Hiya everyone, I just wanted to share this with you hope it makes sense.
Looking back in retropsection, I always believed that my anxieties and panic attacks were a slow build up of the emotional negative abuse. I always use to think, how was it possible for a child to seperate themselves from an enviroment of negativity? Being attached to those constant feelings of insecurity and fear, without nothing healthy to replace those feelings, manifested in my negative thoughts as just getting bigger and bigger my thought process becoming more distorted as time passed by.
The power of those negative feelings had such a hold on me, it stripped me of my own power!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had associated negative feelings with negative actions and attitudes, in life I would meet people who were to trigger those feelings in me!!! I could never stand any kind of authorative figure, such as teachers, managers, any one who had a position where they were in charge of others, and who came across to me as intimidating, even though they were not, I perceived as being so.
In hindsight, all I could see in others during the earlier days, were aspects of control in my parents. Men reminded me of my dad, even in past relationships my partners reminded me of my dad.
Stepping out of that controlled enviroment, didnt mean I was safe and secure, because although I was getting on with life and raising my daughter, working etc... that power of control affected me and followed me, I was still emotionally attached to those feelings of control.
I knew that I could not cope with strong authorative figures, and even watching anything of a violent nature on the telly would send me into a panic attack.
Losing our own sense of power, for me this meant that I had not learned how too look at say a violent film, without re experiencing the feelings all over again, the memories and fear, were all their in those triggers.
To regain my power and confidence, I began to look at violent films, watched programmes of a pyschological nature, wathced horror films which I hated, anything that reminded me of my background, but learning to become detached , without internalising what I was watching as my own experience. I learned over a period of time, that those triggers had no power or control over me, I was gaining back my own power and learning not to over identify with what would have been something for me to avoid.
Over identifying was differcult to overcome because now I see people for who they are and not of what they remind me of. I knew that having made this connection to myself I was on my way to having healthy relationships and friendships, and even though in others there will be similiar issues it doesnt mean that they are like my dad or my mother. I know due to this negative power of control, I had become judgmental of others , not something I am proud of, as I was not seeing them for who they were, but today I know different, because that pain has gone, but the memories are their , I am just not affected by them anymore. I can look back at the memories and share those memories with others, without re experiencing the emotions.
My experience of the power of control was obviously very damaging, BUT Power in the wrong hands as most of us here will know has nothing to do with building someones confidence.
When we take back our own power, we are in control of our own feelings, always being aware of how our actions and attitudes affects others , in short for me, the positive power of control has every thing to with building confidence in others and encouraging them to think and build their own beliefs , and make their own mistakes, and learning from them.
love skylight
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but thats the thinker in me!!!!!!!!!!!! Love sky
