Life problems: Progress diary

[NoPoet]

Hi all,

I don't really know what forum to put this in as it relates to real-world problems. This is probably going to turn into a progress diary if anyone's interested!

There are several issues affecting my quality of life and stopping me from moving on. I'll deal with them one at a time over the coming weeks. Let's start with the main thing.

I was in a short-lived relationship which was really intense and I struggled with the attention. She told me she loved me within the first week. We split up by mutual agreement because I could not cope with her life, due to the constant illness and emergencies within her family. At first, I was relieved to have my life back, but I became extremely lonely and some of my self-worth problems came back with a vengeance; the world quite simply doesn't want to know about single men!

I have since found out that she is dating her neighbour, who clearly had a thing for her, but she described him as a "weird" "trainspotter" who she barely noticed. She says she recently realised that she's had strong feelings for him for years.

EDIT: During the first days or weeks (am not sure how long) of our relationship, this girl was still constantly logged into POF (Plenty of Fish, a dating site). I don't think she was replying to messages although she may have been reading them. She got several messages a day. She was always using her phone, so I could see the notifications at the top of her screen, and she left her phone unattended all the time (I only sneaked a look once). It wasn't a big deal to her so there was probably nothing going on, it just seems a bit of a mickey-take with hindsight. She was also on another dating site because she actually told me about a message she received from another girl, who was trying to trick her into paying for the dating site (this was several weeks into our relationship).

I can't begin to describe how I feel. There's a crazy inner tension that I recognise as ADHD and anxiety. I'm jealous, I'm furious, I'm lonely, I'm betrayed, I'm happy for her, I'm relieved someone has taken that burden away forever. My heart pounds, my nerves burn, my stomach feels like I sent it up on a space shuttle, and I feel like the most inadequate man on the surface of the Earth.

I have tried online dating again, even though I KNOW I'm not ready for it. Online dating is demoralising and I don't know why I subject myself to it.

I need to sort myself out first: lose some weight, get some nicer clothes, get private physio for my arthritis, overcome my impulsive behaviour, face my inner demons.

I don't know where I am going with this. I just need to get it out of me and get feedback from anyone who wants to say anything at all.

[NoPoet]

Here we go, first update.

I created a fake female profile on Plenty of Fish that's had 70 messages and 330 "meet me" requests in 18 hours. Almost none of these were weird or sexual (probably 3%) and none were offensive or crude. In fairness the fake picture I used was a lot prettier than I wanted but it was the only one I could get that wasn't a celebrity somewhere in the world.

EDIT: The profile had little to no information and just one (very good) picture. Only about three messages mentioned that the profile was almost blank, and several men said I sounded fun or interesting, even though all I put is "I don't do one night stands".

By contrast, I find it barely possible to have any kind of conversation with a woman on POF. Not only do they not reply to messages, probably due to the amount they get, but I think women are as likely as men to be on there for dodgy purposes, most likely a confidence boost with people telling them how attractive they are. When women message me, the conversation is unlikely to last more than 24 hours or 2-3 messages before they simply stop replying.

Now either I am doing something horrendous, which I don't believe, because I am not insulting or rude and don't go on about myself and do not mention my problems, or they are wasting my time. For the average man, I have actually been quite successful on POF and it's my adhd and anxiety that have prevented me from having a long term relationship, the anxiety has definitely stopped me meeting women in real life and the aspergers has stopped me from noticing signals (there's little point in being subtle or sneaky around an aspie, we will never notice).

I was right to begin with: forget online dating, it's a horror show that will grind men down. Focus on self-improvement and then, when I am ready, I'll meet someone in real life without using a dating site.

[NoPoet]

This has been a tough week, but this is a far more positive post than the last one.

I've almost given up on online dating and no longer view it as important. There is little point comparing myself to a beautiful 20-year-old female model! I have proven to myself that I am more interested in knowing a person and building a loving relationship than pursuing them for sex, and I now know how shallow online dating can be (for both genders). I am not ashamed to be single and I do not need someone to complete me. Real-life dating is totally different to online and far more rewarding.

I am starting to understand that my craving for affection and attention is a quick remedy for my low self-worth. I need to repair this as a priority, then I won't make any more stupid relationship decisions. While I might not get a lot of overt attention (or wouldn't notice if I do), and I have not had tons of girlfriends, most of my relationships were deep, intense and loving, and I realise how incredibly rare it can be to have ONE relationship like this. I've had two like it in the last six months.

I have spoken to my ex about several things that were causing a blockage in my recovery. Now we have cleared this blockage by sorting things out, I feel calmer, less down on myself, and more grateful towards her for the time we had together. It's confirmed that I should not get back with her because I cannot handle her life and this in itself was worth it.

My blood pressure has been up this week and my friend Amy has accused me of "having a mid-life crisis", which is basically true. My blood pressure has decreased towards somewhat normal, and I have realised that this has been an unusually severe blip, the kind I haven't had for a while - which in itself shows my progress.

It's been the week from hell, but it has taught me several very important lessons that, if remembered and used, could put me back on the path to total recovery.

[Oosh]

Isn't there anywhere online where you can mingle with females which adhd ?
Maybe you could relate better.

I knew a girl once with a bf with adhd and she said it made him fun company.

A lot can depend on dating sites too. I dated online and the sites were very different. If the environment on there doesn't suit you try others until things feel better suited.

[NoPoet]

Hi Oosh. I went on a date with a girl who had ADHD and I was worn out by the end of it. What I need to do is get myself into balance before I start looking for a girlfriend. At that point I will try to meet someone in real life. The hard part is going to be learning how to pick up signals, and noticing when someone is showing romantic interest in me, as I suck at both these things.

My blood pressure has come down to "high normal" from "moderate hypertension". I have learned a few very important things about myself, my illness and my place in the world. I no longer feel "broken" - I actually feel more normal than I ever have, like there is less of a gulf between me and other people. I am starting to feel like part of the world. And my confidence has received a couple of boosts. I feel like I am dealing with my friends as equals now - I am better at talking to them, understanding them and appreciating them. I am not their pet monkey!

At this point though, the war goes on. I have directly confronted my anxiety, but it is too strong and too dug-in to shift with a frontal assault. I can't get in touch with my therapist, but while this means the blip has lasted longer and taken more of a toll, I am being forced to figure things out on my own and I have made good progress.

Things seem to be slowly, gradually, getting better.

[blue moon]

Good for you PP,we have to rely on ourselves sometimes,you should be proud of yourself.

Petra x

[NoPoet]

Hi Blue Moon, thank you

Progress continues. My anxiety level is still high, but I have *hopefully* come through the worst, as I am dealing with the intrusive thoughts better, and now my mood isn't changing so rapidly. I recognise the worst moods as connected to anxiety which helps to make sense of them and move on from them. I'd say I've come down from 9-10 out of 10 to 6 out of 10.

I have made my peace with my ex and am starting to move on. I've got a date this weekend, but not just with anyone - I never go out with anyone normal. My date is fiercely intelligent, she originally comes from Croatia and I think she's an aspie, based on the way she talks. She used to be a model, so that is intimidating but awesome at the same time. We connected almost straight away.

In other news, I seem to have stepped up in popularity with my friends and people are starting to rely on me for support. My existing friendships seem to be getting deeper and more comfortable to me.

Finally, I was told at work that I earned some degree of respect from the management over something I was doing recently, and when an opportunity comes for me to move up, I "wouldn't be laughed out of the room" if I went for it. I was also told why I haven't been moved up permanently before now so that I can fix the problem.

It feels so good to have come through this blip, this was one of the worst, but it taught me a hell of a lot.

[NoPoet]

The problem with keeping a progress diary is that I've always got too much to write.

The girl I am supposed to be meeting has stopped messaging me. I am guessing she has met someone else. Our date isn't until tomorrow. If it doesn't happen, I am pulling the plug on internet dating. I am fuming about this because I trusted her.

Next, a girl who previously stopped messaging me on POF, suddenly replied with messages saying she wanted naked spanking!

It turns out she stopped replying to me because she'd got a date, but he didn't text her afterward, so I guess I was intended to be sloppy seconds. I took great satisfaction in telling her to bike it.

At work, I sidestepped a very big bullet when a female manager took the *minimum* possible action against me in a disciplinary. I was half-expecting to get sacked. It turns out she liked my honesty, and I was clearly acting to defend a customer from fraud. This might lead to advancement in future as I have been told I'm definitely on the management's radar (mainly in a good way). My colleague said that only I could go in for a disciplinary and come out with a promotion.

So while most of my problems are female-related, there are other women pulling my arse out of the fire at the 11th hour. It's good to finally feel that someone out there is covering my back.

But I'm not used to dealing with life (or women) on equal terms. I am used to thinking of myself as disabled, different. I am being treated as though I am part of the world. And surely that is the goal of everyone who's been cut off because of anxiety?

[NoPoet]

So, for anyone who is interested, we've got another update.

While this blip has been long and caused a lot of stress, I have actually improved my self-confidence and I have begun to handle people differently - more confidently and assertively. I *feel* different, even when I'm anxious, like my strength is coming back.

I have realised that my intrusive thoughts "flash" quite frequently, way more than I thought, and they revolve around just one or two subjects. They only tend to occur during times of great stress, e.g. a blip. The thoughts and the anxiety reinforce one another.

I went out with friends from work last night. It was one of the only times on a night out that I've actually thought I looked good. I dragged my friend Andy along as he is also lonely and way more socially awkward than myself. He didn't enjoy it that much due to his shyness but it was a valuable experience for us both and I think he will go again next time. I noticed several girls who kept looking at me and I am pretty sure one of them stroked my arm on the dancefloor, but I am not ready for this yet and didn't speak to any of them. I also helped a girl after I found her lying on the floor in the car park (so drunk she fell over).

My irritatingly obnoxious doctor found a different me in his waiting room: I refused to be bullied or bulldozed, told him exactly what I wanted and made sure everything I wanted to know was addressed. He measured my blood pressure and said it was normal - the high readings are stress and anxiety - and began to chase up my medication/mental health appointment while I was there.

Finally, I keep saying I am quitting POF, but like I said, I feel differently now. I've started getting attention on there and people are replying to messages. My attitude is "if they like me they'll reply, if they don't then **** 'em". I am being more open, honest and forward, and people seem to be responding to it.

---------- Post added at 18:22 ---------- Previous post was at 15:03 ----------

Captain's log, supplemental.

I am starting to encounter the "limits" of my anxiety - I am recognising where exactly the anxiety is stopping me from recovering and/or moving on with my life. I can see which parts of me are unaffected. I am beginning to understand the size and shape of the problem. In short, I am aware of the anxiety now, it isn't just raging while I hide away not knowing what's going on.

I am coming to understand that all of my problems - including the intrusive thoughts - are caused by a kind of overwhelming, innate anxiety that clouds my mind and my senses, and causes me to clam up and withdraw from things.

Because I can see the problem, I can see the solution. I 100% believe that I need medical intervention (the correct medication) to help get me onto a level because my anxiety is too severe to beat without it. Once the medication has started to ease the anxiety, I can use therapy and self-help to gradually make improvements to myself and my life, and eventually recover from the anxiety altogether.

Then I'll have the complete package: I'll have built up my confidence, self esteem and self worth, I'll hopefully be fitter and healthier, I'll look for positive outcomes more often, and (according to my therapist) my brain itself will recover and develop, which it hasn't been able to do due to impairment caused by anxiety and ADHD. Without the anxiety making me want to retreat, I might actually be able to make something of myself!

[NoPoet]

Some of the anxiety has dissipated and I am seeing signs that I am coming out of my brooding/obsessional/mid-life crisis phase.

I have finally pinned my therapist down for a phone call tonight. I intend to have several therapy sessions aimed at dealing with my intrusive thoughts and my over-reaction to stress and anxiety. I've noticed that grey skies and bad weather have a severe impact on my mood and therefore my anxiety so I will be discussing this with her too.

I am starting to put the online dating thing behind me at last!

I'm making a formal complaint about the NHS and have sought legal advice, as I should have been on treatment a year ago that could have helped me get further in life than I currently am and I have suffered significant distress, including the breakdown of two relationships, due to anxiety that should have been treated from early 2014.

So it's all progress here.