This is my first post here so I'm sorry if I should post first in introduce myself but I need help to know if I'm becoming a horrible human or if it is just my mental illnesses talking to me.

I have dp and Pure Obsessional OCD. I don't know when my DP began but I know I have had OCD ever since I was 10 years old, where back where I was religious I was convinced that I was going to hell and the 2012 prophecy was true and the world would end that year.

I have been handling it ok for awhile but not it's getting so much worse. I feel no emotions for anyone now, not even my family or pets. I have been having intrusive thoughts and obsessions dealing with a range of topics from thinking life is pointless, do we have free will, are we just programmed puppets, or will I one day snap and become a serial killer.

I feel like I am constantly in a fog. I try to argue with these thoughts and try to prove them wrong but I either fail to do this, or my thoughts simply just loop over and over again. I can't think straight, I can't find refute my own thoughts, and I feel like I now believe these thoughts now.

It got really bad a few days ago when I read an article claiming that scientist have disproven free will and my I spiraled downwards from there. I feel like I am now turning into a heartless machine inside now. The obsession then changed from obsessing over free will to thinking that life is meaningless, especially human life, and I should not care what happens to other people. That if the rest of humanity were to die except me and I would be the only human left alive it would not bother me because don't need anybody and can live alone just fine because I don't care about anyone. I should not care what happens to innoncent people or the sufferings of the world. That I secretly hope humanity suffers and dies out.

I don't know why I keep having these thoughts but I hate them. I can't stop them, doing everything days that has no relevance to my obsessions still remind me of my thoughts and how they are true. I spend everyday inside my head arguing with myself in a vain attempt to prove these thoughts wrong but it doesn't work. I can't feel emotions anymore, I feel like I no longer care about anyone else other than myself now even though I used to care,and the fact that I feel so hollow and empty inside when going over my thoughts proves them right and I am a heartless inhuman person. I don't feel human anymore. I feel like I am some sort of calculating machine that just observes organisms called humanity and then deems them worthless. And when I have no negative reaction to these thoughts anymore, I feel like that I have been corrupted and turned evil.

It doesn't help that I have no job, overweight, no social life, and I just stay in my house 24/7. The only friend I have lives somewhere else, I used to play online games with him but a few months ago he lost his internet and now I hardly ever have contact with him anymore.

I find myself wishing someone will just delete my personality and turn me into someone else who does care about others so I can get out of this mindset. I don't want to be like this. I want to feel human again. I want to care for others again. But I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry this went as long as it did. I used to post on dpselfhelp but nobody ever responds to my post or the moderators will simply ignore my post and don't filter them through. I don't know how I can stop this and change myself for the better. Now I have doubts that this is a result of my OCD or dp and is actually how I feel on the inside and can find no evidence to refute that thought. Has anyone ever went through something like this before? Is there any hope for me or am I lost?