I am scared so very scared but in my mind there is still a bit of logic that says what you are feeling is not true.There is a part of me that says if its not true then you are crazy or something is seriously wrong that you would feel that way.. and deep in my heart I feel this is not living..I might as well not live to feel as though im dying everyday. I feel that there is really something very wrong with me and no one knows it but me..that one moment I will be here and the next i will not.My feeling come and go..from fear to being so numb that I have lost all care whether im here or not.I read positive things to help me ,like Taoism,buddism,and positive help books..I have been to a doctor but the doctor made me think its mostly in my head,but if it is ..then why won't it go away.I try everyday ..everyday.I post here and have people encourage me and then its gone..I feel close to all here,but then when I turn the computer off the closeness resolves in the fact that we are in the middle of nowhere .. and there is nobody here that we know..We might as well be in the middle of anartica and thousands of miles from nothing.That is the way it feels..I have prayed and prayed and talked to myself and told myself.. So what ..if something happens to me..I just cannot understand why I feel the way i do..One day with hope the next ..waiting for the reaper..its back and forth..They say try exercise..I do ..and when I am I can hear the pounding pounding pounding in my ears...Yes I have been told by several its ear infection and anxiety ..Yes i know that its related to anxiety but this is a constand pounding.. even when im not anxious.I know what most of you are saying when you get paniky you will hear your pulse rate go up ,but it subsides..mine never does..whats even worse its like i have a steoscope on and can hear it perfectly around the clock everyday..even the mumur I have.. Recently I have started getting a little more breathless than normal with little exertion.I am not talking about being out of breath..just hard to breathe..Its making me a littlle crazy or maybe a lot ..I don't know..but I worry.. i am not ocd...i have a tendancy in my life to be that way ,but I have studied what ocd people do ..and i have tendanceies to be that way but not to the point where i can't stop something.But this worry or feeling inside is making me so sad..I don't want to die in the place..i just don't want to die here..Its not home..but yet there is a feeling that I am dying more so everyday.When I hear my heartbeat sometmes it sounds as if my heart is dying little by little ..I called my GP and ask if there was a problem with my heart that I shouldn't do things..and she said no..She had told me my lungs were clear when I was there and my bp was a little high but that was because i was nervous...She seem to feel that I was ok other than my ears..I want so much to believe her ..I want so much for the way I feel to be contributed to something simple..We have been under so much stress for so long and now being able to just relax is what started all of this.I suppose before I heard my heartbeat at times..I got exhausted at times.I had pains and sensations all the time...but didn't have time to think about it.. My average day starts at about 5pm with geting up and makng a little breakfast..then looking outside till dark..about an hour..then doing things around the house and then making dinner then laying down and watching a short program on tv..and then coming back to bed where we will stay on computer till about 5am and then going to sleep again and sleeping 12 hours..I think that maybe our sleeping daytime hours could account for the way I feel somewhat..but When I get up early I feel worse..I have about a couple of weeks till I go to the ent.. and suppose I will worry till then...I feel like I could die and no one would even know out here...Its so lonely ..especially after dark..Does anyone believe in premonition of death? Or is feeling like you are physcially dying just part of health anxiety? I have felt like this all through the last two month