Depression, anxiety...

[Soda Girl]

Hi mynameis

I hope you are well, and are having a good 2007 so far. (The same to everyone on this forum too)

I'm so sorry to read of what you have been going through, and to hear of the loss of your father. I'm pleased that things have got better for you. Think of all the progress you have made, and the progress you will continue to make! And I am sure that you will. You seem like a strong person - again, you have really made such a lot of progress, and please don't forget that...

I really wish I had other words to help. But, aargh... *looking over at empty packet of Jaffa Cakes and St. John's Wort tea*

Sorry to speak (or write) about myself again - I am sorry about this. The last week for me has been absolutely awful. I think it's been a combination of a few things: New Year (eek!), new job (eek!), New Year's Resolutions (eek!), hormonal troubles (eek!) etc... I have been crying endlessly and it's just been horrible, so very horrible. I'm wondering whether I should go back on anti-depressants. It's been scary and horrible... My mind just never ever seems to be at peace, and it scares me so much. Horrible horrible...

My mother has been making enquiries about my going to see a therapist. I really have to do something. (And I hate bringing my mother down, so very much) I think that it is the New Year, and I really want to get this all together! Come ON, come on...

Take care - best wishes again

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Hi Soda (and everyone else),

I hope that by talking about my own experiences that I can help you with yours. Right now, I'm coming to the conclusion that anxiety comes before depression for me and not the other way around. I had thought that it was the other way around because I've always been slow, lethargic, listless and introverted and I had a couple of bouts of more severe depression before my breakdown. Whereas, I knew that I was an uptight person, but I didn't think that the problem with anxiety was so severe.

Basically, I have always been afraid of going very far from home (agoraphobia....although I'm only just realising that that's what it is). I live in Cheshire and, before my breakdwon, I was always fairly comfortable driving to Manchester, Liverpool, London or wherever. I even drove to Amsterdam without much difficulty. But, I've always been afraid (illogically) of travelling very far afield. If people talk about going to America or Australia my reaction has always been a mix of frustration, jealousy and nausea at the thought of doing it myself. I really would love to be free to see the world, but there is no way that I could board a plane for some far flung destination. I would be totally hysterical. People may say "when you're there, you're there", but the thought of being on the other side of the world would freak me out and I'd feel so sick with anxiety and depression.

I had the worst panic attack of my life on a flight to Amsterdam, where I had the most overwhelming urge to open the door and throw myself out of the plane. It was really horrible and distressing trying to sink as deep into the chair as I could and wrapping my legs around the legs of the chair to try and stop myself. The stewardness had to sit with me the whole time while I blew into a bag. When we got to the other side I saw the police with guns and I had a compulsion to grab one and start shooting. I went out with people the first day, but the second day I stopped in bed all day trying to fight off an urge to throw myself out the window.

Ok, so I wasn't with the most supportive people, but I tried to face my fear and it backfired. The wierd thing is that I was freaking out about getting back because I really didn't want to fly, I hate the sea probably more so and the thought of doing the tunnel is awful. In the end, the easiest way to get home was to fly and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, even though it was still pretty hairy.

I should get to a point I suppose. I do try a lot of things: yoga, self-hypnosis, exercise, self-help books, tft.....very often I finish it and don't feel 'cured', so I discount it or lose interest. But, something interesting that I read is that you should look at such things like this: "No one thing will cure you 100%, but 10 things might each cure you 10%", so any small benefit is a step in the right direction. I thought to myself today too that "NOT flying is not going to cure my fear of flying. I'm not going to wake up one day free of it".

For me, the best time facing my fear was when I went up the Great Orme in Llandudno. I really wasn't going to do it. I was going to meet everyone round the other side (the sort of thing that I always do), but I let myself get talked into it and going up in the mountain train I was clinging on for dear life with white knuckles, while these two old dears were sat opposite me doing their knitting or something!! I got to the top and I was bricking it, imagining myself falling down the mountain or something but, as the sea came into view I felt a mix of awe and maybe even bravery come over me. For the first time in years my head cleared, I didn't feel unreal, my body relaxed....it was like "this is it, I literally am facing my fear!". I was still a little nervy, but I felt alive and it was amazing.........my mind got it's own back a little later on though when it started giving my heart symptoms!! lol

I can't say that I've reached the summit and that I know all the answers, but I'm pretty sure that I've suffered as much as anyone with anxiety and de

[mynameis]

Jeez Soda, Sounds like a tough start to the year ! Hope things have settled a little now. I know that you feel bad dragging your mother down, but if you're lucky, family care & they don't want to see you hurting. You & your mum both sound determind to find a solution or at the very least, find a way of living with these fears, and I'm sure you'll find it. As long as you tell your mum that she is helping & also when you're having a good spell, she'll feel that she's being of some benefit to you. I hope you can resist the temptation of the anti-depressants as I remember what it was like stopping the paroxetine & it wasn't good. I know that if I started on them again, then I'm right back where I was 4 years ago, & that seems motivation enough at the moment.

So, how's the new job ? You're right, it is daunting & stressful, but don't be afraid to ring a friend for a shoulder to cry / lean on. I hope you find the support that everybody needs from time to time, and in the meantime, try to remember that we've got another 350 odd days until the next new year, so one less thing to worry about !

[mynameis]

Oh, & Soda, don't apologise for requesting help for your own problems ! That's what we're all here for & you can write about anybody you like including yourself ! Good luck & remember that you are not alone.

[Keitharcher]

Soda girl welcome to nmp, you will meet the best people in the world on this site, they will try to help, they will not judge. You are having a bit of a tough time but you have taken the first steps, you have told someone how you feel, you have opened up on nmp, that is a very positive move. What can I say, you are your own person, you make your own life, about a year ago i was like you in the depths of despair, contemplating suicide, but then i found nmp. It was here that I forced myself to look at my problems head on, start to make a positive life out of a negative one. It worked, I now have a new zest for life, I like it, I got rid of the old baggage, I stopped to smell the flowers, I am cured. Reading your post I think you like me can do it for yourself, its not easy, yu have to come out of your comfort zone and face it all head on. However, reading between the lines of your posts i think thats what you want, go for it start to be positive, turn the negatives into positives, forget the old life and the old enimeis, your life starts today here and now, over the next few months you will learn to live it and enjoy. I am right behind you, remember we know what you feel so when it gets to much come into the fourm or chat and let rip with your frustrations

Keith

[Soda Girl]

Hi,

Thanks so much for the replies. Thank you for the advice, for the kind words... (Again, I don't know what to say. I really don't. Thanks so so so much... )

Things haven't been so bad for me recently, thankfully... (Though I do worry about tempting fate by writing such things! I'm sorry if I sound negative but I worry about tempting fate - I cross fingers, toes, etc... ) The new job (a part-time job) is going okay so far (again, do not want to tempt fate, aaargh... ) - I'm lucky to be working with nice people. (I still worry incessantly and I don't know how I must be coming across... )

I am trying to control these awful thoughts and fears - I am trying meditation (I don't think I am doing it quite correctly though... ) and I am playing these "Alphabet" games on the bus to try and distract myself, as was suggested by my psychiatrist (or psychologist? Gosh, my awful memory... ) last year (and then I will end up hating myself for not knowing a capital city beginning with a certain letter! It goes on, and on, and I think I must be one of the most irritating people ever... ). I have also made enquiries about having some kind of therapy again - I have done this before but I think I would like to do it again. I have been going to the gym again too.

I know that I have to work at it. I really have to work at things, and be positive. I just get so scared with these thoughts - if I could take something to block out the thoughts, well... (What could I take? I don't know... Am approaching five years with the thoughts! Aargh... )

Thanks again for all your input - lots of love to you all, and thank you for helping me
xxx