Darkness

[annie54]

Hi,
Due to health worry's over xmas, suicide is back in my thoughts,
I just want my brain to stop worrying . cant switch it off.
Mum died a couple of years ago, I was her full time carer for years,. I just
want to be with her, in afterlife or whatever there is instead of here.
I planned out the suicide yesterday and it is still forefront in my mind, sorry
if I upset anybody with this post. I know how your all suffering.
I had a cancer scare over holidays , the scan was clear ,, they are doing more
tests. I just think , know I know I cant handle any more worry.
Glad for any of you to talk too.
Annie x

[ElizabethJane]

If you feel suicidal then you will be needing professional help. Try the Samaritans or your GPs out of hours service. The most important thing at the moment is keeping you safe. If all else fails present at the A and E department of your local hospital. These feelings are almost always temporary and will pass- but you will need help to feel better. EJ

[ippik]

Hi I have just read your post, new on here and just learning to navigate around.
I think I need to reply to you first before anything !!
I still have bad days but I have come through it against all odds, I can relate to how you feel and I want you to know that I want to help you.
I am here for you if you wish, you are not alone, I would like to help and listen.

[Hellington Boots]

Hi annie54,

I'm really sorry to hear that you are having a particularly low point. I am sure Christmas can be a very difficult time when you are already struggling with depression. I often feel very low around Christmas out of nowhere; it seems to trigger all sorts of things and there is an awful lot of pressure.

If you can, please try and talk to someone - the Samaritans or friends and family. I know it may be hard to imagine now but this will eventually pass - sometimes it just takes time.

Sometimes I have some very low days, but eventually these do pass and usually the next day is a little easier.

Wishing you peace and happier times. xxx

[ippik]

Hi Annie54
Now I am worried about you again!
Please seek help... the Samaritans are experienced with this , you also have replies here..... people do want to help you. It is the beginning of a new year soon and things will change for you...for the better.
Please tell me a little bit about you, I am here to listen. Saying a prayer for you now.

[annie54]

Thanks everybody,
especially ippik,
I am still here, thank you for caring. Ippik , sorry to cause worry. upset.
I was a full time carer
to my mum for years. she had numerous illnesses, and really I became
a nurse in the end as well as a daughter. Christmas is always hard
without her being here, she died a couple of years back. all the family are
dead except for a brother. but this threat
to my own life ie . cancer scare has pushed me over the edge. odd really
because a lot of times I wanted to be with her. still do. in other words dead.
I am still a bit panicky, ill, still see, blood, feel like I am coming around then I see more blood again, docs are doing more tests, after new year, which makes me panic more feeling bad. not eating, I did not come
on site couple days, because I could not deal with the way I was feeling.
sitting here existing, ill, nobody to talk too, taking all my strength to continue, sorry for moaning. I have been through a lot in my life , seen illnesses, watched death up close. I am trying to hold on to hope.
Thanks to all of you for being there.
Annie x

[ippik]

Hi Annie
Thank you for letting me know...relief!
Please feel free just to tell me how you feel no matter how bad, you can PM me if you wish. You are not alone I love to just listen.
Its new year soon lets just take small steps I will help you.
This might well be a good year for you a hug might help !

---------- Post added at 16:36 ---------- Previous post was at 14:15 ----------

Please hang in there ..... there is always hope ...people do want to help.
Perhaps you are quite simply exhausted with everything ...and no wonder !
I know what the dark side feels like and how difficult it is to climb out all on your own, and I do feel for you being all alone. But I am not going to give up on you, I do know you can get through this, its time to nurture and be gentle with yourself....its long over due. Try to rest and when you are ready remember people do want to help, and as my dear mother use to say... never kick a gift horse in the mouth !
You will have a good year ! YOU deserve it.

[ippik]

Just hope you are ok ?
wishing you a happy new year ....it could be better than you think I know you are suffering, saying a prayer for you

[annie54]

Thanks Ippik, everybody
Sorry I have not been on site, mentally I have been in a terrible place. still am.
I have a date for day procedure, but don't think I can go through with it. I am tired and
weary of everything in my life. lost too many people . hospital dealings have brought
back flashbacks of mum , I just see doctors and hospital as a place to die. cant get
past that. if I die early so be it. I am not afraid of death. I am not happy here on
this earth, I miss my mum. who died two years ago now, was her full time carer for
years. and seen a lot of illnesses , I am tired of living , I am on prozac for depression, but it is only a mask , makes you thing your ok, and deep down you know your not. I hate self pity, and I know I am guilty of this at present.
Mum , would be shouting, you live on. but reasons to are very vague , I am simply not happy and don't think I ever will be. until I am reunited with mum, I believe in the afterlife. and if not death is better than this torture mentally. living day to day
but finding it harder and harder to go on, and every day another official letter or hospital appointment. sorry this is a long post.
Annie x

[ippik]

Sweetie...however long the night the dawn will break X