i haven't posted in a few days although I really didn't feel like it.My mind seems to be scattered to the winds and half the time Im not really sure of what im saying.I started believing for awhile I would go back to being half way normal but for the last few days I wake and it takes hours for me not to feel spacey .I sleep but when I sleep it seems that during the sleep maybe the way I sleep makes me feel exhausted. I wake and feel so tired and sleepy that I want to just go back to sleep.I hear my heartbeat in my ears and seems that it never sounds right like it could stop at anytime.Last night I wasn't feeling well and the later it got the more I felt like my whole body was winding down.Its the only way I know how to explain it.Maybe I lay around too much during the daytime so it makes me tired at night.I get up and try to do things around the house anything to take my mind off of what im feeling but then if I lay down I become acutely aware of my heartbeat and just don't feel good.Today I didnt want to wake but i did and got up and felt ok for a little while.I always worry about if my pulse is ok even when im up.I laid back down to look at the computer for awhile and im so exhaused and my heart feels tired and I feel like I could go back to sleep.Its very cold outside and maybe im just feeling the affects indoors .. My breathing doesn't feel normal although im not out of breath just feels weird .I went to the bathroom and my heart skipped several times and I have checked it and it seems as though its beating about normal..I don't ever know anymore.Im just so tired I don't want to think anymore I just want to sleep.I have been getting weird pains here and there all over my body like someone pinching me..I guess this could be just age or maybe arthritus or stress or something.But feeling like I just want to go to sleep makes me worry .. It could be the cold weather.Its a sunny day but very cold outside.I looked at my face in the mirror and there are so many age spots all over it..My veins under my eyes are sticking out and I look like walking death.This worries me because i don't look healthy at all .Maybe its because I didn't take a shower today .The other day I got the weird lightning bolt things in eyes that just appear and last 15 minutes or so at the time and they flicker.. doesn't matter if I close my eyes or not they are there.This has only happened three times in my life..It makes me think that im having a stroke but I ask the doctor about it one time and he said it was what they call and optical migraine except I don't get the pain..Its weird and always scares me..To tell you the truth i feel as though im dying and don't know why I worry ..my worries would be over if I did.. Why am I so scared then..I just don't know whats wrong with me and whats normal and what isn't but well I have been to the doctors and they say nothing but that was months ago..I wish this would all go away ..im at my breaking poing and so tired of it all and scared.. Not only am i afraid im sick im also starting to wonder if my brain is working correctly and that my mind is all here . Just sick of it al .. Sorry to complain but there is nobody I can tell or talk to here that cares..so this is the only way I can express how i feel ..thanks for listening..

PRAYER FOR FREEDOM FROM SUFFERING

May all beings everywhere plagued
with sufferings of body and mind
quickly be freed from their illnesses.
May those frightened cease to be afraid,
and may those bound be free.
May the powerless find power,
and may people think of befriending each other.
May those who find themselves in trackless, fearful wilderness--
the children, the aged, the unprotected--
be guarded by beneficent celestials,
and may they swiftly attain Buddhahood.