Well here we go again

Another dreadful night - 3 1/2 hours sleep. I lay there at 3 am and realised the last decent nights sleep I had was in September. I honestly don't think I can go on like this.

I went to bed very negative - that didn't help. A phone call from a friends husband started it - all jolly and when were we going to get together - could we meet on Monday or Tuesday for supper, etc, etc.

I was SO CROSS - 2 days earlier I had sat with my friend and discussed how dreadful I was feeling, how tired I was, how stressed and how I hoped she would understand if we just "missed" this christmas. I told her I felt that it was important for my own mental health and wellbeing that I didn't put myself in stressful situations. She said she understood and that I could call at anytime if I felt like some fresh air or a walk.

I suspect her husband has ulterior selfish motives for wanting to meet, but the call really upset me for the rest of the evening - I can't tell you how much it upset me.

This morning I feel tired, shivery, trembling, angry and SO emotional. I honestly don't think I can continue like this on 3 to 4 hours sleep each night. I am dreading christmas - I don't think I can carry it off and I honestly think I'm heading for a major breakdown. I hate the world so much at the moment - it feels as though everything is conspiring against me. I'm sure I could cope if I just had some decent sleep.

The irony is that I did so much yesterday. Finally forced myself to write all the christmas cards. Took them to the post office, collected a script from the GP, did some shopping, as well as some household chores. To end the day as I did and sleep badly too, was just the final straw.

I feel this morning as though I can't see a future. To top it all I HAVE TO GO OUT into town which will be very busy. I've done no christmas shopping at all - I have to buy a few small things for our son. I just don't know if I can do it - even with hubby.

I really do want to scream at the world - I'm so angry, tired and feeling bl**dy awful.

I honestly believe if it wasn't for our son, I would have taken the bl""dy tablets by now - anything to stop these awful feelings.

I really do just want to scream and shout and cry and...........

Sandie