Anyone else afraid to start living?

[Gemmal]

The first thing I do when I get up in the morning, is check this forum. Now I love it, its kept me going when I have been at my lowest. However, this is my number one thought when waking up: that i'm ill and " should i make a doctors appointment"

Its literally consumed me to the point where I have stopped living life in a normal fashion. I'm not excited about anything anymore, I don't laugh half as much as I used to and I feel like i am building up a huge wall in general.

Sometimes I'm jealous of others moving on and living their life without a care in the world.

Now as much as I have the strongest desire to return back to normal- i'm scared.

Im literally terrified of living life and not worrying about symptoms. After all, a hypochondriacs logical way of thinking " what if i miss something ". I seem to think this constant awareness of symptoms and my body is going to result in me living a longer life. but then I stop and realise for the past two and half years I haven't lived at all.

I remember the date 29th March 2012 where I was in tears as the first thought entered the mind that " i had lymphoma". 6th July 2014-still here, no diagnosis, perfect bloods. Same symptoms- still convinced I have it.

Where do I go from here? more tests? more appointments? i have even considered blowing a fortune on private healthcare appointments.

I want the zest for life back !

Sorry for the long post everyone, I hope some of you can empathise

Gemma x

[bluetopazgirl]

Reading this is just like reading a post of mine!!

exactly how I feel

hugs xx

Ps: ive just done a thread and im off again lol.

[Carnation]

Hi Gemmal,

There was a time I spent probably half my time on the computer with many hours on this Site and the rest of the time freaking out about my Symptoms and Health.
I'm glad to say that I am a lot further on from that now, but It takes a gradual process of re-building your Life. You will still be aware of your bodily symptoms and fret about some Disease or illness, but if you begin with small steps into normal Life again, it will not only take your Mind off of the Anxiety, you might actually find that you are more capable than you realize. I know you are thinking, 'Oh Yeah', easy to say, but you can. And the only way back to a normal Life, is by leading a normal Life.
Only 4 months ago, I couldn't sleep, eat, hardly walk, go out and all that stuff.
It was scary at first, but I started with small steps. And when you bump into people that have just got over Cancer, it makes you realize how precious Life is and the more you sit dwelling on what you might get the more ill you will feel.
Do those things you have always wanted to do, treat yourself, wear your best clothes, go out for lunch, sit in the Sun. Life is precious. Enjoy it.

[Gemmal]

Hi Gemmal,

There was a time I spent probably half my time on the computer with many hours on this Site and the rest of the time freaking out about my Symptoms and Health.
I'm glad to say that I am a lot further on from that now, but It takes a gradual process of re-building your Life. You will still be aware of your bodily symptoms and fret about some Disease or illness, but if you begin with small steps into normal Life again, it will not only take your Mind off of the Anxiety, you might actually find that you are more capable than you realize. I know you are thinking, 'Oh Yeah', easy to say, but you can. And the only way back to a normal Life, is by leading a normal Life.
Only 4 months ago, I couldn't sleep, eat, hardly walk, go out and all that stuff.
It was scary at first, but I started with small steps. And when you bump into people that have just got over Cancer, it makes you realize how precious Life is and the more you sit dwelling on what you might get the more ill you will feel.
Do those things you have always wanted to do, treat yourself, wear your best clothes, go out for lunch, sit in the Sun. Life is precious. Enjoy it.

That is such great advice Carnation, so glad your making progress! I guess its just one step at a time and your right I do need to realise how capable I am! I must not let this win

Thank you!

[luc]

Hi Gemmal,

Just as carnation says small steps. As long as you take some step. It's not always easy and you have to stick with it. Sometimes I have to use all my will to do something to defy that bloody dragon ie walking away from a situation where I am just about to check something again. First few second extremely hard followed by a bit of distraction and then more distraction until the desire abates. The next time building on this with the thought that I did it then so I can do it again, smiling all the while with a middle finger for the dragon. Finally this practice becomes the norm.

[Mummygems]

OMG, that is so me. I feel like I've just wasted the past few years of my life worrying about all the different cancers that I must have!

I have two young sons and I hate the fact that I won't get that time back with them but I just can't seem to pull myself out of this spiralling whirlwind if emotions and horrible symptoms.

I'm too scared to book anything too far ahead incase something happens (what I don't know).

I too wish to have that spark back again and the energy, get up n go to enjoy life fully with my boys again.

[Gemmal]

As much as I would not wish this on anyone, i find it comforting im not alone! I have tried to keep my mind active at all times in order to stop me going back to negative thoughts!

I keep telling myself TWO YEARS TWO YEARS you do not have cancer. I have lived through three birthdays ( and not enjoying any of them) , if i did have cancer I would probably be referenced as a rare case in those medical books ( i hope? ) lol

[Fishmanpa]

In some ways I can relate to this as my illnesses have affected me so profoundly. Even now, I find it hard to set goals and dreams long term as I truly don't know if I'll be here. My wife talks about buying a home or taking a vacation and I nod in agreement but deep down I know I can't really go there. Some may see it as pessimistic but I view it as realistic in consideration of my health. If it happens great, but I'm just not mentally there.

What I have been able to do is truly live for the moment. Take each day as a blessing and enjoy it the best I can. I don't book gigs or plan anything more than a month in advance at this point. Even when we planned our wedding, I had the "What If's?" due to my health. AND... I ended up having a real scare in March that turned out to be viral but it was pretty hairy for a week or so.

Unlike myself, you have the opportunity to be able to look forward to so many wonderful things in your life. You have it within your power to enjoy today, tomorrow and all your future birthdays. Grab onto that opportunity and don't let go!

Positive thoughts

[Gemmal]

In some ways I can relate to this as my illnesses have affected me so profoundly. Even now, I find it hard to set goals and dreams long term as I truly don't know if I'll be here. My wife talks about buying a home or taking a vacation and I nod in agreement but deep down I know I can't really go there. Some may see it as pessimistic but I view it as realistic in consideration of my health. If it happens great, but I'm just not mentally there.

What I have been able to do is truly live for the moment. Take each day as a blessing and enjoy it the best I can. I don't book gigs or plan anything more than a month in advance at this point. Even when we planned our wedding, I had the "What If's?" due to my health. AND... I ended up having a real scare in March that turned out to be viral but it was pretty hairy for a week or so.

Unlike myself, you have the opportunity to be able to look forward to so many wonderful things in your life. You have it within your power to enjoy today, tomorrow and all your future birthdays. Grab onto that opportunity and don't let go!

Positive thoughts

Hi Fishmanpa ,

Considering you are a survivor i can only relate 0.001% to what your feeling, which really puts it all in perspective for me.

I really admire your strength and attitude considering all you have been through, the fact that you can comfort someone like me ( who must sound frustrating at times) is truly humbling.

I'm going to follow your mantra and take it bit by bit at a time, and hey I really think you will get there one day! if anyone can you can.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts also

Gemma