressure, lovely

Allow yourself to feel upset & frustrated. Venting is a completely normal response to pressure.

Have a cuppa and a chat with your Dad when he gets in and have plenty of rest today. These surges of adrenaline and emotion can be draining.

Take care & be kind to yourself.

[Thumbelina]

I am glad steve i found your post as at the moment i am very angry as well. I didnt have a foggy feeling and derealisation today but some other anx symptoms incl agitation are very high today.
I have been particularly agitated today by one person at the office that is always playing mr i know it all and showing off how smart he is and how good he is in financial modeling and even trying to boss other ppl around... i normally ignore it but today it really pi***d me off. I even made a small remark to him and he got it. I was boiling at the end of the day and actually forgot ab my anx as i was soso angry w him. Sticking his little nose in everything interrupting during the meeting and etc. I am actuly surprised i even survived a meeting today. Normally during days with panic attacks i cant stay at the meetings i leave it aggitates me too much i am only phisically present and my mind is not.. i have no idea why i picked on him today but he is the victim of my anger which i guess is the product of anxiety. But no Annie i will not go apologising to him as he is too irritating and not very kind person...... :0{

[Annie0904]

Thumbalina, I wouldn't go apologising to him either...he sounds like someone I used to work with and I wish I had the courage to tell her how I felt. I hope that both you and Steven can find some relaxation today. Someone just posted a really nice website calm.com I found it very relaxing.

[kittikat]

I ended up having a massive row with my dad besause I felt so frustrated that he couldn't understand where I was coming from. It was very upsetting for me but I just snapped when he said "you've got to snap yourself out of this and stop obsessing about what you can't do". Red rag to any bull I would say. I even swore at him and I have never done that in my life before. I guess it gets to us all sometimes. Try not to dwell. I spoke to my dad later and he was great about it. I think he understands me a bit more now because of it.

[steveo]

Yeah same sort of situation Kittikat.

It's put me right back though now unfortunately. I was having such a great few days, slowly getting better. He was moaning at me that he's stressed out because of me and has to go to the doctors because of me and that he's trying to help me. He is but he's also pushing me WAY too fast and he's getting REALLY REALLY angry with me when I refuse.

He's buggered off for the day at his girlfriends house and left me here on my own. Problem is, I need to go to the post office urgently to post something for next day delivery and it's a bit of a distance. I would have to get on the push bike to get there but because of everything that's happened today I feel super low and my anxiety is now back massively. There's alot of noise outside my house of roadworks and it's freezing. I don't know what to do. I need to go to the post office and time is running out.

[kittikat]

You can do this...take a deep breath and go for it...you will feel like you have achieved something then and that will be really uplifting.

I had to do something similar last week and I paced up and down for half an hour before I convinced myself I could do it. And, to be truthful, the anticipatory anxiety was actually worse that going out in the end.

Good luck, stay strong

[Tufty]

Get on your bike Glanville

I've been to the hairdressers even though I'm feeling like shite, it took alot of floating, saying to myself that it's just adrenaline and other such self talk to keep me there, I feel OK now though - although I'm still not 100% happy with how it's been cut

As for anger - in the past week I've thought about leaving my husband, asking for a divorce, start syphoning off money so I can like in a little house by myself, argued with my husband saying that he gets everything he wants with no thought of me etc etc, As you see my anger is normally directed at my husband and most of it is unreasonable, the dog has been shouted at more than normal too. I know not to make any rash decisions whilst I'm emotionally so liable but sometimes you need to express that anger. A fast cycle down to the post office will get rid of some of that pent up energy x

[Serenitie]

It's put me right back though now unfortunately. I was having such a great few days, slowly getting better.

Today is a bad day, Steven. Recovery is a process and one bad day can't take away anything you have already achieved.

Nothing has happened today that can't be rectified. So you swore and threw some crockery. Who hasn't? No relationship was ever broken by the occasional outburst of effing & blinding

You and your Dad are both coming from a good place and both feeling hurt because you both feel misunderstood.

If you get out to the post office that's great! If you don't make it, don't be hard on yourself. You are human and you are doing the best that you can right now and that is good enough

Tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities. Don't lose heart. I have every faith in you. You'll get there