Should be happy - but feel the opposite

[wantpeace]

I've got things that should make me happy and content. A wonderful wife, wonderful children. I have/ had a job I enjoyed.

But I'm crippled by anxiety and depression. I was hosptialised for a while, but all that did was get me addicted to benzos. I'm on quetiapine and escitalapram (and now diazepam 3 x a day). I find the escitalapram makes me more anxious and restless, but the lack of it makes me more depressed.

My psychiatrist thinks I'm close to theraputic doses, but I constantly have suicidal thoughts, because of the mental pain.

I feel so sorry for my beautiful family that I'm this pathetic mess. I'm skilled as a computer programmer, but I'm too anxious to work. I can't concentrate.

Have you been as bad as this or worse and recovered or are recovering? Where is the hope?

[mezzaninedoor]

I work in IT and have been crippled with Anxiety & Depression. Its been a long road but at the moment I think I'm functioning though I'm having to balance my day quite a bit due to the sedative qualities of I guess the Quetiapine, at least thats the discussions with prescribing CPN and GP.

Its really hard to get to a concentrating position when you are ruminating wildly or your mood is low.

I wonder if you can access some support as well, does your company have an EAP scheme where you can get Therapy to help you. It sounds like you are working whilst being on high doses, I'm not sure how quickly that is tenable as it took me a few months once I was diagnosed to get therapeutic doses correct and still there are things you have to navigate.

Good luck and stay the course, things will pass

[wantpeace]

Thx mezzaninedoor. Good to hear from a fellow ITist. I'm contracting at the moment. I was 2 1/2 months into a 6 month extension when I crashed (almost 2 yrs altogether). I haven't been there since mid November, and can't see myself going back - contract ends end of next month. To be fair, the client has been nothing but supportive, and they've indicated they want me back.

My mood is so unpredictable right now, I can't work - I struggle to make it through the day - getting up in the monrning is close to impossible - it's a massive feat each day. Obviously, because I'm a contractor there's no EAP scheme.

The dose of my SSRI is going up today, so hopefully that will help me long term - although, I get really bad side effects from increases initially.

In the meantime, I'm trying to keep myself busy on stackoverflow.

[shiznit76]

I'm like you, crippled with anxiety and depression for no real reason, and also on escitlalopram. I've tried various SSRI's and beta blockers and none have helped much. I also hold down a job in IT, all be it as a technician, but concentrating when feel like this is hard. Do you feel bad all the time or does it come and go? What does of escitlaopram are you on? You tried any other meds?

[wantpeace]

Hi shiznit. I've just moved up to 7.5mg today after being on 5mg for the past 3 weeks. I've had great success with Escitalapram in the past. And coming off it leaves me with a depression worse than I've ever known, like a vast emptiness, darkness and void where no comfort or happiness can enter. This is my 3rd time getting on it. I hope once I'm up to 10mg, it will work as it has done before.

My anxiety levels have been through the roof today though. Usually, I feel better in the evenings. Yesterday and today I've still not been too good though. A bit panicky but able to function with fleeting happy moments.

[shiznit76]

That's a very low dose of escitalopram, does the diazpam help with the anxiety

[wantpeace]

Yes it is a low dose. I've been on 20mg twice before.

- The first time was quite straight forward getting there.
- The 2nd time was an absolute nightmare. Doctors think I went up too quick. From 5mg every other day (tapering off) to 20mg in 1 week. Anxiety constantly throught the roof and massive feelings of discomfort.
- This time doctor is trying to take it more slowly. 2.5mg for 1 week. Then 5mg for 3 weeks. Now day 2 on 7.5mg. The aim is 10mg.

The doctor thinks I'm on the bipolar spectrum, hence the 350mg of quetiapine a day (split between 4 doses).

All the diazepam does is stop or lessen the benzo withdrawal symptoms. I feel no better for taking it. Unless I take it alongside 25 or 50mg of quetiapine. Then I feel really good for about an hour. The benzo dependance complicates things. I don't know what anxiety is down to that and what is down to getting on to the Cipralex and what is just circumstantial anxiety.

[greyfire]

I've got things that should make me happy and content. A wonderful wife, wonderful children. I have/ had a job I enjoyed.

But I'm crippled by anxiety and depression. I was hosptialised for a while, but all that did was get me addicted to benzos. I'm on quetiapine and escitalapram (and now diazepam 3 x a day). I find the escitalapram makes me more anxious and restless, but the lack of it makes me more depressed.

My psychiatrist thinks I'm close to theraputic doses, but I constantly have suicidal thoughts, because of the mental pain.

I feel so sorry for my beautiful family that I'm this pathetic mess. I'm skilled as a computer programmer, but I'm too anxious to work. I can't concentrate.

Have you been as bad as this or worse and recovered or are recovering? Where is the hope?

I know exactly how u feel its 2 am and cant sleep thinking about stuff that has happened to me this has been going on a long time I am 53 and its been a constant battle but cant give up