I was told it was no big deal
17 years later I am now 32 years old. This condition has completely distorted my soul. I still don't buy it, and insist that there must be something else must be the cause of everything. From starting off my day with my heart skipping a beat or two and feeling a tingle in my hands to ending it with having self diagnosed brain cancer that is cured the following morning. I am in hell. I live in the southern United States in Atlanta. I try to find a doctor to help and they prescribe me Jesus Christ. Seriously. That my issue is because I haven't made a particular religious choice. Honestly with all the chatter that's up in my head I think mixing in an omnipotent being up there would be an invitation for me to completely lose my mind. Some doctors have given me anti psychotics, anti depressants, mood stabilizers, dopamine blockers. Now I'm currently given amohetamines and benzodiazepines. I know what you're thinking.....I think the same thing. I have no idea how or why amphetamines bring a relief but it often will and I get to experience life with a little focus. For a couple of hours and then it's gone and I rebound right into the benzo bottle. I take it....no abuse....and then I feel dead. Completely null and void of human emotion. There is just....nothing. But I get to experience life without shaking and thinking without chatter.......for a few hours. I become debilitated with my mind disassociated. I feel as if a giant hand is holding my soul and dipping it in and out of my own reality. I become insignificant to my own self and begin the most unhealthy thought pattern I know of. But it works......and it is death. Accepting death and forgetting about the past hours of fighting to feel like I'm not going to die. I accept death as a 50/50 outcome to what I am feeling every single day. It is dark, terrifying, and irrational. For some reason this sick thought reduces my symptoms enough to allow me to ration with myself. The guilt begins. The shame follows. Paralyzing depression crawls in through my window and puts me in a choke hold. I can't move and if I can I don't want to and I don't know why. I'm definitely not lazy. It must be time for me to take an adderal and power through this and get a couple hours of life in. Wash, rinse, repeat. I am a ghost of who I used to be and a total stranger to the person I could be capable of being. I want my life back. People think that I'm ridiculous. That I'm seeking attention or pity if I begin to shake in public or breathing heavy. I've been abandoned over it, mocked, lectured, insulted and even held the nick name "Kid Parkinsons" for a few years. I have no idea what to do with myself and I recognize myself as a burden to people that get close enough to see what I go through or "who I am." At first people want to help or fix me. They can't. They exit my life for their own good. Immediate family included. I've been driven broke and pretty much homeless.surfing the waves going couch to couch trying to find new employment that I know I'll only be able to hold down for a little while. When the bosses take notice that something is "off" or that I am "weird" they get rid of me quick. Usually when I'm absent minded and forget about a task. I hate myself on that walk home. I had what to do written on my hand the whole time I just forgot to look at my hand that's all!! They would never understand that.
Hi. I'm Marek and I'm lost.
I'm here because I was trying to google my way out of being sick.
I like music and cats.
My favorite movie is fight club.
I study Hermetic Philosophy and I like to write songs.
I need help.
-Lost Marek
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