In need of help and support- can't get much lower

[monty]

Hello everyone, I'm feeling pretty much as low as I can at the moment so thouhgt I'd write everything down and hope that someone can come to my rescue....

Yesterday mum went to the hospital where I went regularly for about 2 years for CBT, amongst other things. At my last session, about 6 months ago i think, I had a massive panic attack (probably my worst ever) and wobbly legs that meant I couldn't get out of the hospital for about 30 mins. Anyone who has panic attacks will know how utterly terrified I was and can probably understand that I never want to have to go through it again.

So when mum came back she sat me down (obviously knew I would get upset because we did my daily 'challlenge' of going out first) and she told me I had to go back to the hospital to continue CBT. Apparantley the woman I was seeing before wasn't the best (not even fully qualified yet).

Not only that but one of my many fears is heights of any sort- and as a result I haven't been able to go upstairs anywhere (even at home but we live in a bungalow so its ok) but the woman has said her room is upstairs and I have to go there.

Straight away I am terrified and can't think anything but negative thoughts of panicking again. Then to top it all off mum tells me that the woman at the hospital has told her that she is being too nice to me and not pushing me hard enough, so mum is convinced that forcing me to got to the hopsital is the only way I will ever recover.

I hope there are some of you out there that understand how desperate I am not to go, but if I don't mum and the rest of my family will be angry and weird with me. I feel I have nowhere to turn and don't have any desire to do anything anymore. I just don't care- today I got up, had breakfast, checked emails, put the washing into the drier- just went through the motions and any time I think about the hospital I just want to curl up and die.

Please tell me what I need to do. Things were difficult enough without this to worry about constantly- I was hoping the hypnotherpay that I'd just started may help me get back on track but obviously no one else thinks this can help.

Sorry to go on and on, I don't know what to do with myself. :(

Lucy x

[angie3077]

Hi lucy,

Sorry to hear you are having such a rough time at the moment. I can completly understand that you do not want to return to the CBT for a couple of reasons. One being you said the panic attack you had at your last session and two being it sounds like you just do not understand or even like your therapist?
I once had a massive panic attack walking into town and for months afterwards I would not walk over that same stretch of pavement....I would avoid it completly and go another way. What I am saying is that is so easy for us to think 'well it happened there before so it will again', although now I go that way very often and it never happened again! Also, you need to have a therapist that YOU are happy with (this is very important and I believe the CBT will not work unless this is the case)
I did not like my first one and dreaded going every week, obviously I did not get any better during that period either. Luckily I changed to CBT group therapy which meant a new leader and she was fantastic, I no longer dreaded going and improved week by week until I no longer need to go. Little things like this make a huge difference.
I also cannot believe that you were told you HAD to go upstairs when clearly this was terrifying to you. The session should have been moved to a room on ground level and when you are ready to confront the fear of heights then so be it! No one should force you to do anything especially if it makes your panicing worse.
Can I ask how old you are? as it sounds to me that perhaps you are letting others be more involved in this than they need to be. You should attend the sessions by yourself and when you need the support of others they will be there regardless.
This is something only you can sort out and that means dealing with things your way and not how you think others want you to deal with it, I hope that does not sound too harsh....its not intended that way.
Please don't feel so ready to give up, getting better is a long road, I still struggle every day ( have done for 7 years or so now, and I am only 23 years old!) but I believe things do get better but you really need to do what you feel is right for you. I think you should arrange for a different therapist/councellor and take it from there, is the hospital the only place which offers these services? Look into it and only when you feel totally comfortable then take the next steps. Good luck with everything.
Angie x

[mingsy]

Hi Lucy
Sorry your having such a rough time, but don't give up on yourself, YOU WILL IMPROVE AND SLOWLY YOU WILL GET BETTER. I have had CBT in the past and have just started again it does make a difference you will feel able to cope more easily. Telephone the therapist and explain your fears in person, ask if they could start with a home visit and then take it from there. I am not saying it is going to easy but each time you challenge the fears they will start to fade. This time 2 months ago I wouldn't leave the house, or be alone, but now after alot of hard work I'm getting there, I've just driven to Asda and done a small shop by myself
I don't know if this has helped at all, but please don't give up on yourself there is a lovely world full of nice people just waiting for you round the corner.
Jane

JANE

[monty]

Hi, thanks for your replies.

Angie- I'm 17- and very close to my family, especially my mum which is why I can't just say sod them all and I'll do what I think is right. I can't attend the session by myself- that is even scarier- although I am now stuggling to trust that mum will listen to me and support me when things get too much- she will do anything to try and make me better even if it means letting me panic on my own at the hospital. The only other person I could find to do CBT, who I actually quite liked, is about 20 miles away and unwilling to do a home visit. I really don't like the woman at the hospital- I mean I've never met her but she's already started upsetting me!

Jane- It's a good idea but I think I would just get upset and frustrated if I talked to this woman on the phone- and there's no chance of a home visit- she would just say that I'm not pushing myself hard enough and has already convinced my mum that I'm not going to recover unless I force myself into the hospital. Well done for getting to Asda- I think you must be very brave and strong.

Nigel- I do try to think positive and not just dwell on what might happen but I can't get the scary thoughts out of my head- I will try wiriting them down and see if that helps. The trouble is that I have a real fear of fear- I'm just so scared of having a panic attack- even though nothing is 'really going to happen'- I think the panic attack in itself is enough to terrify me. I realise the fear of heights and all my other phobias are irrational but I can't communicate that to my subconcious mind. I will also try talking to my hypnotherapist about it.

Thanks to everyone for their advice, I am listening and really appreciate it. I 'm sorry if I seem very negative, I am trying to see light at the end of the tunnel but so far I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, or worse, going in the wrong direction... [Sigh...]

[candie]

Hi monty,

If you dont want to go then dont go thats what i say.You should NEVER let people force you into doing something you dont want to do because with this illness the pressure only makes it 10 times worse.

I know that we should be forcing ourselves to do things but thats not the way anxiety goes.We all know that you SHOULD go but doing it is another matter.If you do decide to go,then good for you but if you don't then don't beat yourself up about it and your family will get over it.
There will be plenty of other times when you do feel that you can cope better and cbt is not always the answer for everyone.

Try your best to go but if you dont manage it,then thats ok too....


Take care...Candie xx

[angie3077]

Hi again, Hows things today?

I understand that you are very close to your family, and the last thing I was suggesting was for you to say 'sod them'. I simply meant sometimes its best do think about what you want and how you want to deal with things thats all. I think it is worth going to the person 20 miles away, its not that far is it...could your mum take you or could you perhaps get a bus? It is very important as I said before that you feel at ease with this person. I think if you attended a couple of sessions and you decided to take your mum with you it is probably likely that after a few you will decide to go by yourself anyway. Hey and don't be sorry for feeling this way, we all have felt this way at some point and this is the place to come for just a chit chat or advice. Hope today you are feeling a little better?

Angie x

[monty]

Thanks to everyone for their advice and support. Do people in general think I should go? Am I being unreasonable or cowardly by thinking this is too much for me to do?

I'm feeling very confused and strange- everything seems to have a cloud hovering over it since Monday- no matter what I do the worry of having another wobbly legged panic attack is always at the back of my mind. I know I won't collapse when I'm sitting thinking rationally but at the time I am utterly convinced I will and I don't know how to not be scared of something or face up to something that I am convinced is the truth.

I really am trying to be positive but can't get the questions and worries out of my head- hopefully writing them down will help.

Hope everyone is ok,

Lucy -x-

[keef737]

Dear Lucy
my panic attacks were so bad in the begining if I walked 6 foot they would come back, and I was afraid to be alone. afraid and nervous of what was happening - and thanks to the help on Nomorpanic im stronger, better, and they are going, I made a start by reading the forums and getting answers and that helped, good diet breathing excercises and to know that panic attacks effect the way you see things as well, well here you can make loads of friends and they help, you, to get better ! I know, because thats whats happended to me! and if you cant go much lower Lucy , theres only one way left and thats up !

keith XX

[angie3077]

Hi lUcy, it is absoloutly NOT unreasonable for you not to go if you don't feel right about it at the moment. Perhaps write down the pro's and con's of going or not going, weigh them out...as you suggested writing things down can really help! You will go only if you want to, and only when you are ready - you putting more pressure on yourself will only make you shy away more.

Angie x

[samc100]

Hi Lucy
Sounds like the CBT at hospital option is too much for you at the present.
Could you do a deal with your mum? You say you are working on going out more. For example you could say you are working on travelling into town by public transport, or going to the local library. It might take time but will give you something to focus on that is a positive move and your mother will appreciate you are trying.

I think your mum just might be worried that you seem to giving up and doing nothing. Parents hate the thought of kids doing nothing! If she sees you are working on something positive then she'll be pleased. You could work on it together. Just at your pace.

Can you go to your Dr and explain the problems of getting to the CBT? They may have ideas to help you.