Pure O, Thinking Obsession about Thinking?

[LiveAboveIt]

I used to have a sort of Sensorimotor OCD brought on by SSRI withdrawal centered around my breathing. I was doing breathing techniques for anxiety and had a thought "What if I cant stop controlling my breathing" lo and behold, I struggled with Sensorimotor OCD for years on and off based around the breathing.

I was never diagnosed with OCD, but I was diagnosed with OCD tendencies. I don't believe that I have any compulsions or rituals, other than trying NOT to think about whatever it is that I'm so fixed on/obsessed with. (But I'm sure this is common)

I eventually managed to beat it, but now I'm in the midst of SSRI withdrawal and my thoughts are obsessive again. I was stuck in the grips of anxiety for about 3 months or so and got tired of constantly thinking about the anxiety one day and now I'm worried that this constant monitoring of my anxiety is going to evolve into a thought obsession, if it hasnt already.

It doesnt seem as gripping as the breathing obsession, because I absolutely HAVE had moments where I forgot about it because someone was talking to me or something caught my attention, usually on a mild anxiety day...

But it's the first thing that I think of when I wake up in the morning and I struggle with it all day. Towards the end of the night I am exhausted and struggle with thoughts of "Am I ever going to be able to just STOP monitoring and thinking about the anxiety or the way that I feel?!"

Does this sound like another OCD obsession, or is this monitoring/checking just a symptom of high anxiety that will pass when the anxiety and withdrawal does? How would you go about dealing/coping with this if it were you?

[Holds1325]

Hi,

To answer your question about whether its OCD or if its a symptom of withdrawal? It could be both.

I also want to mention that OCD does not necessarily have to be physical compulsions such as turning the lights on and off or making sure something is in order etc. it doesn't always manifest in a physical way.

I was diagnosed with Pure O and have zero physical compulsions, however, I did have mental compulsions which sounds like something you might be experiencing.

Tell me something, is there something you fear? Or is it something you can't quite put your finger on?

Most Pure O sufferers complain about not pinpointing a specific fear, while some have fears of doing something drastic as the result of these feelings, feelings that are out of their control. Does this sound familiar?

In any case DISTRACTION is the best remedy and takes practice but eventually works. Get into a hobby, do things to make yourself happy and most important TAKE IT EASY on yourself, you'll get through it I'm sure.

[LiveAboveIt]

Thank you, Holds.

I'm not really sure if I have a specific fear. My fear is usually based on how I feel and not wanting to feel that way. So far, it usually starts with increased anxiety from either getting on or off of SSRI's. I then ruminate over my physical symptoms.

This time around I had a TON of new mental symptoms that I have never had before, both on the Citalopram and when coming off. Intrusive thoughts, mind chatter, mental confusion and inability to think or process thought.. Simple things felt way to complex for me to even comprehend.

These issues have since begun to greatly diminish and I can think again and most of the brainfog/mental confusion is gone, but I think all of this forced me to be introspective while it was at its worst and even though everything is starting to get better, I cant seem to stop thinking about thinking.. or meta worry, I guess some people call it.

But yes, even when I'm not fixated on anything specific, I just have high anxiety for no reason and cant quite put my finger on it, I just know that I hate that I cant focus on anything else and I'm tired of being afraid of my own thoughts and worries. I feel like once I came to the conclusion that all of the fears and thoughts are irrational and I'm ready to better, that it should have been easy to change the channel. This has not been the case and has resulted in me feeling like I can't stop thinking or ruminating on the way I currently feel and the thoughts, which has bred new anxiety over worry that "I won't ever be able to stop and I will always be stuck feeling/thinking this way."

But I haven't been SSRI free for about 6-7 years. I'm usually off the meds for about 4 weeks before I need to get back on them again because I can't handle the increased anxiety from the withdrawals, but I've always cold turkeyed. This time I had planned on tapering, but the effects from the drug were so severe, I just wanted off of them. So I don't really know how I feel or think when I'm not going through withdrawals or startup.

[Holds1325]

This sounds pretty common and closely related to what I experienced months back or so when going through withdrawal from alcohol and drugs and it DID clear up eventually.

Was the anxiety too much to taper? Do you feel as if the anxiety happened as the result of taking the drug? is the current drug Celexa (Citalopram)? Most patients take up to 18 months to taper from an SSRI while most going cold turkey take shorter time but experience greater discomfort. I would not recommend cold turkey as this could cause suicidal thoughts, has this occurred?

In any case you CAN get through this either way with help. Have you tried therapy? I did try that route but ended up in inpatient psychiatric as a result so I canned that. But I did have support from many friends and family members which greatly helped. Its always good to get these thoughts out, it prevents the rumination.

I look at ruminating this way:

Thought enters>body is already anxious>mind thinks through the thought>another thought chains on>another>PANIC!

Its best to stop it at the thought entering, just ignore it, it doesn't need attention, that takes practice though.

Mostly YOU WILL BE FINE nothing bad is going to happen and you WILL be better eventually this will not last forever I promise. Just keep repeating that until it becomes louder than the anxious thoughts and feelings. It will get better though I promise.

[LiveAboveIt]

I've honestly never been on any medication for even a year. I think at most, I was on Effexor XR for around 5-6 months in the past. After that it's been 4 weeks on, 4 weeks off. I've been stuck juggling between startup side effects and withdrawal for about 6-7 years now, with breaks of feeling decent inbetween. I've been on both Escitalopram and Citalopram for a couple months in the past, but can never stick out the side effects.

This last time I had a horrible reaction to the Citalopram and was told to immediately discontinue after being on it for about 5 weeks due to severe mental confusion and slurred words, my BP was also very high. All of this immediately improved upon discontinuing, but I've been stuck with symptoms of high anxiety and panic, since.

I think I'm getting used to it, though. I'm in a weird stage where I can feel the anxiety and rumination, but it doesn't feel foreign anymore, which is both scary and comforting. So hopefully I'm on my way to recovery, but it's still concerning because I've been in a state of constant anxiety for around 3 months now and I don't know what normal feels like anymore.

But I AM getting better, slowly. I appreciate all of your kind words and reassurance, it always helps. I'm still very new to this, my anxiety has always been very classic and simple my entire life and it feels like it has evolved recently into all of this crazy introspection and existential thought.

Also, I do have a line up with a new psychologist on May 5th for intake. I've tried a couple before her, but they were all disassociated drones that spent more time on their laptops in silence than they did actually helping me or giving me positive advice.

I guess it's just a waiting game at this point. I will take your advice and try to stay positive and distract myself in the meantime. Thanks again, Holds.