I don't trust myself any more

[tonightwefly]

This is going to sound...bizarre and awful, probably. And I'm not sure I'm posting it in the right place. But I don't know where to put it. Tell me if this isn't the right place.

I don't trust myself any more, at all. I don't know if I have anxiety. I find myself more worried that I've been faking it for years for attention than I am about the anxiety itself. Supposedly I'm medical/needle phobic, but I'm not diagnosed, I've never had treatment, and yet I feel *so* different from how I did a couple of years ago. Or at least I think I do.

I'm analysing every response I have to every trigger I come across and I can't tell if I'm faking this or not. My muscles tend to go into spasm when I get a visual trigger or I try to picture something related to the phobia. But I keep thinking, that's nothing I couldn't be doing myself subconsciously. Have I just got so convinced I'm scared that I'm hanging on to it? Why would I do that?

I have this conviction that the one thing I can't alter consciously or subconsciously is my heart rate. Last week we were told at school that there was going to be a talk given on blood donation and I did panic properly,or what I would consider to be proper. I felt horrible for the rest of the day but at the same time there was this relief because it felt like proof, but why would I want to be anxious? Surely the relief in itself is proof that this isn't real?

I haven't seen a doctor in more than a year for any reason, and I still don't think I can go into a medical environment. But I don't know why. I used to have every reason under the sun for why I was scared and now I just don't know. I am analysing every feeling and physiological response I have and I'm getting locked into this cycle of being anxious-->analysing whether I actually am-->not believing I am-->just damn well not knowing what the hell I'm feeling any more.

The thing is that most of the time I'm fine and not anxious without any triggers around me, but I'm not much of anything else either. I'm not *happy*. I can't get excited about anything, and nothing seems to evoke any sort of emotional response in me at all any more. I'm a musician, and even music isn't doing anything for me any more. I can't even bloody cry. Last week when I was what I would consider to be properly panicked suddenly it was as if the floodgates had opened and even though I felt physically awful everything meant something for the first time in ages and ages and I was responding to stuff. I was crying buckets...and it felt like such a relief.

Now the shutters are back down. I feel like my brain is in a fog and I'm so much more stupid than I was when I was anxious. But then thinking that, it's like I want to be anxious, and that's horrible. I don't want to be anxious or normal, if this is normality.

I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just looking to see if anyone has any advice at all, really. If I'm deluding myself or if I'm deluding myself about deluding myself. I don't know if any of the attacks I used to get were real.

I suspect I'm just being awful and looking for validation, but really, any advice is good advice.

I'm sorry.

[candie]

Hiya,

Im so sorry youre feeling this way,i know what its like to have such a tormented mind.Ive been through the same on and off for the last 15 years.

In my opinion you definitely have the classic symptoms of an anxiety disorder of some sort and also depression too because they go hand in hand and with the things youre saying,it definitely sounds that way.

You sound like youre so tormented physically and emotionally and its a horrible way to be.I'm not doing too bad at the moment but i too have been there where i analysed every single waking thought and feeling 24/7 and it does take a terrible toll on you as a person.

I dont think youre faking anything,i think all the things that you are feeling are real but i do think its your mind thats bluffing you into worrying about one more thing,just to add to all the rest....

I know you said you cant go to a medical center but cant you call the doctor and tell them your circumstances and maybe they could come to see you..? You need to discuss all these things with your doctor and then they can give you the proper help that you need.

You deserve a life,as we all do.You need to be doing things that give you a purpose,like your music.Dont let that go to waste and let the anxiety win because at the end of the day thats what it is.

Try to get help and keep positive if you can,it wont be like this forever.Im having more ups than downs at present so things can only get better.

Take care...Candie xxx

[ems43]

Hi there, I can def relate to your experience of feeling you are faking things, even though i know i have anxiety i am constanlty worrying i am faking / lying to myself that i have just so i get attention ( which makes no sense really as i don;t talk about it!) i think it is def just our anxious minds tricking us yet again, wish i could offer some better advise though am struggerling with this myself! take care x

[LickeyEndBlues]

Hi TWF,

Sounds pretty much like classic anxiety topped up with some depression to me. And it doesn't really matter where you post, I'm sure the site admins would sort it out. The important thing is you have posted!!

What you say isn't bizarre or awful and you have no need to be saying sorry about your post in here.

The one thing for sure is that you are in th eright place, this site has been brilliant for me over the last 6 weeks. I've had loads of help and advice....and more importantly support.

In some way we need to get you to see a GP. Whether that is in a surgery or via a visit I'm not sure but you need help and there is nothing wrong with that.

You are not alone, access as much of this site as you can, forums and chatrooms are great for all sorts, even a giggle or two.

Take care and welcome.

Iain

Laissez les bon temp roulez

[tonightwefly]

First, thank you all very much for taking the time to reply to me, and for being so nice [:I]. It's taken me a couple of days to even be able to bring myself to look back here, lol.

Maybe this is me doing the overanalysis thing again but I'm quite honestly surprised at the idea of my being depressed. I hadn't even thought of it. Back when this all started a good few years ago I was what I would consider to be 'depressed' for about a year or so, but it felt *so* different from what I'm feeling like now. I remember just feeling incredibly sad and angry all the time, like the emotions dial was turned way way up.

Now it's more like it's been turned way way down and I've sort of found myself wondering if that's how it's supposed to be. I said in my last post that I wasn't happy, but I'm not unhappy either. I'm not an awful lot of anything. Everything is just boring, for want of a better word. I can't get excited about anything. I sort of assumed that you had to be sad to be depressed. I don't know.

Today I've been if anything a bit more sure about the anxiety I think. Still trying to figure out how to get out of the blood donation talk (which is probably going to be next Thursday) and now my parents have gone and booked me a dentist appointment. I've not been concentrating all that well and consequently made a bit of a prat of myself in English Lit class today but at the same time I'm sort of relieved to be anxious again (but then that relief must mean it's not real, and we go around and around but you know all that). I am now extremely stir-crazy and dying to talk to anyone about anything, but wouldn't you know it, all my MSN contacts have gone quiet, lol.

One thing I should point out is that I'm eighteen and still living at home (and I'll be on a gap year before uni next year). About the only people who are close to me who I haven't told is my parents and goodness knows why I can't do it. So that's another issue. I think I've posted about it on the site before but I'm ashamed to say I've made no progress. I'm not even close to telling them. I'd tell them I get panic attacks (since somehow that's easier than saying you're afraid of doctors...) except I'm not sure that what I get *do* constitute panic attacks since I haven't hyperventilated during one in a very very long time and I assume that's sort of a central aspect. Anyway that's an added complication.

I don't know how I'm going to get to a GP but I'm thinking I probably should. Except I have this morbid dread of going to get myself sorted out and it turning out that nothing's wrong. Not to mention a morbid dread of the establishments themselves. Which is rather ironic...talk about catch-22.

I am so so glad I'm not the only one who's felt like this. Thank you.



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"Five million cybermen? Easy. One doctor? Now you're scared!"

Doctor Who is strangely true-to-life sometimes...

[jos]

hi

i really relate to the worry of "faking it". i sometimes thought that my anxiety and depression wasn't real and i should snap out of it but it was very real indeed - my psychologist validated the reality of my distress saying that nobody would "fake" the level of distress i was in. I was just another form of worry that i latched on to

i would suggest that you take some sort of professional help - what you describe is was i recognise as anxiety with depression on top - maybe medication can help - certainly talk therapy can help - why not try to find some non-medical professional help - a counsellor or psychologist

i found a psycologist privately - that was the best thing i could have done - i went to 3 different ones before choosing one to go with - does your school or college have a counselling service - it will be completely confidential and may be a good place to start

GPs are so used to seeing these problems - also they are human caring people -(most of them) maybe you could see the nurse instead

hang on in there with the music - it helped bring me round - when you enjoy it again it will feel so good to be back

good luck jos

[tonightwefly]

Sadly no counselling service at school, apart from a nurse who reports everything back to your tutors (and I tried to see her a few times three or four years ago...I now get panicky just being in her presence because I failed so many times and eventually gave up trying to talk about it).

I would go private but my parents don't know and I wouldn't be able to afford it without them. :(

I worry about being prescribed medication. I don't think I'd take it if I was. I don't think that my anxiety's bad enough (I'm functioning, I'm getting decent marks at school and I cope all right...I'm not sure that that's deserving of chemical assistance) and I don't want things to feel even more uninteresting than they currently do, which I worry medication might prompt. It's not so much suppressing feelings as bringing them back that I could do with [Sigh...].

Thanks, by the way

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"Five million cybermen? Easy. One doctor? Now you're scared!"

Doctor Who is strangely true-to-life sometimes...

[jos]

hi
i don't think meds help me - i was scared to use them and scared not and was so pleased to get off them - they did dull me down but that was part of what was needed for me at the time

what really helped was understanding how anxiety (and depression) happens and affects us physically and mentally as well as how we can influence the anxiety by thoughts/reactions and physically with exercise/food/staying well away from caffiene and alcohol - (i'm the one who parties with a green tea or tonic in hand)

best of all was the talk therapy - both with friends who know me well and with a psycologist - one local counselling service that offered cheaper services by using trainees - not a bad thing as they will be really keen to help - some of the charities offer services which would probably be free

alternatively reading up on CBT - Cognitive behavioural therapy might be a cheap way of starting to look at the options of 'talk therapy'

this forum was a turning point for me in acceptance that what was happening was real and it was something i could do something about

good luck jos

[tonightwefly]

Really glad to hear that you've managed to get a hold on it

I'll have a look at CBT (although I've heard it isn't great for trypanophobia? Can't remember for the life of me where I heard that, though). Have had another little blip tonight and keep thinking that maybe I'm happier being anxious than not being anxious...it's like a comfort thing, and it's messing with my head. & still feel like my "symptoms" aren't bad enough to qualify anxiety.

I am absolutely no fun to talk to tonight, lol. Sorry.

I need to have a nose round these charities. I found a single place which does give free counselling last time I looked, but it only happens in Cornwall which is not really practical for me (given that I live in Berkshire, heh). I'll have a nose around.

Thanks again. Is really nice to be able to talk about this.

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"Five million cybermen? Easy. One doctor? Now you're scared!"

Doctor Who is strangely true-to-life sometimes...

[jos]

check out a book i found -

"Its OK to be neurotic - using your neurosis to your advantage"

by Dr Frank Bruno (not the Frank Bruno !!)

ISBN 1-59337-025-3

a really positive read about neuroses, anxiety and depression

I was asked the other day whether i would have rather not had my period of depression and anxiety ( it was pretty bad - a full on breakdown followed a year crawling back to life as i recognised it and still the ripples and mini crashes) and i said no - i have learnt so much about me life and people on my journey - anxiety is a normal healthy part of life - its just pulling it back into an acceptable range that was needed

if you feel ditressed by your feelings or if they ditress others seek help - don't think of things in terms of disorders but more in terms of pulling normal emotions back into range and challenging unhelpful behaviour or thinking - my GP was very careful not to label me for which i am grateful - thats why psycologists and counsellors are good if you don't need meds because they don't like to label - they just want to help with the issues

enough of my thoughts - time to go out and find some music on this friday night

good luck jos