Just started..

[Istherehope?]

Hi Shaz, nice to "see" you. How are you doing?

[Shazamataz]

Hi Shaz, nice to "see" you. How are you doing?

Hey Is,

I'm doing a wee bit better. I actually had a total of 8 hours sleep last night!

I feel I don't belong on this thread anymore since I'm off the Mirtazipine :P

Things are still a bit rough, but comparatively I'm doing well. My mood has lifted significantly and the past couple of days I've been out and about a bit, driving, on my own! I even went shopping today! Just to a second-hand clothing store, but there's no way I would have done that even a few days ago.

I think all of my anxiety has been complicated by physical health issues and it's been hard to tell what's what. Remember I have Crohn's and am on immune suppressant drugs? (which have worked wonders by the way).

Well, I've had an ongoing cough/dodgy chest since August last year and also a recurring skin infection (won;t give you the gory details) in my armpit - it's horrible! Thing is, every time I get blood tests they come back with no raised white cells so I keep getting told I must not be actually infected, despite having the occasional fever. Last two weeks have had laryngitis really bad, never had it before and it's exhausting!

So, discussed with GP and she agrees that the immune drugs could well be masking any test results for infection. Am now on heavy duty antibiotics which should kill pretty much every bug in existence (and will deal with the fallout of that of course). Day three and I feel almost human.

Makes you think about how much anxiety is caused by physical issues. Seems for me infection = increased anxiety.

Hope everyone else doing okay?

[sandie]

Really pleased to hear you are doing so well Shaz - and, like you, I don't feel I can contribute much on this thread now that I no longer take Mirtazapine.

I managed almost 6 hours sleep last night and the difference in how I feel this morning is remarkable.

The sedating properties of the Amitriptyline even at a low dose seem to be doing their work and I think they are even impacting a little on the anxiety.

What meds are you on now Shaz?

Doze - how are things with you now ?

[Shazamataz]

Really pleased to hear you are doing so well Shaz - and, like you, I don't feel I can contribute much on this thread now that I no longer take Mirtazapine.

I managed almost 6 hours sleep last night and the difference in how I feel this morning is remarkable.

The sedating properties of the Amitriptyline even at a low dose seem to be doing their work and I think they are even impacting a little on the anxiety.

What meds are you on now Shaz?

Doze - how are things with you now ?

6 hours! Woohoo! That's great!

My current meds are Olanzipine 2.5 evening, Temazepam 10 mg bedtime (doesn't do anything so going to try tonight without), Zopiclone 7.5 bedtime (was supposed to be switching over to Temazepam but this one works better for now), and down to 3 mg a day diazepam.

Last night I was up and down a couple of times but had a total of about 6.5 hours.

Yesterday was the best day I've had in weeks. But by evening I was over tired as probably overdid it a bit.

Have four more weeks after this week til I'm due back at work and still not too confident about that. Really don't want to go back if I'm honest, but need to.

I might ask the psych on Monday about amitryptiline. Though I recall her saying nortryptinine (which we discussed and I think is in the same family) does activate seretonin so is a no go for me? Though if it's working for you, may be something to consider as can't be on these benzos for much longer.

I must say the highlight is not waking up panicking and also being able to wake and go back to sleep

[Istherehope?]

Shaz and Sandie sooooo good to hear you've both been getting more sleep after such a horrible sleep deprived few months.

You might not have much to say about Mirtazipine now but I will still fondly think of you as some of my "Mirt buddies" who made some of my darkest days a bit more bearable -thank you!!

Shaz I can see how the thought of back to work isn't great for you - really hoping that in a couple more weeks you feel even stronger though. And hope the antibiotics clear out all the infection too, it's not easy figuring out what's going on when you have other physical conditions too.

Hope amitriptyline keeps helping Sandie, would be great if it improves anxiety levels as well.

And I absolutely agree Shaz, I'm now waking up without waves of fear and adrenaline coursing through me and it feels so good.

All the best everyone.

[sandie]

Sadly. my sleep of 6 hours on Wed night was not repeated last night. I barely slept at all and this morning I feel entirely different to how I felt yesterday.

Having said that, I too feel the panic and anxiety is not as awful as it once was and think this is down to the propanalol - which stops my heart from racing,

Is - Really pleased to hear you are making such progress - what meds are you taking now ?

Shaz - you do seem to be on a cocktail of all sorts - but if it is working, and from what you say it is, then it is worth the effort.

I'm not sure that I a getting 'better' - there is still too much uncertainty in my life, but if I can recharge my batteries with some decent sleep on a regular basis, then it will help.

[Istherehope?]

Oh Sandie, that's rough...I think I saw Terry mention on another thread that when his sleep was starting to sort itself out then he would have a mixture of good and bad - I hope that's what's happening for you and that you are on the road to getting the rest you need.

I can understand that if the stressors are still there then it's very difficult to get better...uncertainty is very hard to deal with, our brains seem to wear themselves out going over and over trying to resolve it even when it isnt possible.

Im currently on 30mg Mirtazapine and 150mg Venlafaxine. Seems to be working so I think I'll be sticking with that for some time. I'm tempted to try cutting down on the Mirt as it really did nothing for anxiety/depression and I don't know now if I need it for sleep but even if I did 15mg would be fine for that. However I don't think it's wise to change anything too soon, the thought of relapsing is pretty scary!

[Shazamataz]

So things are bad again, unfortunately.

I had a couple of days feeling quite good and starting to feel more positive, then yesterday was simply awful.

It may be the antibiotics (and I have 6 days to go!) but was so shakey and dizzy yesterday and had really blurry eyes and ended up very anxious and panicky from about lunchtime onwards.

I was relieved I'd arranged my brother to visit last night as feeling super unwell (no fever by the way, checked several times).

Went to bed at 11, got to sleep about 12.30 and awake with a jolt at 3.30, in a panic, heart pounding and didn't get back to sleep. It's 8 am now and been up since 7 feeling just terrible.

What worries me in this moment is how much of this is anxiety and how much may be something seriously physically wrong? I've had this bad chest/cough on and off for months which turned into laryngitis about 2.5 weeks back, hence the antibiotics, though they don't seem to be shifting it. GP says my chest sounds fine and is not concerned. But starting to have cancer worries now.

Am also concerned about my 'cocktail' Sandie. Have psychiatrist again on Monday. Was meant to stop the zopiclone but couldn't sleep without it unfortunately.

Wish I had better news!

[unspoken]

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling bad again Shaz. I don't have Crohn's but I have IBS and I find antibiotics can cause an upset stomach in me, which makes me feel more anxious. I can understand how all of those different symptoms could make you anxious about your health. I think it's worth getting checked with your doctor again next time you're there to try to put your mind at rest, but doctors are good and experienced and they do know what to look out for.

Over the past few days I've noticed I've been waking too early and feeling physically tense at night. It seems like the sedative effect of Mirtazapine has now completely worn off. I was in work on Monday, off on Tuesday, back in on Wednesday, off yesterday and in work today (planned this way as a phased return). Yesterday anxiety came back and hit me like a freight train. It felt difficult to breathe, my breaths were shallow and forced. My stomach really hurt, I felt sick, hot and cold, couldn't stop shaking, teeth chattering, eyes watering and nose running. I was worrying about everything all at once. Unfortunately yesterday was not a good day for this. I had to do quite a bit of driving around London in the morning, taking my family places, and people drive badly and it makes me stressed. Then I had to go into central London on the train and take the Tube to Brixton, then I went to see a band with my friend. I used to love going to gigs but when my anxiety is bad it is hell - get searched by security on the way in, which makes me really anxious, being surrounded by a jostling, noisy crowd who keep bumping into me, flashing lights and having to stand up for hours. I found it hard to enjoy myself and was relieved to get home. I took some diazepam and sedating antihistamines and had a decent sleep. Today I've felt on edge but less bad because of the effects of the sedatives.

On Wednesday I organised to see a psychiatrist, which I am doing next Monday. I am doing it privately, but my mum has some health insurance which will cover part of the cost, and frankly I've got enough money to pay for a few appointments because I believe my health is more important than anything else in my life. I really hope the psychiatrist can help me. My GP wrote a good detailed referral letter, although she mentioned in it several times that I'd denied having thoughts about harming myself. I've been asked so many times whether I'm getting thoughts about harming myself that my warped anxious mind has started fixating on mortality and I keep worrying I will get worse and start feeling suicidal. One part of me knows the anxiety is irrational and it's a bunch of physical symptoms that just happens, but then there's a part of me that suggests negative, unhelpful things, like "I've lost the plot" and "I will be like this forever". But the overwhelming feeling is that I want to do everything I can to make myself better, so in many ways I'm better than I have been with previous bad episodes of anxiety and depression. There are just so many people telling me so many things and asking unhelpful questions and it is making me too introspective.

[Istherehope?]

I'm sorry to hear things are bad again for you Shaz, it sounds really rough and if you've got the worry about physical symptoms too that makes it harder. Hoping for a better night for you, though you've still got quite a bit of day left right now I guess.

Sounds tough for you too unspoken. Seeing a psych sounds like a positive step. I can relate to the worry that you're stuck like this forever and all the introspective thoughts that don't go anywhere good. I'm grateful to be out of that place for now but how I wish I could make these wretched conditions go away for you all.

Really hoping you both get some decent input from your psych appointments, to you xx