Darkness in me :(

[crystal17]

Please can someone tell me if severe depression can make you feel like your soul is dark and like the world is dark too? I can barely function :(

Having horrible thoughts...can anyone describe how their depression actually makes them feel?.....i have cried on and off all day which doesnt happen normally

I want to scream but have nowhere for it to go, can't believe how grey the world feels.

[little.miss.worry]

Please can someone tell me if severe depression can make you feel like your soul is dark and like the world is dark too? I can barely function :(

Having horrible thoughts...can anyone describe how their depression actually makes them feel?.....i have cried on and off all day which doesnt happen normally

I want to scream but have nowhere for it to go, can't believe how grey the world feels.

From my experience, I often feel like I have a dark soul. I know what you mean by it, but it's so hard to explain. You often feel like a bad person when you're not and you can feel so lonely. I often get horrible thoughts too. On a daily basis, I cry all of the time and feel like no one truly understands me. That's the thing with depression, it makes you feel like it's eating away at you, from the inside out :( It's truly horrible. But just know, you're honestly not alone!

[crystal17]

Hey, thank you so much for replying it means a lot..so sorry you cry like that, and don't feel understood :( I think maybe no one truly understands anyone, if we can understand ourselves that is a miracle in itself.

Yeah I do feel I am a bad person through and through and no good in the world, although I realise I'm not significant on a universal basis (with so many people literally IN the world), I do feel perhaps its horrible for the people I know to have to suffer me being around and maybe shouldn't have been born, things like that :/

And that totally makes sense, it eating away at you yes I feel like that all the time. Its annoying as people have said that I can't possibly be depressed because if I'm around them socially I hide it and can seem ok most of the time, but they don't know what goes on when I'm alone and how absolutely horrendous things feel.

I hope you can find some way through all of this, thanks and big hugs x

[xvolatileheart]

I know how you feel.

People think I'm okay too because I hide it very well. But in my deepest depression, I felt there was nothing good or happy in the world or in myself. Sometimes it felt like the walls of my mind were closing in and going to suffocate me, like claustrophobia in my head. It truly felt like a black cloud hanging over not only me but the whole world. It's impossible to fully explain to someone who hasn't experienced it.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this. Please speak to your GP or someone who can help you get through this difficult time.

[crystal17]

Hi, yeah I'm on a waiting list for a specific type of counselling, been about 10-11 weeks now so really hoping it will be soon.

Claustrophobia in your head - yep I know that feeling well! And so true about it not just being over yourself but the whole world. I look at others and wonder what on earth they have to be so happy about when the world is such a paradox, it all ends, even the happy times can't be enjoyed because they end at some point.

Anyway I'm over thinking maybe, sorry you've been through this horrible experience too and thanks so much for replying x

[theharvestmouse]

I have always felt I had something in me that was going to lead to problems. Even as a child I think there was a seed in my mind already waiting to grow given a chance. I do believe that it is party genetic but also partly learned behaviour. But then one follows the other in my opinion. However I do believe that if my problems had been addressed a lot sooner then it could have changed my path. However I was in a family that just didn't discuss anything. Again I believe this made things worse.

I didn't used to have the thoughts I do, and I don't get them all the time, sometimes when I'm out in a beautiful place I think that I am blessed to just be alive. But it's 'everyday life' I struggle with and then things look very dark, intense loneliness also, feeling like I'm on the outside looking in at everyone else who live normally.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I found it to be complete dullness, nothing mattered, there was no point doing anything or trying anything as I wasn't bothered or interested anymore. I tend to have this struggle when I'm very tired but thesedays its much easier and I can cope better with it...its the anxiety that I have more issues addressing.

Do you get much exercise? This can help with this.

Omega 3 is something I have also found useful. I started it mid last year and it has done more for my mood swings that Duloxetine has (in fact I think Duloxetine is the cause!). I read some studies after reading threads on here. It was either 1000mg+ per day of EPA or DHA (I can never remember which) so I get about 800mg+ of each in a supplement.

Have a look at Oosh's "Fish Oil" thread which has a lot of information on as he has done a load of research into this.

[youdontknowme]

When I get depressed I feel like a dark person. I have very macabre, dank thoughts. The whole world feels like a cold, rotting cellar. It's like everyone else has this brightness and worthiness in them that I don't have.
Remember, this isn't who you are. You aren't depression, but you do struggle with it.
You're never alone

[crystal17]

Thanks so much for replying x

@theharvestmouse, I know what you're saying about the 'everyday life' things - yes these can be unbearable to cope with, especially repeated over and over again. Sorry you have struggled too.

Hi Terry, good to hear from you I hope you're ok...yep anxiety is just horrendous to cope with. I'll have a look into fish oil, will try anything however the problem is IN ME and can't be fixed, I am just not programmed to be happy or confident or any of the things people should be - I have 'gone wrong' somewhere, like in my brain or something. I do try to exercise but not enough I just can't find the motivation :(

Thank you youdontknowme, it means a lot that you replied, especially tonight as I'm having a really weird time, sitting and crying silently so my son doesn't hear me, I feel I would be better not here but would never do anything about it, but that doesn't stop horrible thoughts being there

I feel nothing compared to other people, they are all so much better looking, more motivated, nicer, wiser....everything I am not. I just despise my every strand of DNA :( :( :(

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Crystal,

Yes, I'm ok thanks, ups & downs as usual but no real setbacks.

I think the problem can be fixed, it just seems hopeless when you are a bad stage. My dad had depression in his thirties and spent 2 years on meds. Now he is 40+ years older and has be recovered since those 2 years ended. He's had a good life that he has been happy with and accept where he is now.

When we feel like this everything seems worthless and especially ourselves. You've also had a real tough time in the last year and its going to take time to work past that.

Did you get any support? Are you having any therapy now?

I know motivation is very hard when you feel so tired and everything seems pointless. They use Behavioural Activation to treat this in CBT which is just a fancy word for "do more stuff and especially things you enjoy". At first enjoyment is an alien concept because you feel apathetic towards everything.

Start with some small tasks to get you up and get you moving. Plan a few things in each day, small and quick and then keep building on it. Over time you start adding in things that could make you feel interested in things again and see where it takes you. Being around other people can be a big help with all this too such as support groups, clubs/societies, courses, etc.