What do you think caused your HA? Your first HA experience? (possibly triggering)

[AthenaFaeyrn]

I have long suspected that in part, my HA has stemmed from three things:

- Spending a lot of time in my childhood visiting my ill and dying grandmother in hospital. I saw so much suffering there. I had nightmares that have stuck with me to this day.

- I almost drowned in a learning swimming pool at School when I was around 8 or 9, and no support was offered to me at all. I was scooped up by a life guard, plopped on the side, and every single person vanished. All of the other students were whisked away, and the teacher (who I saw and heard, very briefly, absolutely frantic with panic when I was struggling underwater), was gone. I was left there to sit in complete isolation for what felt like so, so long, and from then on I never felt the same way again.

- My feelings being brushed under the carpet, and my battles from my early teenage years with poor mental health being shrugged off by my parents.

Since the near-drowning incident, I felt like a veil had come up between me and the real world, like I wasn't really present in it anymore, and at the time I put this down to some issue that must be to do with my eyes - like there must be something wrong with them that is making me feel this way - and I would obsessively check them in the mirror for any sign of deformity or strangeness.

I had nightmares about them falling out and showing huge yellow tumorous growths at the backs, and I would panic during School lessons (though no one knew), and then a few years later I had my first wave of HA in me believing I had Motor Neuron Disease. It was when we first got the computer and internet, and I almost made a phone call to a doctor in America who was some expert on the disease though being as I live in the UK, was too scared to go through with it on account of the phone bill.

When I told my parents - all concerned and showing them this printed piece of paper speaking about MND and this US doctor - I was laughed off. I felt deeply ashamed, and my anxiety only got worse as I wasn't reassured that there was nothing wrong with me, and my mind wasn't put to rest.


What do you think caused your HA? And what was your first experience with it?

[justina]

When I was a child I was a little anxious sometimes, but not more than other kids. Then I was completely normal for nearly 30 years! And then my father died of cancer, he suffered so much and struggled against death for 8 long months and it was absolutely devastating.

Since that I am living in constant fear of cancer :(

[mummato2]

Mine was conditioning by both parents from birth.

My dad had massive health anxiety and a panic disorder (same as me). If he so much as had a tiny symptom he catastrophised "cancer" and would constantly equate everything to cancer.

My mother's parenting style is fear. Everything we asked to do we were told no because *insert action resulting in death*

When I was growing up every symptom caused deep fear of it meaning my death.

I finally realised "normal" thought processes don't do what mine do and I got help from a psychologist.

She helped me realise I am conditioned towards catastrophic thinking and it manifests in many parts of my life but since becoming a mum it is worse in the areas of health and my mortality.

We work on CBT and DBT regularly. The shift is gradual but dramatic once you realise the roots.

[Mrschurchill]

I learned when I was 16 that my granny died of Hodgkins Lymphoma (1984ish), learning she had a huge lump in her neck. From that moment I became OBSESSED with the nodes in my neck convinced I had the same. I fought the Lymphoma battle until I was 24. Since then it's been Brain, Breast, Colon/Bowel, Spleen, Bone and now Ovarian! (what a fun list!) x

[snowflake293]

I have always been fixated on 'illness' and I'm not sure why... I spent a lot of time at the drs as a kid, I think my mom worried about me a lot. I had asthma and bad ears and always seemed to have something up.

Always remember visiting grandparents in hospital too, spent a lot of time doing this.

As I got into my teens I suffered with depression, anxiety, eating disorders and self harm, some drug and alcohol abuse too. I was in a physically and sexually abusive relationship in my late teens/early twenties too which I got out of (thank god)

As I got into early twenties I started fixating on illness more and researching, it was strange though cause I almost 'wanted' something to be wrong if that makes sense? I remember going to A&E several times with only mild stomach cramps being disappointed I didn't have appendicitis. I know that sounds messed up. I just felt like I wanted to be 'looked after' if that makes sense? I guess it was an attention thing although I am very embarrassed to admit that.

I am almost 31 now about around 3 years ago my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent chemo, radiotherapy and surgery etc... She is doing ok now thank god but I also had an uncle only in his 40s die very quickly from cancer which has spread to his brain. During this time I also found a breast lump (benign thank goodness) and had surgery for endometriosis/adhesions. I was also in a long term relationship (7 years) that ended (I ended it) and this is when the real cancer fears kicked in.

Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for all those times I 'wanted' to have something wrong! I feel in such a mess over it, especially bad with it today. I know it is messed up, and trust me I would give ANYTHING not to have this debilitating fear of cancer, illness and death :(

[wnsos]

In 2007 I had pancreatitis due to gallstones and was consistently misdiagnosed to the point where I got blood poisoning, ended up in the hospital and almost died. I think it's definitely the reason for my distrust in the medical professionals. I never really confronted it during therapy and I'm positive I had some PTSD because of it all and just sort of getting back to normal when I got home, sort of pushing it to the back of my mind.

[superjonboy]

One of the first times I really remember thinking about Health was during the BSE scare.

I remember thinking "That could happen to me"

I always thought my anxiety started in 2000 after I stupidly took LSD but I can remember when I was pretty young not liking going into town in the car with my parents as I thought we might have a crash.

I think the experience with LSD definitely triggered my fear of mental health issues.

[Rollo]

Quite a few things I think. Developing Minieres's disease, which makes my life really difficult sometimes.It's horrible and aswell as everthing else It causes alot of Anxiety to an already anxious person! Also becoming a mum- the fear of leaving them.
But sometimes my HA is fine and stable, and then like six months ago my breast changed completly and went very hard- got sent for some tests- came back ok.
Also getting pneumonia has been really bad, the recovery is taking a very long time and on Xmas eve i spoke to the consultant on the phone and he idicated it might be COPD. Needless to say Xmas was very toygh. The tests came back normal- just! Now the think it is a sinus issue- but i don't know. I'm trying to keep it together but it's very difficult at the moment.

[.Poppy.]

When I was 11 years old, I found a lump under my jaw. To me, lump = cancer. But I was young an immature and just panicked about it in private - afraid that if I told anyone it would become more real and that their fear would make mine worse.

From that point on, any weird symptom I had I attributed to the "cancer". When I was 12 I had ringworm, but I'd never had it before and was certain that it was a cancer symptom so, still in the mindset I had before, I didn't tell anyone about that, either.

When I was 15, I woke up one morning with a feeling of dread. My HA got worse and worse from there.

I also had anxiety attacks, mainly when I was a guest at a friend's house or when friends came to visit me. They weren't really health related, but would give me nauseous fits and they were no fun.

While I suffered from HA, I had a wide range of symptoms and 'illnesses'. Anything from MS to ALS to the idea I was going blind or losing my voice, etc.

And finally, when I was 21 I found what I thought was another lump.My HA had been kind of dormant but this spiked it again big time. This entire time, I still had the first lump (it never went away). I decided I needed to bring it up and see the doctor about it - only took me 10 years to do so! The doc wasn't worried; said it was a lymph node that just hadn't ever gone down. Did a few tests, nothing was serious, and I left the doctor's office feeling freer. It was like all my fears were disproved and I could just move on. And, for the most part, I did. I still have troubles with GAD, but not really HA anymore which is a huge relief