Hi everyone. I'm having a really bad day so I thought that I would come on here and ask for some help. I feel so down and helpless today. I have had a bad flu so that's made me feel even worse. Let me get started.... I've suffered terribly with severe obsessive repetitive mind chatter and intrusive thoughts, these are mostly based on fears and lead to depression and anxiety. I feel so trapped. I was on prozac for a while which I am convinced nearly drove me crazy but thankfully I come off them just in time. I have been on 100mg zoloft for a while now but I am going up to 150mg. I've always wanted anxiety medication like xanax to slow my mind down but my doctor gives me anti depressants. I had an assessment, the woman said that I do not have depression, OCD, bipolar and anxiety, she said that I have obsessive thoughts what does run on my mums side. The zoloft thankfully has stopped my panic attacks what I am thankful for!
I just want to explain my thoughts and see if anyone else gets it. I feel like my mind is constantly talking to itself over and over, I call it obsessive repetitive mind chatter, also, I feel like God can hear my thoughts, I feel like a prisoner in my mind, I feel like I am torturing myself with thoughts. I can't stop them. I've tried herbal remedies, lithium, meditation, yoga, but nothing helps. I think that I have let them get out of control. They are not about hurting myself or anybody else, they are, quite frankly, stupid. And I do little tests, I will say well if that thought was real then this will happen, and it never does, but it's like I can't stop, it's TORTURE! I feel like I would pay any price to have a clear, relaxed mind. I've gotten into this habit where my "mind chatter" will say God forbid that, if I'm thinking of something that I don't want and associate the word "that" with whatever I am thinking about at the time, sometimes my thoughts will go fast and the words/ thoughts/ mind chatter will mix up and get all jumbled up and then I will think that I mixed up the word/thoughts/mind chatter and panic and then think because of my thought/mind chatter getting muddled and jumbled up that something bad will happen, and then my intrusive thoughts will come into play and I will think that I am asking for what I don't want to happen and then it feels so real and scary and then I think I will lose myself, go crazy, go to a mental hospital and get electric shock therapy, become insane or die. It's like my mind is going 100mph and I have to keep repeating actually I do not want that to happen until I feel like God knows that I do not want that to happen. Also, sometimes, I will have a thought, for example, if the traffic light changes to green in this amount of time then something bad will happen or if you don't do this before that happens then this will happen, it's so messed up, I don't even understand it and then I get terrified and scared and panic. I have bad thoughts about illness, murders, family members, losing my identity and turning into another person that I do not want to turn into, whatever I'm scared of at the time is what I obsess over.
Example of my thoughts:
"Even though I said it about that but I didn't say it about that and it didn't happen then still forbid that" then my thoughts make me tired and if I forget to correct my mind chatter I feel like something bad will happen. It's so crazy and now I have associated certain words with things. for example, this, that, her, him are phrases that my thoughts use referring to what I am scared of at the time. My thoughts race so much that they confuse me. Another example, my thought will say "if you don't complete the level on this game then this will happen" and "If you step on this curb on the street then you will die" and if I accidentally step on it, I PANIC! then I will say even though I touched that, still forbid that and another example, even though I did that before that, still forbid that. "Even though I did that, still forbid that", If I forget to "say" it, I will think that something will happen. So annoying :(
Sometimes I think that things are a sign and then I panic, like if I watch a show and then they mention cancer I will think that because they mentioned that does that mean something then I get scared.
I am on the list for CBT but I have to wait. I have lots of self help books but I find it hard to concentrate.
I wish I could pray but my mind is SO packed that I get scared if I pray and have a bad thought that God will think I'm asking for something bad that I don't want to happen, I was happiest when I didn't have these religious thoughts but to be truthful, it's made me bitter against religion. I am scared of the word "God" in case I say it and then if I read something bad, that he will think I prayed for it when I didn't. If that makes sense.
This is interring with my life, I eat my emotions, I can't read self help books because I cannot concentrate, I don't work, I don't have a partner, I can't relax, I feel like I am always in my mind. Does anyone have any tips? And does anybody else relate to this because hearing from people who understand makes me feel better. My mum and aunt have this but they work and have kids so they can manage it better, I have started going to the gym and it has helped a bit.
I NEED TO BREAK THIS VICIOUS CYCLE.
Sorry if this is long. This was a big deal for me to post this because I'm embarrassed and I feel like I'm a retard for having these thoughts, I actually remember when they started, I had a panic attack when I went to Spain about 6-7 years ago, we stayed on the top of a mountain, we were so high up that my ears popped and I had my first panic attack. I prayed basically the whole time we were there, well I didn't pray out loud, my thoughts/ mind chatter was asking God for us to get home safe and we did, so that started the obsessive religious mind chatter and then I started to get intrusive thoughts where my thoughts would feel like I am asking for something I do not want, my mind goes fast, I get worried. Also, when I thought I was saying "God forbid that" I sometimes thought my mind chatter was saying "Not forbid that" so that's why I try and say Forbid that in case God thinks I'm saying not forbid that when I'm saying God forbid that. If that makes any sense. I need to take control of myself and my mind but I don't know how to.
Man, I'm messed up. You know what the weird thing is, I'm not even religious! I grew up Catholic but I don't even consider myself religious.
I'm a good looking girl, I'm also smart, I love studying and I'm capable of a lot but I feel wasted due to my mental issues..... what should I do?! Silence scares me because my thoughts race even more, therefore I find it hard to meditate
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