sharing or adding to anxieties?

[happyone]

Hi,
do any of you ever think you are doing the right thing by trying to allay your anxiety then end up feeling like you have contributed to it instead?
I have just received an e mail from a colleague who had been told by another that I was worried how people were thinking about me being off work. Her reply was lovely, people think a lot of me are worried about me etc.
Instead of me feeling relieved though, I feel sick to the pit of my stomach that I even asked the question originally. I am usually such a private person I would never normally ask this as I would worry it highlights my weaknesses (as I see them)
I am worried that I have created concern amongst my colleagues, who don't actually know why I am off. I feel phoney and worried that they think I have a major life threatening illness but I am so embarrassed by my illness I can't be open (I know mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of but I can't help it, it is my fear of being seen as weak)
The second colleague who is my manager, does know why I am off and I fell bad for putting her in such a position where she knows and the rest don't. I know what my colleagues are like and they will think it is 'the management' being ''them and us'.
I have had cards and e-mails from colleagues, but not responded to them, so now I am worried about that too.
I woke up today and felt okay. The last few days i have felt pretty positive and now I feel I am back a good few steps. If I could cry I would, but it is all stuck in my chest and the familiar horrible feelings of panic are rising.
I had just promised to take the kids to she shops (which, considering how little I have done with them recently, is a big treat) now I don't want to go out the door.
Hubby not home til 4 and I just think the next 4 1/2 hours are going to be unbearable.
Sorry, I hate these times. I felt so good about feeling that bit better.
Happyone
:(

[LickeyEndBlues]

Hi Happyone,
Firstly,
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Secondly, your feelings about work are not unusual and niether are those of your colleagues. I can relate, big time, to how you perceive what others think of you and it really becomes an issue for me which is stupid!!

It might be an idea to be open and honest about why you are off to all your colleagues. It will reduce the "office speculation" and you may find even more empathy rather than the lovely sympathy that you have received.

In being open about your mental illness you will be helping to break down the barriers that exist and you will be challenging your own feeling of shame. That I feel could also be theraputic.

Ups and downs are all part of the cycle of these illnesses and you will feel better again, just as you will have another off day. I am sure everyone can relate to that!!

Take care, and remember you are not alone.

Iain

What's so funny about peace, love and understanding?

[happyone]

Hi,
thanx for your replies.
You are right, there are ups and downs to this, and now I am feeling more positive again. it is easier to believe that.
I like the idea of me 'misusing my imagination' describes me to a tee! Also, 'learning something' might make me feel more positve, as I am gaining something out of it, something that I want, rather than 'getting' therapy.
I read your threads Nigel, and yes they helped and struck a few cords with me. It is amazing how one person can be so blaise about something that I would tie myself in knots about (my dh for example, which doesn't help him to understand why I am like I am)
I agree that being open about why I am off work would help to break down barriers, but I don't feel strong enough for that just now. I believe I will in the future as I am very open now , with people that I had post natal depression a few years ago but I wasn't when it was happening.
thank you again.
Happyone