I don't feel human, please help

[PrinceLunar]

This is my first post here so I'm sorry if I should post first in introduce myself but I need help to know if I'm becoming a horrible human or if it is just my mental illnesses talking to me.

I have dp and Pure Obsessional OCD. I don't know when my DP began but I know I have had OCD ever since I was 10 years old, where back where I was religious I was convinced that I was going to hell and the 2012 prophecy was true and the world would end that year.

I have been handling it ok for awhile but not it's getting so much worse. I feel no emotions for anyone now, not even my family or pets. I have been having intrusive thoughts and obsessions dealing with a range of topics from thinking life is pointless, do we have free will, are we just programmed puppets, or will I one day snap and become a serial killer.

I feel like I am constantly in a fog. I try to argue with these thoughts and try to prove them wrong but I either fail to do this, or my thoughts simply just loop over and over again. I can't think straight, I can't find refute my own thoughts, and I feel like I now believe these thoughts now.

It got really bad a few days ago when I read an article claiming that scientist have disproven free will and my I spiraled downwards from there. I feel like I am now turning into a heartless machine inside now. The obsession then changed from obsessing over free will to thinking that life is meaningless, especially human life, and I should not care what happens to other people. That if the rest of humanity were to die except me and I would be the only human left alive it would not bother me because don't need anybody and can live alone just fine because I don't care about anyone. I should not care what happens to innoncent people or the sufferings of the world. That I secretly hope humanity suffers and dies out.

I don't know why I keep having these thoughts but I hate them. I can't stop them, doing everything days that has no relevance to my obsessions still remind me of my thoughts and how they are true. I spend everyday inside my head arguing with myself in a vain attempt to prove these thoughts wrong but it doesn't work. I can't feel emotions anymore, I feel like I no longer care about anyone else other than myself now even though I used to care,and the fact that I feel so hollow and empty inside when going over my thoughts proves them right and I am a heartless inhuman person. I don't feel human anymore. I feel like I am some sort of calculating machine that just observes organisms called humanity and then deems them worthless. And when I have no negative reaction to these thoughts anymore, I feel like that I have been corrupted and turned evil.

It doesn't help that I have no job, overweight, no social life, and I just stay in my house 24/7. The only friend I have lives somewhere else, I used to play online games with him but a few months ago he lost his internet and now I hardly ever have contact with him anymore.

I find myself wishing someone will just delete my personality and turn me into someone else who does care about others so I can get out of this mindset. I don't want to be like this. I want to feel human again. I want to care for others again. But I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry this went as long as it did. I used to post on dpselfhelp but nobody ever responds to my post or the moderators will simply ignore my post and don't filter them through. I don't know how I can stop this and change myself for the better. Now I have doubts that this is a result of my OCD or dp and is actually how I feel on the inside and can find no evidence to refute that thought. Has anyone ever went through something like this before? Is there any hope for me or am I lost?

[viking111]

Hello!
First off, nothing is lost and yes, there is hope out there.
I have experienced the very things you have explained, and still experiencing some of them. What you described is a range of mental disorders I have too. Just like for me, I believe for you they were also caused somehow by your family and your childhood. There might have been something traumatic that has caused this, or your parents could have been kind of dysfuctional. For example, my parents did not raise me but left me to be raised by my dad's sister which was dealing with depression and alcoholism at that time. She was loving and caring, however when she was depressed and turned to alcohol, it all scared me a lot and made me disociate. This is how disociation and other mental disorders form, most likely from your childhood.
First, I wish that you understand your past and your family and try to understand how it could have caused this.
About the thoughts, it is really just your mind trying to find reason for your feelings. There are two sides of the brain. One side is emotional and creative, that is responsible for all those weird emotions you are experiencing, like, emotions of not feeling emotions, emptyness, no personality, all that stuff. The other side of the brain is the rational side of the brain and it is unconsciously trying to find out why everything is so bad as it is for you, so it sends you these ideas, these weird thoughts you wrote there. You cannot fight them, there is no possible way for you to disprove them as they are most often indisprovable for anybody. It is normal to experience them in that state and you should strictly try to ignore them, not fight them, not try to disprove them, not analyze them. Just let them be there and they will be gone in time.

I got my DPDR from marijuana smoking 2 months ago, and first month was pure hell, I felt the same as you, having all those existential thoughts and stuff. Sometimes it got really bad, but one day I just let all of this go, did not care about it, and my anxiety disappeared. Right now as I am typing this, I feel 70% better than I felt before. I still experience all those no emotions, but by evenings it gets a lot better and I feel lot more normal. I also experience all that feeling of floating through my life, but it is cureable and many people have. It takes time and understanding. Trauma procession and therapy also helps a lot.
If you need anything, PM me and I will try to help.