Before I met my fiancée in my younger days, I used to use escorts. I'm not proud of it but I was young and curious, I've always watched pornography and strictly only watch it once a week as I have a habit of watching it to much if letting it go unchecked. Unfortunately earlier in our relationship on a couple of different occasions I looked at different escorts online, rung a couple and even went as far as booking one, I realised straight away how stupid I was being and cancelled, I was honest with her and understandably she left me.
After a lot of talking she forgave me and we got back together, unfortunately I decided to look online again, without going as far as actually booking one this time. Because of my OCD I struggle with guilt and had to tell her. Being the amazing person that she is she didn't get upset and told me I needed to get help and she would help me find some.
A few months on and I have no interest in looking at anything to do with escorts and we're really happy together. My issues are these, I want to give up pornography completely but Everytime I get to around 3 weeks of abstination I cave in and watch porn. This is followed by a vicious circle of self doubt, my head keeps making me 2nd guess myself whether I've looked at escorts again (even though deep down I know I haven't) but because I can't remember the exact time I last looked at an escort I'm driving myself mad with self doubt and worry.
I know I'm lucky not to be alone and to have an amazing girl, which is why I need to talk about this on here rather than keep bringing it up with her. She's very understanding and knows that all this is behind us and this is my OCD talking. But I need to figure out how to let it go for my own sanity.
I start CBT next week, hoping this will help
Thank you for reading this long post
Joe
Reply With Quote
