My Journal.

[HalfJack]

Oh believe me, I won't be saying anything

I've been facing my fears lately and its been really empowering... afterwards lol. But the anxiety has come back a bit, I'm guessing that's normal though tbh.
It's easy to believe that trying is stupid, that nothing nice will ever happen. But once I got out of that mind set and now I've been facing things head on I'm way better, going to college was the first thing I did too!

I still really really really don't want to go to that group meeting. It's on thursday. I'll let you know how it goes...

[MyNameIsTerry]

Oosh is right HalfJack and you are right that this flare up is likely to be because of the meeting.

If you go on Thursday, it means you can go again. You may find it takes so many of these meetings before you relax more and even then you may get the odd flare up but the important thing is that you do them because it will all have an effect in your subconscious.

It may also help to hear people talking about what you see on here. It can seem more personal and doing it face-to-face with a group of stranger is a lot more difficult than using the forums where you can choose to be quite anonomous.

You did all that travel and went back to your home town not long ago. Think of all those pressures and you did them well...so perhaps you are stronger than you think?

I did talk at my first but I had been through the CBT beforehand and I think I was in a slightly better place. What also helped me was talking to the others in the break over a cuppa. A couple approached me and they said how it had helped them and it went from there. Whilst that can be difficult, it made me feel welcome and it made me appreciate that I may be talking to someone who is further behind me in recover but they approached me and it may have been tricky for them.

It was also useful because there were people in different stages of their recovery. Some were really struggling but some were doing volunteering, some had obtained jobs or changed careers. I could see myself in many of these people and it game me some hope that I could get there as well if they could.

[HalfJack]

Well I didn't go - the place I volunteer needed me to work that day or they'd have to close the shop so I went to volunteer instead.

I was going to go this week but me and my boyfriend had a big bust up, I told him he had to stop taking everything out on me blabla as you can imagine that didn't go well so currently on the verge of homelessness and the dreaded moving back in with my parents.

sorry I've not been online to help anyone, Thanks for all the help guys.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Thats ok HJ, you still did the volunteering and thats important to you. The meetings are weekly anyway and people don't always go each week, they go as they need them as they start to recover so you can dip in & out as things suit you. Sometimes life gets in the way.

As you have said, he suffers from depression and whilst its not an excuse it can be part of it that you have irrational rants and it will always be at the people you love the most because they are the ones we don't have the same boundaries with. You may find that he will be feeling very guilty about things, which I always found happened to me when I let fly!

I had a few rants at my father during those days but thats all gone now because I have worked to get to a better place than that. Perhaps it will be the same for him.

So, maybe this will force a period of reflection and some heart-to-hearts. Did you say he won't see anyone for help? If so, perhaps this could show him that it might help him because he surely doesn't want arguments either, its just too much emotion without the usual controls but he can get that back.

I hope things work out for you eitherway, I'm not defending him, I don't know the circumstances, I just think 2 people together with big challenges are bound to butt heads from time to time and in the heat of the moment things get said that are regretted straight after when people calm down. I remember I just couldn't get past certain things until I had cooled down and then saw them from a more logical perspective but if he needs some help with his issues he really should ask for some or its only going to hurt you.

[Oosh]

Well I didn't go - the place I volunteer needed me to work that day or they'd have to close the shop so I went to volunteer instead.

I was going to go this week but me and my boyfriend had a big bust up, I told him he had to stop taking everything out on me blabla as you can imagine that didn't go well so currently on the verge of homelessness and the dreaded moving back in with my parents.

sorry I've not been online to help anyone, Thanks for all the help guys.

Oh well, the world won't end because you didn't go.

Having things taken out on you proper stinks. Winds me up. My dad was always overly critical so whenever anyone tries to take stuff out on me I don't react very well. It screams of being unfair and I don't have an ounce of it.

Try not to get down. Picture the life you'd like and try and create it.

Sometimes these things can be a blessing in disguise, they can kick you out of a rut you find yourself in and into something you're happier with.

I hope it blows over or you get a positive outcome.

Don't go through it alone, keep talking.

[HalfJack]

No that's all helpful to hear really. I've not known what to think in regards to him. He gets better in some ways and worse in others. It feels like I don't know him. But I also feel like I just need to wait.

But yeah I also need to have a life where I'm not crying everyday or afraid to speak my mind.
Impossible to compromise between the two at the moment. I have a lot to think about!
I feel very overwhelmed. But I'm trying to just take one thing at a time and when it builds up I just day dream about something else.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Does he understand how you feel? Maybe he doesn't hence you need a talk about it or maybe he does and the guilt of making you feel bad just adds to his depression and he doesn't show it.

It does sound like you need to talk and be open about it all. This is an issue on his side as you are clearly very open about things. The trouble is with depression, keeping it all inside is counterproductive and damaging. It comes with the disorder and it can be very hard to understand anything outside of your bubble, just like when we are really anxious for days and snap at people because we are on high alert and don't use our judgement as much.

[HalfJack]

You're completely right. I asked him if he had a problem with our relationship (he didn't) and I think that woke him up a bit. He's been a lot more considerate. The more open I am about how his behaviour makes me feel the better things are, so far at least.

I've not been doing much for my therapy again, but I've been volunteering more than usual to cover holidays and I've applied for a job there too, it's 0 hours contract but I think it would be great for me and I'd get management experience which would help me get jobs in the future so it's a step up for sure.

Pushing myself to be more open with my boyfriend and do more challenging things when I volunteer is pretty god work though. I've got little to no confidence in my own ability at the moment, but the people I work with have a lot of faith in me and its taking me a while to get used to everyone being so nice to me, but I think I can do it and the job being part time and flexible would suit me really well.

My goals for next week:
Apply to the open uni.
Read everyday.
Make a Dr's appointment.
Go on a bike ride.
Volunteer.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Sounds like a good plan HJ. A lot of the charities are full of people who are from backgrounds like ours, Changes openly promote volunteering as it helps charities and gets you back on your feet. A guy I knew from there did exactly what you are doing and ended up being offered a job and he really loved it.

It sounds to me like you BF is just showing the typical issues found in depression...probably couple with some of our male tendencies for taking things for granted! Perhaps you need to have some times where you check in with each other and make sure there are no problems? Perhaps he just doesn't think due to the depression? Been there myself, nothing in the world matters anymore and this is going to make you feel taken for granted. Thats only natural and to be honest, as bad as it sounds, it probably won't even enter his head. Thats just what depression can be like.

Perhaps doing things together that are fun might open him up a bit more so he starts to feel the appreciation he had for you before that has been overtaken by his inward issues?

[HalfJack]

I don't really act like that when I'm depressed, so it's good to hear it from someone who's been on the other side. He probably does just get absorbed by his depression. I think I just need to be brave and tell him how I feel, rather than protect him all the time.

He's suggested a few video games and stuff we can play together, he's been making an effort since we talked, it was a nice talk too no arguing or anything. Pretty much everything we used to do is off the cards till he feels better though, a bit worried that he's not getting the help he needs but I'm sure we will find something or he will just work it out with self help.