Constant Fear of Losing Parents and some other fear

[hello100011]

Hi, I'm 20 years old and I really need help in this. I'm not in a proper state of mind now and have problems expressing this. This is gonna be a long post so please bear with it if you can help me. I'm sorry.

It began about three months ago when I start having this fear. I began thinking about my life without them and what is gonna happen to them when that time comes. I fear that I'll never see them ever again. I keep telling myself that there is still some time left, my mom's 45 and my dad's 55. But because I feel like I just went through 20years of my life like it was nothing, part of me thinks there's really no time left. These fears are keeping me from studying properly and I have exams now but my exams feel like the least of my concerns now.

I soon began resorting to religious beliefs but this seemed to made it worse. In the Buddhism belief, when one die, he is reincarnated (having another life) but will have no memories of his past life. I fear that if this is true, then I would lose all my memories of my parents and go on another life with another parents. But if it's not true, then my fear of never seeing my parents again will be real.

These fears are affecting my sanity as well. Soon after reading these religious beliefs, I began having suicidal thoughts to find out about the truth about death. Of course, I managed to stop myself from doing this everytime I have it but I know my mind is slipping away. At one point, when I saw my mother, a random thought of killing my mother right there came to me. I believe it's probably because I'm feeling so much pain of living in this constant fear, my subconscious blamed my mother for this pain. This thought lasted for a second but I was so horrified that I would think of such a thing, I just went into my room and lay on my bed, thinking about what is wrong with me.

My mom knew that I was having problems and tried to talk to me. I just suddenly broke down and started telling her about my fear of losing her. I didn't tell her about the religious fear and that random thought because I was afraid she would think differently of me and put me in a mental asylum or something. She told me that this cannot be avoided and it's part of life and I shouldn't be thinking of this now. She wanted me to open up to people more and I should learn to be strong to survive once they are gone. This didn't really help much because I'm now sure she loved me even more than I thought and I have a bigger fear of losing her now.

Please, I really need help. If I continue having these fears, I know I'm gonna go completely nuts and lose my mind completely. This may be additional info to my problems so I'm just gonna add it in anyway.
- This fear started after I finished playing Final Fantasy X and X-2
- I had another depression before this, something like a "anime depression" according to google
- I tried to distract myself by playing games or walking around for hours but it doesn't have its usual impact
Thanks for reading and sorry if I wasted your time completely

[WillyB]

Hello 'Hello',


I'd like to let you know you aren't alone in having thoughts like this. I personally think about losing my parents and like you, it scares me very much. I'm in my early twenties, My mother is in her late fifties, and my Father his late sixties. Throughout my life, I have always been bothered about their age. I recall feeling..disappointed and almost embarrassed about my parents age when I was younger, it seemed to me other people my age had much younger parents. I was troubled by the fact I would have less time with my parents than other people my age, and so I have spent all of this time worrying about the day I will lose them. My Mothers Mother is still alive, its difficult accepting that I will never reach her age and still have my parents around.

I went through over a year of complete reclusion from 2012 to late 13, shutting my family out of my life, I wouldn't say a word to them. I still cannot explain why I did this, I practically stopped living. I recall feeling so hopeless, shameful and angry about all the time I was losing with my parents, I feared one of them would die whilst I was still like that miserable wreck I was, and that it would be the last they saw of me. Thinking of it now brings me to tears.

I have started living again, and have reconnected with my family and feel as close to them as I ever have. I am now currently living away from home and cannot see them very often, but I know that every time I see them, I must make it a special and memorable time, even if I'm just sat watching a bit of telly with my Dad, I cherish that moment. What's obvious, is that worrying about something that is inevitably going to happen, is simply a waste of happiness. We cannot live day by day in fear of losing our loved ones, because when the time comes that they do pass away, we will have nothing but worry to reflect on.

As for the thought about harming your Mother, this is simply an intrusive thought, obviously you would never act on it. Everyone has intrusive thoughts, some people like you and me have trouble accepting them for what they really are, but they are just the same unwanted thoughts everyone has.

What both you and I must do, is cherish every moment we spend with our family, and not think of the unpleasant moment of one day losing them, but think about the joy we are experiencing in the moment being with them.

Take care