my choice

[Jacsta]

So I have been struggling with depression for over 10years now. I had some really rocky years, but then I got (what I thought) "better". I knew that I would never be depression/anxiety free, but I was "coping" and doing positive things with my life.

For a few months I have started having a lot of the deep dark thoughts that I used to have at the beginning, but I did the I'll ignore them and hope they will go away thing. Then I started to reflect about things, and actually realised that I have really been better....I've just been putting on a front and appearing to be well. It made me see the world differently, I watched rather than participated on what has been going on. This world is such a sad, stressful, depressing place.

So I'm at a crossroads right now. I admitted my mood to a few people I am close to on nmp a week ago, I lost my strength, I lost my fight...I thought I'd break it down, and then put myself back together again and I would feel better, so I put myself back together again, went back to work and appeared to have that strength back...but really all it was was a front...again, and my reward for that was 3 long hard days at work which involved me being insulted by colleagues and put on with lots of work. I am off for 4 days now, so once again I'm alone with my thoughts, and again I'm back to square 1...I actually feel worse because I feel like I have been a drain on my friends on here, and me being like this means I cannot be there for them in their time of need...which tbh was the only thing I was good for on this earth.

This is how my depression works. It drains me, and then drains the people around me....until I am alone.

So I have a choice....I can either find some strength from somewhere (which has been proving tough) and appear to be "well" so that I can integrate back into the world around me...or...I can stay as I am. Either way its to be alone.

(I know people will suggest the doctors, the therapy, the meds, the talking...all that seems to do is allow the front to continue...I feel this is how my brain is set, this is my destiny). Sorry for this depression post, I just needed to release something, somewhere ... to help me process my thoughts without putting it all on one person.

[venusbluejeans]

Jac, you will NEVER be alone (if you like it or not)

[SarahH]

Yep Venus is right... you will never be alone and family and REAL friends will be there to support you through this blip. You have coped and will do again.

sarah

[Jacsta]

I don't know. When I'm like this I drive people away...and when I put a front on I feel alone as people don't realise how hopeless I feel inside....but its just how life has to be I suppose.

[Elen]

Jac honey, I don't have the answer and I truly wish I did.

You don't have to put on a front around everyone as I know how tiring that can be in itself.

You have stuck by the rest of us when we are having problems and we will try and do the same for you.

I am currently debating the doctor route etc and I really am not sure that the answers lie there but willing to give it a go.

You have loads of uses honey, not just the one.

Always here for you hun.

Elen xxx

[Jacsta]

Thanks Elen, you have been a great support to me over the past few years...I wish I had your strength x

[Jacsta]

So I've been winding myself up all night thinking about how to move forward...my problem at the moment is I've lost all fight...so a big part of me cant really be bothered with fighting to be well, or put on the front...I know how destructive this is, but I don't think I actually care.

I considered again maybe going to the doctors again, but that would involve telling work what is going on...and I think I may lose and respect they have for me, and possibly the job I worked 3 hard years to get...

I also considered telling my fiancé/6weeks to be husband....but feel that wouldn't achieve much, he is going through a tough time at work, he doesn't really "get" depression...and the honest thoughts would probably scare him off anyway.

Anyway...after going through my options....again....I find myself back at the beginning...alone....and left in this rutt, that I feel I'll be in forever...

I don't think there is an answer. I tell so many people on here that each person has their own journey, what works for one wont work for another...I know all this....I missed the warning signs in myself, so now am a spectator on this world...watching and seeing how people fit in it.

[Moley]

Awww Jacs, I too wish I had the answer for you but unfortunately I don't. But as to whether you are alone I don't think that will be the case you have been so many things to so many people on here alone. You have been there so much for me and if there is anything that I can do to help you through this patch do not be afraid to ask.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I know what you mean because I have depression and I find it hard to motivate myself to try to get better. Its as though my subconscious wants this.

I've not got the answers either but I'm looking for them too.


So far all I can think of is to find things that appeal to my strengths and immerse myself in them, to find things I can find pleasureable, etc. Its hard though because I feel very little for what I used to enjoy.


I think your partner is one of the many. I didnt understand how this really felt until I experienced it. Is it possible to explain it to him with some support such as him attending an appointment with a doctor and go from there? Maybe he is a bit fearful if it but doesnt want to upset you further? He obviously loves you for who you are, thats a great start.


Workwise, many bosses dont have a clue about this stuff. The fact is, is they disrespect you for needing help, they are ignorant people. I felt like this too, that I would be seen as a weak person, but you need to do whats right to get yourself better.

[bluesparkle]

Hi Jac

Im not sure what to say and I wish I did

You will never be alone not on here anyway.
You have helped so many people through tough times I for one couldn't have got through this last 6 months with out people here and you have been a brilliant support and always make me smile with your straight and honest answers.

weather you are alone or have people around depression /anx etc are all horrid and they make you feel so alone,
please don't stay quiet and talk to us when you need to one thing we have in common here is we all DO understand although our journeys are different.

Hang on in there Jac things will turn around.

Rach
x