Just started..

[Shazamataz]

Thanks guys,

Glad you are taking action, Unspoken. Action is taking power over things. I hope your psychiatrist appointment goes well.

Today has been rough and I'm thinking the antibiotics are to blame. Have candida everywhere and I'm only halfway through the antibiotics. Some improvement in possible infection but not enough to see any benefits (usually if something is actually infected one sees improvements in the first 2-3 days? and that's why a lot of people end up stopping the antibiotics?).

Because we've not actually established my chest as being infected (could be viral - had slight fever at GP but nothing before or after - she said people often get temperature spikes at the doctor)) I'm tossing up what to do. I've read in the past about candida and what it does to one's mental health and I feel so bad with the shakes and fuzzy eyes etc (of course this could be other medication but it's really appeared badly in the past couple of days).

Just feel I have to also take some sort of action by doing something! So may stop them and take the diflucan treatment which flushes candida out.

My saint of a brother is coming up again this evening to watch a movie so I'm not on my own as I get frightened when I feel this poorly.

Oh it must get better eventually!

[Istherehope?]

Glad your brother came over, it is so scary when illness threatens to take over.

And yes it must get better eventually Shaz, but what a long road to get there for you. You've done so well to keep persevering through all the medication nightmares. You will recover but in the meantime I hope you get every bit of support you can.

Really hope you're having a better night right now.

[unspoken]

Antibiotics are such a mixed blessing, Shaz. I've always been told that you should always complete the course to prevent bacteria becoming resistant to antibiotics but I don't know how much that applies when the antibiotics are making you more ill in other ways. It's so hard to tell what is causing what.

My anxiety is bad. I felt like I was too tense to breathe properly earlier. Each breath in felt like such an effort. I've had 4mg of diazepam and I feel better for it, breathing is easier and I feel calmer. I don't feel particularly sedated though as the physical symptoms of anxiety are so bad that it is only taking the edge off. I don't have a lot of diazepam and I am afraid of both running out and becoming dependent on it. There is a lot of it at home though as my mum is epileptic so has it for emergencies and she will let me have some if I'm desperate. I think the mirtazapine is no longer doing anything for me and trying to get back up to speed with life and being back at work is making me more anxious. I really don't want to be signed off again though.

I went to the library and read a pharmacology textbook. There seem to be so few treatments for anxiety, despite it being better understood than other mental health problems. It's basically just sedatives and benzos and one or two other drugs that may or may not help. I don't want to be sleepy all the time.

I really hope the psychiatrist can help me because I can't go on like this.

[Istherehope?]

I'm glad the diazepam has helped a little unspoken but I totally relate to the fear of dependency, etc that goes with taking them. It sounds like you're only taking them when really necessary though.

Really hoping the psychiatrist can help, sounds like you're getting pretty desperate. I must say that adding Venlafaxine to Mirt has really helped me...not that it guarantees it would help you but I just want to encourage you that there are some options out there. Just wish they came with cast iron guarantees that they would work with no nasty side effects.

Hope tomorrow's a better day

[unspoken]

Thank you, Is.

I woke up this morning with a very dry mouth feeling a bit hungover - not from alcohol, but from sleeping pills. It was sunny outside so I went out for a walk and I felt better.

I am becoming increasingly preoccupied with thoughts of death - mostly of other people dying. I keep thinking about why people do things that are slowly killing them. I mentioned it before, I had a big falling out with a guy I was sort of seeing. We made up, but now he's using these horrible "legal high" substances off the internet because he has an addiction. The first few months I knew him he was abstinent but now he's using this stuff and it's horrible. I would like to walk away but I think I'm at a point where I'd worry about him whether he was part of my life or not. Also he's pushed away most of the people in his life, partly because of the addiction. It's horrible, he would rather be left alone to destroy himself, but his flatmate and I feel we need to check he's still alive. I've seen some things I don't think I can easily forget about. It is making me think about all the people I know who drink so much they pass out, or smoke and cough their lungs up, and all the other awful, destructive things people do to themselves. I am having to take diazepam to keep myself calm but I really hate it.

I was reading a book on psychology and it mentioned Terror Management Theory:

In social psychology, terror management theory (TMT) proposes a basic psychological conflict that results from having a desire to live, but realizing that death is inevitable. This conflict produces terror, and is believed to be unique to human beings. Moreover, the solution to the conflict is also generally unique to humans: culture. According to TMT, cultures are symbolic systems that act to provide life with meaning and value. Cultural values therefore serve to manage the terror of death by providing life with meaning.

(from Wikipedia)

I feel like cultural values are not enough for me to move past this basic terror of mortality and how fragile our lives are. I am terrified by hearing stories of apparently healthy people dropping dead with no warning. So far in my life, I've been fortunate to avoid losing anybody I was really close to, but I know it will happen, and that terrifies me. I don't see any particular purpose in being alive and when I'm depressed I think that humanity as a whole is a destructive force on the planet, but then when I'm anxious I am so terrified of losing people. I am swinging between anxiety and depression without a break in between.

I really, really, really hope the psychiatrist can help me, otherwise I don't know what I will do

[Istherehope?]

Oh Unspoken it sounds so horrible for you right now. I think I was in a similar place last November and December. I usually have a very strong sense of meaning and purpose but depression and anxiety made everything pointless and terrifying, even being a parent. I don't know if it helps to see all of those thoughts and feelings as the illness talking, not you. I'm imagine there is a well version of you that has different thoughts and feelings, but she is being overwhelmed right now.

It sounds like it's important to you to show care to the guy you mention in spite of the mess he's in - it sounds like you are a very kind and thoughtful person and I wonder if that was one of the values that used to bring a bit of meaning to your life?

Really hoping the psych brings some help and hope. I can't remember what meds you're currently on, is it just Mirt?

[unspoken]

Hello Is, thank you for your message of support, it is very much appreciated.

I am on Sertraline 50mg and Mirtazapine 15g, psychiatrist suggested taking another half of Mirtazapine as well, so going up to 22.5mg.

I felt better once I'd seen the psychiatrist, it was like I felt I could allow myself to relax a bit and have faith that I will get support. He said I have elements of all the major anxiety disorders, mixed with depression. He said he thinks some Schema based CBT might help me in the long term to deal with the deeper anxieties I've got. I have another appointment next week because my history is far too complicated to get through in an hour.

I think I do still know the difference between rational and irrational thoughts. I am really struggling with anything that I can perceive as criticism or rejection though. Luckily I do have a bunch of supportive people around me.

The psychiatrist said I also have some meta anxiety - that is anxiety about being anxious. I think all the reading and talking about it has made me think about it too much and it's made everything feel very dark. So when I got home last night I watched videos of dogs on YouTube which helped me to relax. Today I had trouble getting out of bed, I think because all the anxiety I've felt lately has left me exhausted. I made it to work though.

I've heard that Mirtazapine should be less sedating at doses above 15mg, is this generally true?

[Istherehope?]

Really glad the psychiatrist appointment was helpful, and good you've another next week. Hopefully you'll be getting the input you need for your recovery now.

Schematic based CBT sounds like it could be useful too.

I think generally once you're over 15mg Mirt is less sedating, possibly more activating. Personally I never found it lifted me and I could sleep well even taking 45mg before bed but I think this thread and others suggest it might affect sleep adversely at higher doses. I think some people split the dose between morning and evening to get round this but I guess you can only try and see what works for you.

Love the dogs on you tube therapy - I do the same - self care can be silly cat videos - anything to stop our poorly minds from fixating on dark and terrifying thoughts that don't help us in any way!

How has today been for you? I can relate to the exhaustion. Being anxious takes so much energy. Even though I'm much better I still have to pace myself as I get tired more easily.

[unspoken]

On Tuesday I took 7.5mg of Mirtazapine in the morning as the 15mg had stopped really helping me sleep. I felt drowsy all day at work, so last night I took 22.5mg before bed and actually had trouble getting out of bed this morning. I was dozing with the radio on this morning, so had weird dreams involving actors being nominated for awards which I think was related to the radio news!

I did some reading about Schema therapy. It sounds a bit odd, with the therapist taking on the role of 'reparenting' and perhaps a bit patronising the way it talks about "anxious child", "angry child" etc.

When I was about nine years old my parents realised something was wrong with me, in terms of social and physical skill development. They took me to see some educational psychologists, who established that I have dyspraxia. Today I delved into the box where my parents keep all the reports and letters relating to my education, as I thought it might help the psychiatrist to see what the psychologists made of me as a ten year old child. I found the reports and there was a reference to a referral to child psychiatric services because of my "very worrying behaviour". Then I found a printed list of symptoms of dyspraxia, along with a handwritten list of 'symptoms' my parents had been concerned about. This list goes:
- Frustration & Distress
- Anxiety about forgetting things
- Suicidal - Finds difficult to talk about it

I knew my parents knew I felt suicidal aged 12 but not that it was known when I was still in primary school.

I feel like a totally different person to the child who went through all that and was bullied mercilessly and blamed for the bullying. Last year I got a message from one of the bullies apologising, saying that she just realised that she bullied me when we were kids. Yet at the time the teachers kept blaming it on my lack of social skills.

Then I found some notebooks and computer files of stuff I wrote from the ages of 13-22. I was battling anxiety and depression all this time and only started getting treatment when I was 20. Despite this, I don't blame anybody for it. I try to be open about my mental health problems now, in the hope it will help somebody else to be more compassionate.

It's been hard coming to terms with it but I think the psychiatrist is onto something, my childhood is where all this started and when I panic I feel like a small child again.

I'm really fortunate that my employers are being so understanding. My manager told me today that she's done a bereavement counselling course and she said that people often find that a grief will bring out previous grief and problems they'd never dealt with. My life has been a series of trying to forget the past, but it will always be there, so I want to try to think about it differently and not feel ashamed of who I used to be.

[Doze]

On Tuesday I took 7.5mg of Mirtazapine in the morning as the 15mg had stopped really helping me sleep. I felt drowsy all day at work, so last night I took 22.5mg before bed and actually had trouble getting out of bed this morning. I was dozing with the radio on this morning, so had weird dreams involving actors being nominated for awards which I think was related to the radio news!

Yeah, I don't know how some people can take this stuff during the day. I tried taking small amounts first thing to up my dose but it made me drowsy. I can manage 1/8th of 15mg without any really problems, but taking 4 of those during the day isn't exactly practical. Even just on the nightly 15mg I sometimes still wake up drowsy until gone lunch, and I can still happily sleep 9, 10 hours. But aside from that the side effects seem to be getting less and less. Apart from the hunger thing. Some days I'm just constantly hungry.