need to get this out somewhere

[adellic]

hi everyone

i have actually been doing ok and starting to feel better lately, bit of ups and downs but generally up's, the negative thoughts about my heart/dying, were starting to subside...until before.

i just felt i needed to vent somewhere where people actually understand, this is my first diary entry since starting a panic journal to track my progress/recovery...

while eating dinner this evening, the fluttering returned.
the ******* feeling where my heart pounds out of my chest a couple of times and then panic washes over me. I then think I'm going to have a heart attack and die any minute, which makes the panic worse, which then leads to dizziness and agitation. I don't want to talk to anyone or deal with anyone.
my partner had to go out so I put my son in the car and drove to my parents (my safe place). I was in tears on the drive there, I felt so bad putting my son through it again and him seeing me in this state and wondering why I'm so upset. I feel like the worst mother ever and I am so angry at myself.
I am so angry at anxiety and I wish I could get a grip on this, I really am trying and it seems that whenever I start to feel better, and the obsessive thoughts start to go away and I'm feeling good again BAM back come the feelings of dread, the physical and the mental.
my partner told me I needed to be locked up, that I needed to sort my shitt out, that I couldn't be pulling this 'shitt' at work when I get a new job etc...this doesn't help me at all, it makes things even worse.

I have just purchased a book by Claire Weekes "self help for your nerves". I find it relaxing to read at bedtime but I have only just started reading it. I have tried to cotton on to some of the techniques already, such as floating, imagining myself on a cloud and floating through the feelings of panic, and/or picturing the thoughts as clouds drifting by. this has kind of helped but as I am still learning its quite hard for me to do when panicking or having racing thoughts. hopefully by the end of the book I might be feeling better.

I get so angry having anxiety, I feel like nobody understands and I have no support from anyone (they all think I make it 'all about me' etc etc, which makes it even harder to try and get better and just makes me mad at everyone. why did anxiety have to pick me!? I hate this feeling I really do...and I hate it that every time I'm starting to feel like myself again, I go backwards...

when will I find happiness again? I hope its sometime soon, I really hate this person I am at the moment.



thanks to anyone who has read this and can offer some support, and i hope everyone else out there in NMP land is doing well

Adellic.

[Raphaels]

Adellic, hello. I feel just the same. I'm so angry with myself. At 60 a mature woman I should be able to cope with these thoughts. But fear overwhelms me. I fear a heart attack. I have learnt to swim these past months but it's an absolute effort to convince myself every week that I will not gave a heart attack when swimming. Today us my worst. I'm trying to stop myself from going. I want to stay in bed and not move. Hut I gave to face my fears on a daily basis. Scared us not the word, I'm petrified. Be brave and do something you fear. It will give you the boost you need. I wish I could go to my mum for support. I send you hugs, from me. That's what we need.

[Amandala]

I could of written that diary entry myself, I'm here for you!

[adellic]

Thanks Amandala and Raphaels, big hugs to both of you

Today my partner told me (actually SCREAMED AND SWORE AT ME IN FRONT OF OUR CHILD) that he has had enough, that im mental and its all my fault that our 3 year old son has outbursts at creche (apart from that he is a wonderful little boy). i feel like the worst mother in the world right now, and i am so angry that my partner wont take the time to understand my issues i face right now (anxiety/panic), he thinks its all a crock of s#!tt, that i haven't even been trying to get better (which is a total cop out, I've been doing everything i can to get better - don't happen overnight) and wants to leave. he also said hes taking our son as i cant handle being a mother and i'll turn him into a 'mental person' like me. i really don't know how i would cope if he did that to me - im a pretty bloody awesome mother so I've been told.

in a bad place right now, i was so happy a few days ago, now im back at square one, this just isn't getting any better...arrrg get me out of this blip!!!!!!

[debbsi]

Hi Adelic, I had a similar problem with my husband, sorry if TMI but we haven't had sex for about a year now as due to my anxiety I just can't cope with it. He's been an angel really but every now and then he explodes, the first time he did I reminded him he married me in sickness and in health and right now I'm sick. Also I reminded him of when I stuck by him when he was physically sick a few years ago. I think thus made him think about what he had said. Thankfully our children are older, but recently he said we should sell up and go our separate ways, then the day after apologised. I've found myself checking if I could afford to buy a house on my own if he left me. I sometimes wish he'd leave me or have an affair then maybe he'd be happy, his sadness wouldn't be my fault anymore. Anyway I'm going to see z psychosexual therapist next week, nit looking forward to that really.

[gypcyg]

Debbsi and Adellic I was married to a woman with severe mental health problems and I can relate to how your partners are feeling. They will be frustrated, depressed and angry. They are with you because they love you. You probably made/make them very happy and contented. The reason they feel negative emotions is because they feel like failures because they can't make you happy and contented in return.

When you got together with your partner was he aware that he would become a carer because it's very stressful looking after someone, especially someone with no "defined" illness that can be treated with some tablets off the doctor.

So please don't be too hard on them - sit down and talk, thats what my marriage lacked - communication.

[Fishmanpa]

Debbsi and Adellic I was married to a woman with severe mental health problems and I can relate to how your partners are feeling. They will be frustrated, depressed and angry. They are with you because they love you. You probably made/make them very happy and contented. The reason they feel negative emotions is because they feel like failures because they can't make you happy and contented in return.

When you got together with your partner was he aware that he would become a carer because it's very stressful looking after someone, especially someone with no "defined" illness that can be treated with some tablets off the doctor.

So please don't be too hard on them - sit down and talk, thats what my marriage lacked - communication.

Thank you for this post. To be on the other side of a malady like anxiety, depression or other mental illness(es) is very difficult to deal with. Add children into the mix and it's even harder. The pain I personally felt watching the mother of my children slip further and further into depression was unreal. My situation was exasperated by a lack of physical intimacy as well. I knew we were in deep trouble when our daughter (5 at the time) asked why we don't hug and kiss like other mommies and daddies.

Our situation ended in divorce as we sought counseling and she stopped going. If you don't make a concerted effort to get professional help, I fear the outcome may not be pretty. Books, CD's and the like are excellent tools but from what I read, professional help may be something to consider.

Good Luck!

[debbsi]

Hi, sorry dont want to hijack the thread but just wanted to reply to gypcyg's post.
Sorry I didnt explain my situation fully, I dont want you to think I am being hard on my DH - as I said my DH is an angel for sticking with me - I totally understand his frustration - and I know he has felt rejected by me. Problem is - this has just made me worse - I now feel inadequate as a wife myself and this has also pushed us apart as it just fuels my anxiety even more.
When you say he probably feels he cant make me happy - I agree with what you say - but having sex will not make me happy - just him. I feel under pressure when I am in his company, I avoid cuddling, kissing as I know he will want more, I hate going to bed at night, I hate weekends even more - this is all because I feel the failure as I cant make him happy.
When we got together I was 16 (Im 41 now) I didnt suffer with anxiety then to the extent I do now, so he would have had no idea I would end up like this.
I agree as its not an illness you can see its difficult for someone who hasnt suffered from it to understand.
I also agree about the communication - we are both rubbish at communicating with each other
My situation is complicated, but at least I have sought some help for my current problem, just hope he doesnt think it will be a miraculous overnight cure, it will take time - I just hope it helps - or not sure what the future holds for us.