Hi guys.

First of all I would like to say sorry for not posting or replying to alot of your messages in a while.

As some of you may or may not know, I've had quite a year of anxiety and depression and my recent battle was withdrawing from diazepam.

Things have changed.

A few nights ago (I've lost count of time), I was having a bad panic attack and my dad came in but he had noticed that I'd been self harming again. It was only surface cuts but they look worse than they really are. This set him off in a bit of a rage so he started to shout at me and this made my panic attack absolutely terrible.
I screamed at him to get out and leave me alone but he continued shouting so without thinking I grabbed a pillow a threw it at him. It caused no pain or injury to him but it was the final straw. He called the police and ambulance to take me away.

Police stormed in my bedroom with tasers in their hand thinking I had a blade and not knowing what mental state I was in. I screamed at this point as I wasn't aware of their arrival. 4 police and 4 paramedic crew! The paramedics checked me over to see if my cuts needed medical attention, they clearly didn't so they wanted nothing more to do with me.
The police didn't think I was safe so they arrested me initially for breach of the peace. They told me I have to come with them to the police station.

For anyone who knows my journey over the last 6 months, knows I haven't been able to leave my bed, let alone the house. So to be arrested, put in the back of a police van and taken to a police station was absolute hell.
And it really was hell. I was in such a panic my legs could no longer hold me. I was stripped of my clothes as they were a suicide risk, put in a terrible padded jacket and shorts that stunk and shoved in a tiny cell..... for 48 hours!!

I was not allowed my medication for 6 hours. I was put in the cells at 10pm and I didn't see a doctor until 4am. I then wasn't given any diazepam until 6am. I've been trying so hard to come off diazepam but I knew the only thing to get me through such a horrible experience was lots of diazepam so I made sure I was comfortable as possible.

I am extremely claustrophobic. I don't go in lifts, I hate planes etc. A cell was always my biggest fear. It was horrible in there. I begged the officers for some reading material to keep my mind occupied. They eventually found a Rugby magazine and a Mountain Bike magazine. I hate rugby and I'm not really interesting in mountain biking but I can assure you that I read them cover to cover more than once.
The police dropped the breach of the peace charge almost instantly and I was put under a section 136. I had to wait to be seen by a psychiatrist. I eventually did see one at around 2pm on my first day, 16 hours in. They told me that a hospital was the best option for me but there are no beds in the country and I would have to wait. I said 'Please don't let me go back in that cell'. She was very apologetic and said that there was nowhere else for me to go for the time being but she would do her best to get me out.

So I had to wait another night. The second night was horrible. Night time is always bad because I knew that nothing would be done until the morning so I knew that I would be locked up again for another long stint.

It's uncomfortable to sleep in a cell with the lights on, a horrible blanket and a very thin matt for a bed.

I was kept long into the next day and night and eventually, late last night, I was finally moved to a local psychiatric hospital where I am now. I had nothing but the clothes I was arrested in for 24 hours, I hadn't washed or brushed my teeth in nearly 3 days at this point.

I was petrified when I first got here. It's a mixed sex facility with only about 16 patients. There are quite a varied mix of patients although I've spent most time in my room due to agoraphobia and anxiety.

I'm on a 15 minute watch, which means someone comes and checks on me every 15 minutes, including night time. This means they have to turn the main light on every 15 minutes so last night I got sick of that and just kept the main light on.

My dad eventually brought me some things this morning as he had too many glasses of wine last night to bother. Most things were taken off me anyway. Not allowed shoes with laces, hoodies with strings, no belt, no mobile phone or laptop charger, no deodorant spray cans, no nail clippers, no plastic bags of any kind.

I have a fairly nice room, a bit like a very cheap hotel type room with my own bathroom/wetroom type thing, and a few bits of classic NHS furniture. I also have the joys of the lovely thin bedsheets.

The staff here have all been very lovely, albeit a bit slow (this is Cornwall). I had to teach a nurse how to work out my diazepam doses as they are in liquid form, 2mg per 5ml liquid. Took her 30 minutes to work out how much liquid to draw for a 1.25mg dose! Guess my nursing degree does come in handy.

I have only seen an oncall doctor as the consultants come round during the week.

I haven't heard from my mum or my dad since this started. My friends however have been very good indeed. Three of them came to see me today and brought me some more essentials. One of them found a phone charger with a 4inch lead which I'm allowed and another brought me some roll on deodorant.

They did find it rather funny, as they arrived I was seeing a nurse so they had to wait in the main lounge with some patients. One of the patients tried to sell my friends a pouch of tobacco for £10. My friend pointed out that it says £3.50 on the packet to which the patient replied, this isn't the packet it came in.

So I'm 24 hours into my first sectioning at a mental health unit. I haven't spent a night in hospital since I was a student nurse, and that was working shifts! Before that it was when I was 5 to have grommets in my ears.

I have kept myself to myself and stayed in my room most of the time. I ventured out for lunch today but felt anxious so returned to my room. I am very anxious as I type this. Feeling very scared indeed.

I'd like to thank everyone for the messages in the past few weeks to check if I'm OK. I have not really been on this site as I have just felt like a period of no contact off anyone.

I will try to update as and when I can. At present I am using my mobile phone as a WIFI hotspot and my laptop is picking that up fairly well.

Just waiting for my dose of diazepam and then I can try and get some sleep.

All the best to everyone

Steven x