Hi all, I apologise in advance for the long winded essay!
I just thought I would tell people my story, so that can see that we all feel the seem way when suffering from anxiety and depression, and that hopefully people can see that time is always a great healer.
I started to suffer from anxiety at university, about three years ago exactly, before Christmas. I went clubbing and had taken a lot of ecstacy amongst other things one night, which i did occasionally and suffered an extremely bad panic attack at the end of the night in the trainstation at 6am waiting for the train home. I had been to a big club event at a massive arena in the UK and the train station was full of people who had taken drugs, and you could tell we all looked like a wreck. Needless to say the panic became unbearable. I was okay for a week or so afterwards, but the anxiety came back and persisted for weeks, I just couldn't get rid of it. I attribute this pretty horrendous experience as the trigger to my generalised anxiety - but this made the whole illness that much the worse - as it was my own fault - i brought it on myself for taking the drugs.
The world didn't seem real and I kept thinking I was the subject of something like the "Truman Show". My worst fear was that I was going mad and losing my mind, I had recurring terrible thoughts about hurting or harming people close to me especially my girlfriend that upset me so much - i knew i would never do it, but i felt so guilty for having the thoughts. These thoughts scared the crap out of me and I often couldn't be with her and did things like hiding scissors etc. just in case. I really thought i'd rather be dead, or i should kill myself in case i hurt the person i love the most. One day I watched the film "A Beautiful Mind" which I have to be honest - the subject matter f*cked me up for weeks - I was petrified of losing my mind (Note: DO NOT watch this if you have GA) like the main character did.
I couldn't sleep properly at night, and my uni work was suffering. I went to the doctor who diagnosed me with "drug induced psychosis" brought on by extreme amounts of amphetamines, that i was assured would pass in a few months. This turned out to be a mis-diagnosis, and a few months later having tried self help and just to get through myself, I went to see the University Health Service Doctor, who was amazing. She talked me through what was happening and assured me that I was not alone in the way I felt. Being a GP she couldn't devote too much time to me, but made herself available on the phone if I needed to talk. She truly was amazing and I was very lucky to have her as my doctor. We took a while to try different things such as a stress management class which taught me breathing / relaxation techniques etc, and Beta Blockers. I hated the beta blockers as the side effects were too pronounced, and by this point I had become a raging hypochondriac and was hypersensitive to any little side effects!
I finally decided in March 2004 that I couldn't defeat the anxiety alone, and my doctor slowly put me onto Citalopram, at 10mg a day working up to my maximum dose of 30mg/day. Initially I felt spaced out, which worried the hell out of me with my hypochondria, but the side effects settled, and within a few weeks the constant anxiety subsided, and the attacks became less and less frequent. The hugely distressing thoughts of hurting loved ones subsided, and I forgot about them. I became perfectly fine after a few months and since then have only had the occasional bout of anxiety.
My anxiety only ever seems to come back when I miss a few doses in a row (which i sometimes do, as i became so well that i forgot that i was on the drugs) and then get really drunk on a night out. The next day can often be a nightmare and make you feel straight back to square one. I Have suffered from this this weekend, which has been my first episode of anxiety for months and months, although it was pretty bad - i had the old hurting people thoughts again.
I have recently cut my dose from 30mg to 20mg and missed at le
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