Feeling so down, obsessive mind chatter is controlling my life

[KelseyK92]

Hi everyone. I'm having a really bad day so I thought that I would come on here and ask for some help. I feel so down and helpless today. I have had a bad flu so that's made me feel even worse. Let me get started.... I've suffered terribly with severe obsessive repetitive mind chatter and intrusive thoughts, these are mostly based on fears and lead to depression and anxiety. I feel so trapped. I was on prozac for a while which I am convinced nearly drove me crazy but thankfully I come off them just in time. I have been on 100mg zoloft for a while now but I am going up to 150mg. I've always wanted anxiety medication like xanax to slow my mind down but my doctor gives me anti depressants. I had an assessment, the woman said that I do not have depression, OCD, bipolar and anxiety, she said that I have obsessive thoughts what does run on my mums side. The zoloft thankfully has stopped my panic attacks what I am thankful for!

I just want to explain my thoughts and see if anyone else gets it. I feel like my mind is constantly talking to itself over and over, I call it obsessive repetitive mind chatter, also, I feel like God can hear my thoughts, I feel like a prisoner in my mind, I feel like I am torturing myself with thoughts. I can't stop them. I've tried herbal remedies, lithium, meditation, yoga, but nothing helps. I think that I have let them get out of control. They are not about hurting myself or anybody else, they are, quite frankly, stupid. And I do little tests, I will say well if that thought was real then this will happen, and it never does, but it's like I can't stop, it's TORTURE! I feel like I would pay any price to have a clear, relaxed mind. I've gotten into this habit where my "mind chatter" will say God forbid that, if I'm thinking of something that I don't want and associate the word "that" with whatever I am thinking about at the time, sometimes my thoughts will go fast and the words/ thoughts/ mind chatter will mix up and get all jumbled up and then I will think that I mixed up the word/thoughts/mind chatter and panic and then think because of my thought/mind chatter getting muddled and jumbled up that something bad will happen, and then my intrusive thoughts will come into play and I will think that I am asking for what I don't want to happen and then it feels so real and scary and then I think I will lose myself, go crazy, go to a mental hospital and get electric shock therapy, become insane or die. It's like my mind is going 100mph and I have to keep repeating actually I do not want that to happen until I feel like God knows that I do not want that to happen. Also, sometimes, I will have a thought, for example, if the traffic light changes to green in this amount of time then something bad will happen or if you don't do this before that happens then this will happen, it's so messed up, I don't even understand it and then I get terrified and scared and panic. I have bad thoughts about illness, murders, family members, losing my identity and turning into another person that I do not want to turn into, whatever I'm scared of at the time is what I obsess over.

Example of my thoughts:
"Even though I said it about that but I didn't say it about that and it didn't happen then still forbid that" then my thoughts make me tired and if I forget to correct my mind chatter I feel like something bad will happen. It's so crazy and now I have associated certain words with things. for example, this, that, her, him are phrases that my thoughts use referring to what I am scared of at the time. My thoughts race so much that they confuse me. Another example, my thought will say "if you don't complete the level on this game then this will happen" and "If you step on this curb on the street then you will die" and if I accidentally step on it, I PANIC! then I will say even though I touched that, still forbid that and another example, even though I did that before that, still forbid that. "Even though I did that, still forbid that", If I forget to "say" it, I will think that something will happen. So annoying :(

Sometimes I think that things are a sign and then I panic, like if I watch a show and then they mention cancer I will think that because they mentioned that does that mean something then I get scared.

I am on the list for CBT but I have to wait. I have lots of self help books but I find it hard to concentrate.

I wish I could pray but my mind is SO packed that I get scared if I pray and have a bad thought that God will think I'm asking for something bad that I don't want to happen, I was happiest when I didn't have these religious thoughts but to be truthful, it's made me bitter against religion. I am scared of the word "God" in case I say it and then if I read something bad, that he will think I prayed for it when I didn't. If that makes sense.

This is interring with my life, I eat my emotions, I can't read self help books because I cannot concentrate, I don't work, I don't have a partner, I can't relax, I feel like I am always in my mind. Does anyone have any tips? And does anybody else relate to this because hearing from people who understand makes me feel better. My mum and aunt have this but they work and have kids so they can manage it better, I have started going to the gym and it has helped a bit.

I NEED TO BREAK THIS VICIOUS CYCLE.

Sorry if this is long. This was a big deal for me to post this because I'm embarrassed and I feel like I'm a retard for having these thoughts, I actually remember when they started, I had a panic attack when I went to Spain about 6-7 years ago, we stayed on the top of a mountain, we were so high up that my ears popped and I had my first panic attack. I prayed basically the whole time we were there, well I didn't pray out loud, my thoughts/ mind chatter was asking God for us to get home safe and we did, so that started the obsessive religious mind chatter and then I started to get intrusive thoughts where my thoughts would feel like I am asking for something I do not want, my mind goes fast, I get worried. Also, when I thought I was saying "God forbid that" I sometimes thought my mind chatter was saying "Not forbid that" so that's why I try and say Forbid that in case God thinks I'm saying not forbid that when I'm saying God forbid that. If that makes any sense. I need to take control of myself and my mind but I don't know how to.

Man, I'm messed up. You know what the weird thing is, I'm not even religious! I grew up Catholic but I don't even consider myself religious.

I'm a good looking girl, I'm also smart, I love studying and I'm capable of a lot but I feel wasted due to my mental issues..... what should I do?! Silence scares me because my thoughts race even more, therefore I find it hard to meditate

[jayb1]

Kelseyk I can't imagine what you're going through it sounds horrendous . Does your gp know the severity of what you're dealing with? It sounds that you find it hard to concentrate but would it be possible for you to write down all these thoughts and go back to your doctor and show it to him\her . My gp kept badgering the mental health team to get me the quickest appointment because he knew how badly I was suffering. I hope you get some help soon so your brain can have a rest , it must be exhausting. Sending you a hug

[KelseyK92]

It's very tiring! :( I have been to a few assessments, they all say that I'm normal but bored. I have been out of school since I was 14 and I don't work, they say that I need to occupy my mind. I just want to slow my mind down, once I do that, then I can concentrate on getting a job!

Thank you for your message!

I know for a fact this started when I went to Spain, it's like my brain went into panic mode. It comforts me knowing that it runs in the family because as a hypochondriac I will feel like something is wrong with me!

---------- Post added at 13:09 ---------- Previous post was at 13:07 ----------

Kelseyk I can't imagine what you're going through it sounds horrendous . Does your gp know the severity of what you're dealing with? It sounds that you find it hard to concentrate but would it be possible for you to write down all these thoughts and go back to your doctor and show it to him\her . My gp kept badgering the mental health team to get me the quickest appointment because he knew how badly I was suffering. I hope you get some help soon so your brain can have a rest , it must be exhausting. Sending you a hug

I was thinking of showing this post to my doctor because in this post I described my erratic thoughts quite well. What do you think?

[jayb1]

Yes definitely if you can print it off it would be an ideal example of your struggle. How anyone thinks you could get a job and concentrate on it while you're liked this must be puddled !

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Kelsey,

Firstly, I would agree that printing your post and showing your GP would be a very good idea.

Who has assessed you? I ask because it's clear they have little understanding of OCD to claim you are not showing signs of it. For instance, this statement is very clearly showing a form called Magical Thinking:

Example of my thoughts:
"Even though I said it about that but I didn't say it about that and it didn't happen then still forbid that" then my thoughts make me tired and if I forget to correct my mind chatter I feel like something bad will happen. It's so crazy and now I have associated certain words with things. for example, this, that, her, him are phrases that my thoughts use referring to what I am scared of at the time. My thoughts race so much that they confuse me. Another example, my thought will say "if you don't complete the level on this game then this will happen" and "If you step on this curb on the street then you will die" and if I accidentally step on it, I PANIC! then I will say even though I touched that, still forbid that and another example, even though I did that before that, still forbid that. "Even though I did that, still forbid that", If I forget to "say" it, I will think that something will happen. So annoying :(

I know because I have it and if the lady who assessed read any OCD charities website, or any medical professional, she would see it explained and how what you have said matches it.

For instance, this is what OCD UK say:

http://www.ocduk.org/types-ocd

Magical Thinking Intrusive Thoughts - is the fear is that even thinking about something bad will make it more likely to happen - sometimes also called ‘thought-action fusion’.
Sufferers are beset by intrusive bad thoughts. They try to dispel them by performing rituals - magic rituals, in effect - that are often bizarre and time-consuming and involve linking actions or events that could not possibly be related to each other. For example having the thought 'I may strangle someone' is regarded as being as reprehensible as actually strangling a person. Another example is believing that simply imagining a horrific car crash will increase the likelihood of such a crash taking place, or a person may feel that if they don’t count to ten ‘just right’ harm will come to a family member. Other examples of magical thinking, or thought-action fusion intrusive thoughts include:

A certain colour or number has good or bad luck associated with it.
Certain days have good or bad luck associated with them.
A loved one’s death can be predicted.
One’s thoughts can cause disasters to occur.
Stepping on cracks in the pavement can make bad things happen.
Whatever comes to mind can come true.
Breaking chain letters will actually bring bad luck.
Attending a funeral will bring death.
One can inadvertently cause harm to others with thoughts or carelessness.
Hearing the word ‘death’ will mean repeating the word ‘life’ to prevent death.
In each example listed above, the thoughts and events happening could not possibly ever be linked, but the person with OCD will believe that this possibility does exist, and as a result, this will cause them immense stress and anxiety. As a result, their silent internal compulsive behaviours will take hours, and often prevent them interacting with anyone else during this time.

I bet that looks very familiar to you.

OCD is diagnosed not because you display the traits but because they are significantly impacting on you. OCD traits are seen in many people who are not bothered by them at all, hence they are not considered to have OCD. So, when you see all these celebs on TV banging on about their OCD, they don't realise that having traits does not mean a diagnosis will be made because the medical professionals need to understand it is affecting the person. Many children have these traits and grow out of them. OCD is also catagorised based on whether it is more obsession, more compulsive or a mixture. Eitherway, compulsions are common with obsessions but they are more subtle with intrusive thoughts and things like Magical Thinking as they can be what they call "covert compulsions" which means they are mental compulsions. I had both mental and physical compulsions with mine.

So, on top of taking your own written account in, how about taking some of the information from OCD UK? Your GP can't dispute that, they work with specialists like Dr Paul Salkovskis (NHS. Well respected in the UK) to get their information correct.

Mind chatter is common to all anxiety disorders so it may or may not be specific to OCD, it depends whether you have other anxiety issues that could mean it is apart of another disorder e.g. GAD. See what your GP thinks about that.

I would certainly advise you to try Mindfulness. This retrains you how to focus with all your senses which we have forgotten how to do when we have these disorders. It will also include meditation form which is aimed at observing thoughts and steering them away from areas you don't want them to go to. Meditation will train you how to still your mind more. This does help, I've had the internal chatter monkey too!

Reducing your overall anxiety levels will also help with mind chatter. It's too much of the exhitory neurotransmitters and you need to kick in the inhibitory ones. Relaxation exercises, meditation, etc they all help. Exercise can help too as it will pump out some dopamine to help you feel better.