So lonely...

[Kilimanjaro]

So my husband never sleeps in the same bed as me anymore. He uses the excuse of settling our 4 year old daughter and then always claims he falls asleep in her bed as he is so tired but I think he is just avoiding me at night as this is when I am far worse.
I hate it as it is when I need him the most... I feel so lonely and deserted by him. I just want him to hold me and tell me he is here for me like he used to do.. I think my anxiety is ruining my marriage. I am always crying and worried and have no sex drive at all...
I will go back to Doc this week to be re-examined and maybe that will help if all is well but I resent this coldness when I need him the most.. What if I really do have something wrong with me... I know this must be so hard and emotionally draining for him but I cannot help the way I am. I did CBT a few years ago and it helped at the time but not now.. What can I do??? Somebody out there care please I have never felt so alone in my life.

[Mota7904]

Hi you are not alone in this... I have suffered from anxiety, panic attacks, GAD, agoraphobia etc... For over 20 years... My husband used to be my safe person but now I think he just resents the fact that I need him so much for things other than things he needs... I am 46 and suffer every day.. I think I'm going to did every day... Every pain I get is exccaberated and I cannot no matter how hard I try to control my feelings... It is a very dark lonely place.. My daughter who is 19 is my biggest supporter.. She gets it with me but my husband doesn't.. My doctor thinks if I can get him to come to one of my sessions that he might understand more.. It is not a trigger we can turn off like most people this disease is really debilitating... I'm scared every day and just want to be normal... You are not Alone in this at all.. I hope you feel better soon

[Kilimanjaro]

Thank you... It is so hard... I want to be different but I don't know how.
Hubby just came in and spoke to me. He says he wants me back and I am not me at the moment. He said he doesn't want to come home from work sometimes.. He says he will become ill himself soon having to cope with me on top of a stressful job and keeping everything together..It breaks my heart I make him feel this way.. I will go and get the Doc to check my lymph nodes in my groin again.. If she thinks they are ok I will ask for help with this anxiety.. I don't want it to ruin my marriage.. I hope I can change. This has been going on for 5 years on and off... Xx

[daisyflower]

The fact that you said all will be better if you get the all clear is so typical of health anxiety. There will always be something to worry about. It's really hard when partners don't give the support we need but we have to remember that it must be so frustrating and depressing for them to be around someone convinced they're going to die, etc.
I try to make a pact with myself that I won't mention anything about my worries to my husband for the night or a couple of days, etc. You might even find that your anxiety decreases. When out with friends, I don't think about my worries much as I don't talk about them. I come home feeling happy.
If it's starting to affect your marriage then I think it's time to find someone else to discuss your anxieties wirh rather than you husband, even if it's just for a week to work on your relationship.
Try and fun together and plan a meal after your daughter is in bed or go on a date or even just watch a funny film and cuddle.
You can pm me if you want if it would help to talk to someone besides your husband if you are very anxious X

[jimsmrs]

Please don't take offence to anything I write Kilimanjaro.........But your husband needs to see how YOUR anxiety affects YOU. He doesn't like coming home from work???? Well I bet some mornings YOU don't want to open your eyes because of that feeling of dread we've all had with anxiety. I bet YOU want YOURSELF back. And what about YOUR job as a Mother and Wife. Get yourself to your GP, for YOU Kilimanjaro, not for him for YOU. And not for a Husband with a sulky, cave man attitude!!!!!!!!


Take care

[Traceypo]

Hi hun, I'm on my third round of cbt, don't be afraid to ask for more, each cycle, something new has triggered it and I've benefitted greatly from accessing these services.
Xxx

[Fishmanpa]

Hubby just came in and spoke to me. He says he wants me back and I am not me at the moment. He said he doesn't want to come home from work sometimes..

This hit home with me. I was your husband 18+ years ago with 2 young children and a wife who was deeply depressed. I dreaded coming home and seeing her still in her pajamas, the kids a mess. Then I'd take care of them, make dinner, try to clean and get rid of junk and getting yelled out to keep it (she suffered from hoarding as well). It wasn't pretty :( I was lonely too. We slept in different beds or if the same bed, went to bed at different times to avoid contact or intimacy. It was like that for over 5 years. Long story short, "we" sought help. The therapist wanted to see us separately. She stopped going and refused meds. She gave up on herself. By doing so, she gave up on us and me. It's a very helpless feeling when you know there's nothing you can do to help someone you love. They have to want to help themselves.

Yes, see your GP but not for reassurance. Ask for help. I know for me, had she showed the effort, things may have worked out differently.

Positive thoughts

[Kilimanjaro]

Thank you all for your replies... It feels good I am not alone and to get different perspectives on my situation.
I am very, very different to your wife fishmanpa.. I am up and dressed at 6.30/7am everyday to get my daughter sorted for school and a lot of the time do so even after sleepless nights with my 10 month old teething son. I have OCD too so always cleaning. In fact I pick up after hubby a lot too as he can be a right slob at times!!!! And I have a job which although is only 15 hours a week is pretty full on and I find myself working most days in some capacity plus I am bloody good at my job even if I do say so myself.. And I do it with a smile and it helps me forget for a bit...
And all the time my anxieties are in my head but I soldier on but unravel at night as that is my time.... And yes I think I deserve some support from him then... He just cannot understand how I can't just snap out of it I guess...
I will ask Doc about top up CBT as she did mention it to me.. I really don't want to be back on anti-d's though... I just want to know I am ok and not going to die and leave my beautiful babies without a mother... I spoke to my Mum today and she thought my lymph node felt normal but it feels massive to me. I am sure it has grown and got harder... I just want it to go away....
Thanks again for replying to me. It means a lot.. X

[Fishmanpa]

Kilimanjaro,

By no means am I saying you're like my ex. That was my situation. What I am saying is it's equally as difficult for a partner dealing with a partner with mental illness. I don't know both sides of the story. I'm just relating how it tore my heart out seeing the mother of my children and the woman I once loved become someone I didn't know or want to know anymore. Gratefully, she has sought help the last few years and is doing better. My daughter suffers from anxiety and depression too and I (and her mother) made sure she got the help she needed. She's doing fantastic now.

It's difficult at best for all involved. I sincerely hope you (and him) get the help you need to get through this rough period in your lives.

Positive thoughts

[Kilimanjaro]

I didn't mean to appear rude to you or your situation Fishmanpa. Just meant that it could be a lot worse for my husband.. I could be a lot worse.. He says I not me which is true I am not but all I need for him to be is strong for me emotionally and try to understand a bit better.. He does not have to do any of the things you said you had to do. I keep it together for the children. I dress them, feed them, bath them.. Ok he is not a complete chauvinist and does do these things sometime to help or because he wants to out but not because I am incapable...