I've had severe depression, generalised anxiety and panic attacks for 4 years. Going on 'The House of Agorophobics' definition of agorophobia- not a fear of going outside or of open spaces necessarily, but the fear of having a panic attack preventing you from living a normal life- it seems like I suffer from that too. I have barely left my home town in months and I have a strong phobia of being too far away from home.
Probably over about the last month I have been feeling like I have been progressing and that my symptoms aren't ebbing and flowing so much with good days and bad days, but more that I have been having a string of good days. I've barely been using rescue remedy, I haven't had any full blown panic attacks in quite a while, I've been feeling more real and I've even felt pretty comfortable driving on faster roads. Physically I don't feel as tense either. However, I do still feel in 'the zone', where stress could fairly easily make me feel anxious again.
I really wanted to write for myself, to be able to look back on my recovery, and for other people to gain some understanding of what it feels like to be getting better. Don't get me wrong, it feels like I'm getting better, although it's by no means a certainty. It feels like I'm slowly unwinding, relaxing, accepting the world and myself, understanding my illness(es) and wanting to get out there and do things!!
It's no coincidence that I've got a great job lined up in the new year, I'm developing as a football coach with formal qualifications (which is a great back up plan) and I no longer have the conflict of a relationship, instead I'm working on friendships. I really have been working really, really hard to get better (going to the gym, volunteering, nurturing friendships, reading self-help books, undergoing cbt and proactively trying to change my thoughts, attitudes and behaviours). It's taken sooooooooo long, but it finally feels like things are paying off for me.
I'm concerned about having a relapse, as I've suffered from depression for most of my life and I've had panic attacks (without knowing what they were). On the positive side, I have so much more understanding of the illness now and I realise the importance of relaxation. I also feel like my career is finally taking off (a major cause of my anxiety and depression), I'm developing friendships/interests and I no longer feel dependent on another person for a relationship to make me feel valid. I'm perfectly happy being single.
Next year, I will be seeing a psychologist for cbt and I'm going to continue to read self-help books, as i really want to feel confident enough to do whatever I want to do, whether it's travelling, new challenges, moving home...whatever, without feeling inhibited and paralysed by fear and anxiety.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
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