I'm Giving Up

[LockedShut]

I'm feeling hopeless again. I'm getting bored of feeling like this. Seems like my health is just generally playing up to spite me.

I'm just so tired. Jaded. What's the point?
Honestly. Why bother? Why bother going to bed when I'd have to go to bed again the next night? Why shower when my hair will only get dirty again? Why bother falling in love when he'll just break my heart like everyone else?

I wish there was a button I could push to just end it all right now. My own personal nuclear arms button. Just push it and my whole person goes up in smoke and all that's left is a happy little crater full of ash.

[Chopper]

Eloise,

You're having a tough time m'dear, but you'll get through it. I know that the light at the end of the tunnel might be an onrushing train, but (usually!) it's not.

Just think, would that crater of ash really be happy? Would everyone that knows and loves you be happy? Would YOU really be happy?

Remember, you're an invaluable, unique, young woman and everything you do impacts upon someone else, you've already impacted my and the other reading member's week just by posting how you feel and we'll all be thinking of you, sending you our best wishes and support.

Now for the fatherly rant! Get your boney arse out of bed, get in the shower, put on some make-up, a nice, girly, outfit and sit in front of the tv with a cup of tea and a packet of chocolate digestives, have some 'me' time and relax DO NOT curl up under the duvet, it's the devil's blanket![}]

Hang in there girl, hang in there, we're all with you.

Happiness and light to all,
'Chopper'

I saw her once, one little while, and then no more:
’Twas Eden’s light on Earth a while, and then no more.
Amid the throng she passed along the meadow-floor:
Spring seemed to smile on Earth awhile, and then no more;
But whence she came, which way she went, what garb she wore
I noted not; I gazed a while, and then no more!

James Clarence Mangan 1803 - 1849

[LockedShut]

Aahh, Chopper! You have this gift of telling me what to do without me needing to read your replies! I've bathed, I'm about to put make-up on, I'm in a skirt, hair tied back like a nice young lady, I have tea! No biscuits though, I gorged on them yesterday!

Thankee honey, I'm like so totally cheered up right now!!
I'm trying to utilise my emotions, turn them into creative energy... I've sketched in charcoal, sung along to Nina Simone and now I'm actually writing my novel. Not just a line or two - I'm on my second page of hurried, scribbled mess!

Love you all,
~ xo

<center>How will it end?</center>

[Chopper]

Bet you're looking HOT![:I] You shouldn't tell an old man with my unique side effect how good you look, down boy!![B)]

You're obviously creative but could I suggest that rather than flit from one activity to another, then another, try and concentrate on just one thing at a time and try to ensure that time is focussed time, don't think about what you're going to do next, just concentrate on the taks in hand at the moment in time.

I love Nina Simone too but if you like her you'll also like Eartha Kitt, growl!!

Happiness and light to all,
'Chopper'

I saw her once, one little while, and then no more:
’Twas Eden’s light on Earth a while, and then no more.
Amid the throng she passed along the meadow-floor:
Spring seemed to smile on Earth awhile, and then no more;
But whence she came, which way she went, what garb she wore
I noted not; I gazed a while, and then no more!

James Clarence Mangan 1803 - 1849

[LockedShut]

Bad, Chopper! Bad!! *blushes*

I'm a woman, multi-tasking is a breeze! In fact, I'm bored of writing... I'm going to go sketch!

Something I sketched the other day... Not bad for a first try! http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y23...t/Candle-1.jpg

And you and your bright ideas, Chopper, I forgot how much of a diuretic tea can be!! Damn yous!!

~ xo

<center>How will it end?</center>

[groovygranny]

What a talented young lady you are Elouise!

D'you know I'm sure I saw that candle flicker - it's alive with you!

Thanks for sharing it!

lotsa luv

GG [:P]

xx

'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'

[Chopper]

Mornin' Eloise,

That candle is in the neck of a wine bottle isn't it? Chardonnay perhaps, or a cheeky little Pino Grigio?

You sound a wee bit more upbeat? Was yesterday an 'up'[^] day or a 'down'[V] day? It sounds very much like a good day to me? I hope today is another, and tomorrrow and I'm sure when there's more of the same you'll realise that you're facing your problems and getting through them.

I don't want to tempt fate but I feel that I'm finally, finally, getting my life back and it's due, in part, a big part, to wonderful, compassionate people like you and GG and the others in here. Keep posting, keep sketching, keep writing and keep going.

Happiness and light to all,
'Chopper'

I saw her once, one little while, and then no more:
’Twas Eden’s light on Earth a while, and then no more.
Amid the throng she passed along the meadow-floor:
Spring seemed to smile on Earth awhile, and then no more;
But whence she came, which way she went, what garb she wore
I noted not; I gazed a while, and then no more!

James Clarence Mangan 1803 - 1849

[LockedShut]

Actually it was in a bottle of Blossom Hill... I can't afford the good stuff!

I'm glad you're on the mend. I'm glad I am too. Everyone I know is having a good day. I opened up my blinds this morning, the sun came pouring in and I thought "wow, it's a lovely day". I never think that about sunny days, happy, optimistic weather. I prefer the rain, the dark and the cold. Scary!

Love you all
~ xo

<center>How will it end?</center>

[LockedShut]

It's pretty much over between me and my *male-friend*. I just don't fancy him. I tried so hard to love him but it wasn't there. And thus, yesterday I broke his heart.

I'm so down. Low. My best friend and I hurt him. I want to hug him, make it all better, but we've agreed that we shouldn't see each other for a while, as seeing leads to lingering feelings and naughty kisses and that doesn't help either of us.

He wants me to get better, I want him to be happy. With someone else. Anyone. Not me. I'm not right. I'm sick.

I told him once that my depression was like cancer. That there is a chance that I will get better, and when I do, when I'm in remission, I'll be able to date. That I'd be ready to date him. I asked him if he'd consider dating a girl with cancer, or would it be better just to support them, care for them. I told him that the likelihood is that I'll never get better. This will always be with me. A grey-ish blue tint over my eyes, slightly distorting my view from everyone elses. I get the feeling he thinks I'm just being poetic.


Sometimes I think my life would be simpler if I didn't know anyone. If I didn't care. From my depression, I've grown this new skill of running the hell away. I tried it once with him before, I knew something was going to happen, and I told him I didn't want to see him again, to protect myself. I ran away. Only now, he's told me that he needs me. That I'm a necessity. I'm his best friend. That's a big thing for me. I don't do best friends. Well, I try to have best friends, but I'm cursed. They all vanish after two years.

I think I shall go back to bed.
~ xo

<center>How will it end?</center>

[groovygranny]

'Ello luvly girl, don't go back to bed just yet!

Nothing wrong with a bottle of Blossy Hill! (I visualise Chopper nodding his head in frantic agreement !!)

You are doing so well, don't let yourself tell you otherwise ok? Do me a big big favour? Do some more of your beautiful sketches please? Doesn't matter if they're a bit 'Gothy' (is that a proper word?) because they'll be a representation of you!

Life is very s****y sometimes and always will be ......but........s**t is a fertiliser and once decomposed it helps to make flowers grow !!

Better go now, GG's getting all philisophical on !!

lotsa luv to you

GG [:P]

xx

'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'