HI - Getting Divorced - Help Please

[theinsuranceman]

HI ALL

I have been married for 20 years (yesterday) and 1 week ago my wife informed me she had been having an affair and wanted a divorce. I love her dearly and this was a bolt from the blue, absolutely devastating. She has moved out and the plan is for me to take custody of our 3 children, aged 15, 13 and 10.

These things happen but the guy she has met is a 47 year old taxi driver with a criminal record, has been locked up in the last 2 months for allegedly beating up his ex wife, has no physical attraction, debts and comes across as a bit of a thug. My wife says he is the exact opposite of me. I was shicked by the affair but absolutley bewildered by the choice. I am a 42 year old IT Manager with a good job and we have a comfortable lifestyle, just 4 years away from paying the mortgage.

I have been taking citalopram (20mg) for a couple of years to calm me down and stop anxiety and panic attacks, which has helped. I have now doubled the dose to 40mg to try and get through this but I feel dreadful. All of the usual symptoms, dry mouth, 1 hour sleep per night, drowsiness, no appetite - I have lost a stone in 1 week and am totally devastated by this.

I feel i am in a downward spiral. Can anybody offer any words of comfort. Please...........

Thanks

TIM

[undertheblackclouds]

Hi Tim,
I too am going through a break up and am also on citalopram. How long have you been taking the increased dose?

IT does take a while to kick in. Has your doctor given you any tips on managing your anxiety? Some areas run anxiety management groups which can be very helpful.

What people do makes no sense. I have had 5 months to try and get to grips with the end of my relationship. Although I finished it it doesn't make it any easier.

Don't let the fact that she has run off with someone beneath you, make you feel like you are worthless or in any way inferior. As I have said people cannot be understood. I have learnt that lesson only too well.

Hope this info helps.....there is a great book you can get called Overcoming Anxiety, by Helen Kennerley.... I would recommend a read of that too?

[Antipodes]

Tim,

I am Soooo sorry that this is happening to you. If you were a lady I'd be sending hugs. No, you deserve virtual hugs {{{{{Tim}}}}}.

All else aside, you are going through a life-crisis event. Separation for whatever reason is an awful experience. I don't know how UK works but In Australia/New Zealand we have "no fault" disolutions following 2 or 3 years separation. So no quick divorces.

I have been through this and it is awful. I had PTSD and didn't know it (it is an anxiety disorder) so weight loss, lack of sleep, and the roller coaster of ups and downs is oh so common. It is a horrible time. But time will pass and there will be okay days and bad days. The okay days will become more common as time passes. Emotions will settle.

I'm no expert at this Tim, but I saw a new post with no replies and I wanted to contribute at least something by way of support for you.

Love your kids, give them lots of hugs, accept their love for it is unconditional. And accept that they will love their mum too - they can't do other than that.

I can only hope you can work sopmething out that takes the "hurt" out of this situation. Lashing out does nothing but destructive consequences - believe me, I know from my kids' experiences of an acrimonious breakup and another man.

sincerely

Antipodes




I don't think any medication can normalise what you're going through but please see your doctor so he/she is in the look. Maybe your doctor can give you soemthing else to help.

[trac67]

Hi,

Welcome to the forum, you will get a lot of good advice here and make some new friends.

Did you just double your intake of citalopram or have you gone up gradually?

Take care

Trac xx

'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'

[hayles]

TIm,

So sorry for the awful time that you are going through.
The only advice i can give is that things will get better with time.
and in the meantime we are all hear with ears to bend!

Take care......

Hay x

[honeybee3939]

Hi Tim,

Just to let you know i am thinking of you !

Love

Andrea
xxx

[manmoor]

Hi Tim,

A big warm welcome to you. Hope things turn out ok for you. We are all here for you.

Take Care

Mandyxx

[redbaron]

Tim

I'm afraid attraction and that sort of thing has long been a mystery to us all at times. She may after 20 years simply want someone that is the antithesis of you for no other reason than that it changes her life completely.

You have to concentrate on you, it isn't easy. The meds should kick in and remove some of the troughs, but they will also remove some of the peaks so you need to be careful.

Personally I find routining as much as possible good, auto pilot will get you through much of the daily grind that has to be done. The night is generally more difficult and you have to plan ahead as to how you'll get through each one. I know it's a cliche to take each day as it comes but there really isnt any other way to do it.

I left a 9 year relationship and 2 kids behind because I knew I'd have been dead within a few years. Sometimes things happen that are beyond your control and you feel someone else is drastically altering the way your life is going from a path you preferred to one you do not. You have to walk that path though Tim and try to aclimatise along the way. You will find there are others, some a little more experienced some not so who you will meet along the way. Make the most of them, you aren't alone and you may need to have that feeling reinforced frequently.

take care, keep communicating.

cheers

Dom

If what doesn't kill us makes us stronger it's a pretty fair bet it's going to hurt.

[hopeful]

Hi Tim,
So sorry for whats happened. You will find the strength to get through this, just take one day at a time and be kind to yourself and your children. Thinking of you.

julie x

[Ma Larkin]

Hi Tim, the same thing happened to me. All I can say is that it is going to be a struggle for you, emotionally especially, but you will get there. I could have hit anyone who said to me "give it time Les, you'll be OK", but it is so true. I too have kids, 3 aged 18, 8 and 6. I don't know what I'd have done without them. They have been my stability and my reason for picking myself up and dusting myself down so to speak. It does take time mate, but you will get there. I'm also on meds and they have been a godsend. Not sleeping very well, never have been a good sleeper, but anxiety is being kept at bay on the meds.

Hope things get easier for you soon.

Les