Hi,

I do not really know where to start here. I do not even know if I am in the right forum... (I apologise if I am in the wrong forum)

I am a 28 year old female from a small town. I live with my mother, who is absolutely wonderful - I am so lucky to have such a wonderful mother and grandmother (I have a great family).

I had 'problems' growing up - I didn't have such a great time at school (it was horrible) and it was all a horrible mess. I think I've blocked out a lot of school unhappiness. (I did see a boy - now man - in the local newspaper a few weeks ago. He, along with his friends, used to ridicule me at school, and I must confess that I didn't feel like the nicest person ever as I saw his photo. So much for moving on, eh... *sigh* )

I also had quite a 'difficult' relationship with my stepfather. (I blame myself quite a lot for his later break-up with my mum)

Basically, the last few years of my life have been dominated by thoughts. The most horrible, appalling thoughts. (I would never ever in a million squillion gazillion etc etc etc ETC years EVER act on these thoughts! The most upsetting thoughts, horrible... ) It really started in 2002. I was so scared. Four years down the line, several treatments later (hypnotherapy, reiki, antidepressants, herbal remedies, psychologists, psychiatrists, self-help books, counsellors) - I am still scared. I think I feel worse around this time of year.

I have just come off the antidepressant Citalopram. I had been taking it for a couple of years, I believe (I can't remember the exact time! I did come off it gradually). I am now trying things like camomile tea, and trying not to drink Diet Coke so much (a big favourite drink of mine... I have vowed to give it up completely next year!). I was still having the thoughts with Citalopram. Absolutely (unfortunately).

I worry about these thoughts, I worry about writing (in case 'rogue' words come out), I worry about everything. I get upset about so many things.

I really want to 'take control' of my life. I was recently offered a job (I think possibly my first successful job interview ever) but I haven't heard back from these people, and it's been a few weeks. I would love to travel, have a relationship (aah... ), really do some more things with my life. I hate feeling like this - I feel so scared. My mental health absolutely terrifies me (I am getting emotional again... ).

I have told a doctor about these thoughts, and a psychologist (or was she a psychiatrist... Oh gosh, my MEMORY... ). My doctor (lovely lady) told me that my symptoms are apparently not uncommon. My psychologist/atrist (also a lovely lady, a young lady! She was 24) also told me that this is not uncommon. I stoppped seeing her earlier this year (April/May). (We had gone as far as we could, but she was great)

I really do not have anyone to talk to - I keep a journal and have done so for many years now. (I can't imagine where on earth I would be if I didn't have that book) I have put my family through enough, and no way could I ever tell them about this. I would really like to do something for 'them' one day.

I can 'get on' with life as in go shopping, go to the gym, talk to people, but these thoughts do get in the way of my life and make me very frustrated and unhappy.

I do not know what to do now. I have been told that these thoughts may not go away but it's a case of 'controlling' them.

I get scared and lonely. I really want to take control of my life but I just don't know where to go, what to do...

And I know how lucky I am when I think of other people. I really do.

I seem to have typed a lot...
Many thanks to anyone who has read this and lots of love (it has really helped me to write this down)