Slipping into depression due to anxiety

[maw84]

Hi All,

I really could do with some advice about how i'm feeling right now. I have been suffering with what I believed to be anxiety for just over a year now. I started off with intrusive thoughts, worrying thoughts and feeling like I was unable to enjoy things. I bought Paul Davids book "At last a life" early this year and I could relate to so much of it. I have made real progression with intrusive thoughts and I have been seeing a CBT therapist once a week for a few months. Throughout this whole period I have concentrated on all of the basics, healthy eating, drinking lots of water, trying to get decent sleep and exercising at least 5 times a week. I have always been very active and I try to jog as much as possible. I have been going everywhere and doing everything that I would normally have done. Only recently I've traveled to Budapest, London and Rome all the while with near constant anxious thoughts and a real sense of not enjoying it. I have tried to let the thoughts be there and I have really tried to accept the fact that I don't appear to enjoy things. The only problem is I can tell over the last few weeks that my mood has seriously declined as I've started to get really run down by it all. I feel like I've tried to do so much to help myself and live with the feelings and I seem to be getting worse and falling further into a pit of despair. I have somehow managed to get to work everyday over the last year or so despite having many nights with next to no sleep. Again I know that everybody's advice is to accept all the thoughts and not try to force anything but I am struggling to accept the thought of not being able to enjoy life and I feel that everything is getting too much at the moment. I want to enjoy life and i'm not able to just accept that I can't. This feeling sets of the anxiety merry go round as i'm really confused if this is just anxiety or if it's moved onto to full blown depression? I have been given anti depressants by the GP over a year ago and I've not taken them. I'm starting to feel like I may need to try them as it feels like things are getting worse and worse right now. I have been re-reading chapters of Paul's book over and over recently but there is something in my mind that is telling me "This won't work now as you've tried this before and your getting worse" I wish I could just accept that thought and accept that I can't enjoy anything as Paul suggests but it's just so hard to stop fighting!

Any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks. Matt

[Kuatir]

There is such a thing as doing too much and I guess this might have contributed. How are you finding the CBT? Speak to your therapist about the anti-depressants and consider giving them a go, they can help you get out of a rut!

[maw84]

The CBT sessions definitely help at the time but after a few days back in the routine it seems that positivity can be lost amid all the anxious thoughts. I understand that my thoughts are not me but I can't seem to accept thoughts of not enjoying life and being so bored of things. My CBT therapist has advised that medication can help some people but I've always resisted as I felt that I would be papering over the cracks if I went down that route. I have been so determined to do everything and anything to help myself. I can see the point that I've maybe been doing too much but it's so hard to almost give up on yourself and allow all of the thoughts to consume you. My fear is that i'll lose control and consider suicide. That is me being perfectly honest. I don't want to at all but if I let myself think that it's okay to feel nothing and completely empty then i'm terrified at the thought of what will happen.

[Kuatir]

It's hard to advise when you seem to be doing what you can. Your concern regarding medication makes me think that it might suit you though; as you are not looking for a coverup.

[maw84]

Thanks for your advice, i'll certainly consider taking the medication. I've got another CBT session tomorrow so i'll think i'll discuss it again with my therapist and make a decision.

[Jo1970]

I think the thoughts that you will never get better and are afraid of suicide is extremely common in anxiety sufferers. I have been afraid of that for years but never acted upon these thoughts. So why am I still worried today about that thought is irrational but my brain keeps sending the scare bombs.

If I were you and you are struggling, take some medication. In my opinion, it stops things getting so bad that you can't see the wood for the trees. You would take a pain killer for a twisted ankle...so why the problem.

A lot of this I think is that we will not accept feeling like this. You end up fighting with yourself, which just makes you worse.

Jo

[maw84]

Thanks Jo,

I am certainly giving the medication alot of consideration. I think you are right in the opinion that we often don't want to accept the feelings or thoughts that we are having. It's easy to say don't be scared of the fear of suicide or no longer being able to enjoy anything. I think it's a natural reaction not to be okay with that thought. That's my main problem. I struggle to give up the fight!

[Bike Rider]

I was/am the same as you, take the medication, it helps calm and level things out to a point where you can rationalise your thoughts and start to get control without fighting them.

You are not enjoying things because of the anxiety, I know as I have been through the same thing. You may just have a chemical imbalance and the medication will help that.

[emmegee]

I have struggled with anxiety all my life and when I have episodes of anxiety it usually leads to depression. My mom, a nurse, suggested when I was in my late twenties that I probably am just wired this way and I should be open to taking medication because I am a person that needed it.

I have taken zoloft (sertraline) on and off for about twenty years. A few years ago I was doing okay and went off it and was "proud" of myself for my strength. Truth is...when I look back at the past few years, I have been anxious, mildly agorophobic, and probably was trying too hard to be strong.

I recently suffered a relapse into a major anxiety episode... and the depression was setting in. I decided it was time to go back on the antidepressents... maybe for good.

The emptiness, not enjoying anything; I know that feeling all too well. Just going through the motions... telling myself one day at a time... not seeing the end of the tunnel.

While I am not telling you what you should do, you should discuss it with your therapist/practitioner. Medication certainly helps some of us. Keep an open mind. Take care.

[pearlsdream]

I am also feeling the same so it is a relief to know sometimes you are not the only one. I too live a very healthy lifestyle, meditate daily, exercise, eat very healthily, sleep, get out in nature etc...but the past month I feel I am declining. This year I took a low dose of citalopram in combination with CBT and it helped massively. I decided to come off them in September and the first month was fine but since then the feeling of being on edge and unable to enjoy things has returned. I too am considering going back on them as my mum (also a nurse) has suggested perhaps I am lacking in chemicals. I have felt this way since the age of 6 so perhaps there is some truth in that!

It is hard to feel you are relying on the pills, but after many many years of trying different jobs, locations, yoga, meditation, herbal supplements I am coming to see that perhaps I am wired this way!

For people who suffer with Bipolar it seems that taking the medication is seen as a way to balance it out. For GAD and depression I often feel we worry there are 'reasons' for why we feel like this, I wonder perhaps if sometimes again it is biological.

Remember you can always come off the AD's if they are not for you. Sometimes it is worth a shot, or perhaps give yourself a time frame 'If i don't feel better in a month' after trying XXXX then I will give them a shot. Try not to panic, whatever decision you make isn't permanent, you can take the pills for a period of time then try life again without them. Sometimes it is a relief just to get some help and experience normality.