Crap and crapper

[PanickyPolly]

I just don't know what to say today so I've come in to sound off. Hope that's ok. Just feel like crap today...I'm in pain, anxious, depressed and twitching like crazy. I sropped a tea-towel yesterday and it got me so angry I screamed the place down. Feel like I'm going insane. Feel like a mess. A factory reject. I look back at my life and it was so horrendous, so painfull I don't know how I survived. I'm also sick of people judging me on my appearance. I had comments today that really piss me off. Sometimes I get so angry I could just kill someone. not that I ever would of course but that's how angry I get. I'm sick of other people, sick of judgements sick of everything. My life is so empty...I have noone in my life at all aprt from a deaf, insensitive step father who means well but always says things that get to me and he never hears have the conversations I have with him as he's so hard of hearing. That's it. That's my lot. I think I might die alone. Rot and die. I could be here rotting and that's the only thing that coudl get people's attention...the smell. Sorry it sounds horrible I knwo but that's what goes through my mind sometimes. I can't see myself getting married or having children. I even can't walk properly anymore due to my physical problems.

[happyone]

Polly,
I'm so sorry you are having such a bad time now and in the past. I wish I could say something that would make it all ok.
It's ok to be angry with life sometimes and the people in it. You know you would never kill them, I feel like that sometimes too. I don't know if you have any constructive outlet for your anger (counselling etc?) but maybe it could help? (NOT that I'm any example, Im having anger management as part of my CBT!)
I really do wish I could make you feel better now, but things do get better, the anger and the sadness has to subside.
Take care
Happyone
x

[clickaway]

Hi Polly,

I know what you mean by feeling so alone, especially the death bit. Says something about this world, doesn't it?

I went through a phase of feeling a bit like you, but gradually I have come out of that. Maybe you will too, and why not?

Please try and accept you have this crap condition and situation, and that will ease the load. Do you have any msn contacts or are you able to talk to anyone about how you feel in your area?

Take Care,


Ray


http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

[Lindalou64]

pOLLY KEEP YA CHIN UP..STAY POSTIVE I KNOW WE ALL HAVE BAD DAYS AND FEEL THE SAME WAY YA DO......CHANGE IT THO THE BEST YA CAN ITS HARD I KNOW I WONT GET INTO MY PAST BUT I SURVIVED STILL STRUGGLING BUT MORE POSITIVE.....BEST TO YA..........LINDA[8D]

[phoenix]

polly. i you ever want to chat, pm me.
Vix

{hugs}

[phoenix]

if

damnit

hehehe
Vix
xxx

[PanickyPolly]

Thaanks guys...tried counselling Happy One but they just lolok at me bermused when I describe how I feel as if they have no idea what is ewrong with me. That's why I'm waiting to see a psychologist. I have a gut feeling that I have more than anxiety and depression also.

Don't even have anyone on MSN actually Ray...no-one cares...people are cra...you get close to them, trust them then they reject you. Walk all over you, use you. That's why I'm utterly isolated. You guys are my life line really.

Haf another massive outburst of rage yesterday. Screamed down the phone (literally) at the trainline automated service as I couldn't get the inf I wanted. ended up feeling physically ill. I can't tell you how angry I get. I just want to destroy destroy destroy. Sometimes it's over in seconds or minutes. Rarely last very long. Once it hapenned in front of my step dad and 10 minutes later I was relaxed and humming to myelf. I couldn't even remember it really. He said what was that all about and I said what and he had to remind me. Sometimes it gets so bad that I get paranoid that the police will come knocking on my door.

Moods all over the shop. Felt very depressed this morning...felt like dying then an hour later I was happy as Larry.

I wonder who Larry is.

Or who I am actually. Don't think of myself as having a personality at all.

[Paddington]

Hi poll,oh kiddo you are going thru it aren't you hun.I am with you on the counselling,mine was awful she should not be doing the job and i should have complained but i did not!We tend not to i think,us with mental health issues.The rage is coming from deep inside you poll,and it needs to be addressed,i am glad you have been refered to a psychologist..have you much of a wait?.......I get like that with automated phone lines ..oh the language..lol..!!The lonely isolation is a symptom too Poll.Friends seem to drift away ,i know..they dont understand.Well i have no friends cept the people on here,i dont call you 'virtual friends' i say you are all my real friends as we understand each others pain.Here any time you need a friend hun,Love mary rose.xxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[PanickyPolly]

Thanks Rose...it sure is tough when everyone abandons you isn't it? I'm not sure how long my waiting list is to see the shrink. Not too long I hope. I seem to be getting worse. I'm not too bad today but as you can see my moods are all over the place. Was a bit hyper this morning probably because I found a new dentist and she was very nice and I get a buzz out of any form of attention as it's the only attention/care I get. Could very well sink back into doom this evening though. Couldn't sleep last night as I felt so empty. Sometimes I feel as if I'll be alone forever. It makes me terrified sometimes.

[Paddington]

oh poll ,dont sink back into despair hun,hey they say the chat room is good[i dont go in myself,too shy!]i think it would do you so much good hun.Give it a try i here it can work wonders!If not pm me any time and we can have a natter.Thinkin of you.oh i know what you mean about the fuss thing too.I am the same if someone is nice to me,oh lord how sad is that..lol..!!You wont be alone forever,you will get well and go live your life,you will Polly!Give yourself some tlc.Dont be afraid,you have us lot on here too!Love mary rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore