Back to work 1 year after my breakdown

[lonelyguy]

Hello all,

I had a mental breakdown/burnout last year and i had to stop working, i was litterally in a constant panic mode, like if i was out of my own body, i really thought i was going crazy. From there i started to become agoraphobic, i lost 10kg/22lbs because i couldn't even eat.
I saw many docs and they tried different SSRI's but they were like sugar pill, so i was finally prescribed xanax 6mg/day and so far that's the only medication helping me.
Anyway, 1 year have passed and during that time i tried to exercise as much as possible, i tried to go out as much and as far as i could, i tried to eat healthy and stay positive as much as possible.
I finally managed to go back to work last week (i'm working at mcdonalds, this is very very stressful for me, lot of people and very hot in there) and so far i didn't have any full blown panic attack at work, but i can tell i was about to have 2 or 3 and everytime i managed to calm down myself but heck, it was very challenging, especially in front of the costumers.
Now what i can tell is that when i'm at work my depression goes away, i'm WAY less agoraphobic, but for the anxiety it doesn't help, i mean if i try take less xanax than usual, i'm very anxious and panicky, even at home.
So here i am, stuck with this xanax and don't know what to do...

Basically i just wanted to share my experience and i will try to keep this post up to date like a little journal to tell you if i improved or if i had panic attacks etc...

Thanks for reading.

[Speranza]

Hi there, and

[Edie]

You've done amazingly well to get back to work! Mcdonalds must be a very stressful job though. Do you think you will be less panicky once you get used to the work a bit more? Maybe with a couple of months work, it will be easier to get a new job, as they can see you are willing and able to hold down work.

[lonelyguy]

You've done amazingly well to get back to work! Mcdonalds must be a very stressful job though. Do you think you will be less panicky once you get used to the work a bit more? Maybe with a couple of months work, it will be easier to get a new job, as they can see you are willing and able to hold down work.

To be honest, the night before my 1st day i was thinking i will have a panic attack at work and they will send me back home lol.
And now after a few days i can tell i have less negative thoughts before going to work, so yes i'm definetly more confident.
However, sometimes when there's a lot of costumers and there's a rush i pretend going to the bathroom and i take a xanax because i feel i'm going to panic

But all in all i don't really care of my current job, this is shit and i just do it to get more confident. I hope i will get a better job soon and maybe detox from the xanax.
Also i would like to be able to travel and take the plane because my grandma and my grandpa are living in romania and they are like my parents to me, and i didn't see them since 2 years... Sometimes i cry because i want to see them but i'm a basket case right now, i can't travel so far...

[Annie0904]

Well done on getting back to work and I am sure this will help build your confidence. keep in your mind your goal to visit your grandparents. I am sure you will get there.

[Col]

Well done you!!!

[lonelyguy]

hello everybody, i'm just checking in.

So today I made a big mistake, i tried to skip my morning dose of xanax and see if i could handle, and i litterally felt like shit. I wanted to go to the beach to relax a little bit but on the road the more i was walking the more i was feeling dizzy, light headed, like if i was going to faint. So i chose to go back home before even arriving at the beach. Then i finally took a xanax dose and i don't know why but i felt extremely depressed, and i didn't want to do anything, so i stayed in my bed a few minutes and i cried for no apparent reason.
From that point i wanted to call at my job to tell them i won't come today, it was 4pm and i had to be at work at 7pm. After some hesitations i decided not to call and try to go even if i was feeling like shit. So i took a very cold shower, i ate a good lunch and i stayed a few more minutes in my bed just to relax a little bit.
When i arrived at work, i was very lethargic and i had no motivation to do anything... But at least i wasn't panicky or anxious, just low mood.
However, as soon as i started to do things/being busy i felt more energy and i was more focused, like i said when i'm working the depression completely goes away.
So basically when i'm at work i feel quite good, because i don't have the time to think of negative thoughts, and i'm constantly speaking with people.
So i would say today was a weird day, i felt like crap the first part of the day then i felt quite good at work. Anyway i won't try to reduce my xanax dosage as fast as i tried to day, this was a big mistake.

[lonelyguy]

Hi guys, quick update
I'm more and more confident at work, my agoraphobia is pretty much gone. I plan to work another 2 months and then i think i'll go back to school in october. Also i would like to be able to take the plane, at this point i would consider myself cured from agoraphobia.
Now the negative point is that i can't detox from the xanax, and to be honest sometimes i think i will have to take it all my life.
I also wanted to say that yesterday night i was dreaming that i was with my grand parents, in romania. Maybe it's a sign =D
Anyway i'm trying to stay strong and positive, i want to get my life back, and no one is gonna stop me.

I hope you guys are doing well and don't forget to stay strong.

[steveo]

It's absolutely fantastic to read this.

I'm currently still very much in my mental breakdown. I'm in a mental health hospital infact! I'm too going through the many different tablets which is not a nice process and like you, I've become VERY agoroaphobic. I'm so happy to read that you are out of your breakdown! It gives me alot of hope!

If I can offer one very big bit of advice to you, is that benzos are NOT a long term solution. Our bodies build up a tolerance very fast to them so that we need to keep upping the dose. It doesn't take long to experience this at all. Benzos also come with some bad side effects and will eventually cause the same symptoms that you had to begin with. Just be careful with them! I know they work great though!

Best wishes with everything!!!

Steven x

[lonelyguy]

I know benzos are not a long term solution, but i'm slowely tapering.

Ok so quick update now:
Yesterday i was about to have a panic attack the first few minutes at work, actually i forgot to mention that i take propranolol everyday in combination with my xanax, and yesterday i didn't take my propranolol dose. So i pretented that i had to go to the bathroom and i took a propranolol pill. From there it took 10-15min for the panic to subside, and honestly i was about to tell my boss i'm ill and just leave to go home. But i didn't and i spent 15mins of high anxiety with chest tightness, shortness of breath and fast heart rate at the cash register speaking with the customers and acting like everything was fine. Then the propranolol started to kick in and i was able to calm down, and even now i can't imagine i've got through this moment, like i said i was about to run out of the restaurant and go back home lol. Anyway the rest of the day was much more comfortable, didn't have much anxiety but i was a tired because i slept a little bit the night before.

As for today i decided to give a 2nd chance to lexapro, so i took a 10mg pill this morning before going to work and everything was fine, no anxiety, no panic attacks.
You might want to know why am i taking it if it didn't help in the past ?
Well when i took it for the 1st time i couldn't even go out of my bed or take a shower, i was eating only once per day and it was very hard, i was dangerously depressed, i mean a clinical depression. So i was expecting to get my life back within 3 months of lexapro, and obviously it didn't happen. I was just staying in my bed all day long and taking my pill every morning waiting to get better, i know it was stupid but at this time i was too much agoraphobic to get out and do things.
And that's why i want to give it a 2nd chance, now i have a job, i do a lot of exercise, i go to the beach with my friends etc...
Like i said to someone else, anxiety is a mix of genetic and environmental factors, i think we have to treat both by taking meds but also doing simple things and not staying home all day long.

So basically the plan is to stop xanax and take lexapro instead, i really hope it's gonna work this time.