Constant HIV anxiety

[OntheVerge]

So I've always had this fear of HIV (since my father passed away when I was 16 years old)
I had an HIV scare months back when I was sick for weeks on end after performing oral on a guy I was seeing.
Now I'm in another HIV scare and so afraid to test next week.
2 weeks after performing oral and frottage with a guy who is the brother of a friend and I was seeing at the time (who claims he tests every year and has come up negative) I became very ill, was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection which then became allergies this week.
It will be 5 weeks since the encounter happened on monday and on the 6th week I'm going into a sexual health clinic for a full STD panel and rapid HIV test.
I can't shake that he may have infected me with the virus again even though that night I felt like I could trust him.
Another reason I am afraid is because the night after he completely cut off contact with me and won't respond to my texts and it's not as if I can just make his sister tell me his sexual status at all.

Once again, I feel sad, disposable, used and lost. I've never had sex before and now I'm afraid that I have HIV and will never get to feel that emotional connection in an intimate relationship with someone because I have convinced myself I am HIV positive with no results.

I know I was stupid but I don't know where to go from here. I suffer from anxiety and depression and just feel like caving in and giving up. Every time I think of HIV or relationships I want to cry and hurt myself.

[Catherine S]

When you say he may have infected you with the virus again...you surely can't have been infected before? Or have I read that part wrong? The best thing you can do is take the test and wait for the results to be honest. I know you want somebody to make it all go away but you need to take the test just to be sure.

[OntheVerge]

I meant that my fear has come up again that I am infected, sorry for my poor wording I still Believe!
When I had my first "scare" I tested negative and found that the symptoms I was experiencing was all from the encounter.
I am going to test for my own piece of mind but it's extremely scary I don't know who to talk to in this or where to go. That's why I come here for reassurance and support from strangers bc I have no network here.

[Catherine S]

Sorry for the confusion and somebody here will probably relate to your fears I'm sure, but its 1am here so may not be too many awake at the moment.

[RoseEve]

It is very hard to contract HIV from oral sex. But if you are going to worry like this if say next time use a condom (yes even for oral sex) and get an HIV test. When I was worried that my husband may have cheated on me (he didn't) I had an HIV test put my mind right at ease.

[Fishmanpa]

Hi OTV,

Fear of HIV certainly can cause some major anxiety and there are many posts on this subject (use the search function).

The ladies have given you good advice. I'll reiterate what was said and put it more bluntly. DO NOT ENGAGE IN RISKY SEXUAL BEHAVIOR!

If you have a fear and anxiety of HIV and engage in sexual activity without protection or knowing your partners status, it's akin to having a fear of lung cancer and smoking. Get tested and refrain from future careless behavior.

Positive thoughts

[OntheVerge]

Hi RoseEve we partook in oral and frottage (genital to genital contact with no insertion/penetration -- sorry for the TMI readers) I know both acts are theoretical risks even my doctor has told me this but I just have this feeling in me that says something is wrong. I'm not to sure if it is a matter of anxiety (I pray that's all it is) and I'm talking it up but I know better and will test next week to see where I am.

Fishmanpa
Thanks will do… will come back when I have my results. Praying for the best.

[Fishmanpa]

Based on the statistical risks, I'm confident it will be good news

Positive thoughts

[OntheVerge]

You always provide great words of encouragement!
Thank you fishmanpa
I really hope that we are both right, looking for brighter and better answers everyday

[JB1985]

Hi OnTheVerge,

Very conservative HIV experts will tell you that oral and frottage has a small theoretical risk. More pragmatic experts will tell you no risk. Bear in mind that its a very difficult virus to transmit.

I was tested recently, and the nurse who did it told me that they do 50 tests every day, which equals to well over 12,000 tests every year. You can assume that most of those 12,000 people have good reasons to test. Out of all those people they only have 25 who test positive. 25 people out of 12,000 - and not just 12,000 random people. 12,000 who has been exposed to a risk. That's only 0,002%!