I just don't know what to do or think anymore.
So you may have seen I've posted numerous threads about thinking about my walking/ talking etc. Well today things got a hell of a lot weirder and scarier and I'm a complete shadow of myself.
So the first thing that triggered me today was actually being over confident. I was chatting away to someone in the pharmacy when I realised, woah I just spoke and had no control over it what so ever. This was just the start of things.
So anyway, I forced myself to travel into London despite the fact I've had numerous troubles with trying to work out how I'm even walking. Then it hit, me. I can actually make sense of my walking today!....but this made me worry. 'How come I can suddenly understand this? I must be messed up in the head'.
Then I started worrying about something that kept me up last night. I couldn't make sense of why so many jobs on a job site were 'customer service' that's right, how completely ludicrous and specific is that? I kept thinking that this must have been an invention of my mind or something, or the world has just gone mad.
Then Came the automatic thinking. I seemed to be doing stuff without telling myself to do it. It felt like these thoughts didn't belong to me. I also then started to worry that I was doing normal every day things and not just living in this separate world I've created.
And finally the thing that has scared me the most, or not scared me. I don't even know anymore l, this is how strange I feel. I was getting the train home from Paddington and started thinking about what it would be like to be hit by a train. A normal me would wince at the thought, but today I was thinking I wouldn't feel a thing, it wouldn't hurt. So now I have this completely numb feeling thinking, 'am I suicidal? I don't think I want to jump in front of a train, but I don't know if I will'. It feels like I've got a completely altered state of perception and I don't know what I might do and that scares me/ maybe scares me, I just don't know anymore!
So I'm lying here in bed, a shell of a human being, not knowing about my own capabilities anymore. What should I do? Can anyone reassure me? Is it just a faze? What the hell is wrong with me. I'm so sorry for the pity party, I'm just at my wits end.