Just some thoughts and confusions I have right now. I wrote down all the things going on in my head after a socially bad day, just to reflect. Sorry, it's long and makes me sound like a crazy person and a little dark. But I wrote this when I was in a very sad mood. But I was wondering if anyone could relate?
I feel a painful sensation in my stomach. It feels “painfully shy” as if someone is driving a knife through my stomach when I am in a social situation. I sweat. I am really nervous around people. I always need someone's approval before I do anything to make sure I don’t get embarrassed. I cannot speak to people I want to speak to and this makes me feel depressed. I feel regret. I wish I could talk to people, but the barrier is the sensation I feel. I feel unconfident. I cannot make eye contact with people for long. Perhaps if they looked at me long enough, they would make fun of me. I live in a fantasy world in my head. I spend 99% of my life living behind my eyes. In my head, I can talk to everyone and everyone likes me. I can feel all the emotions that I cannot feel in real life because I am not close to anyone, but i want to be. I cannot bring myself to approve of anything I do, because I feel flawed. The anxiety makes me nauseous and dizzy and I feel ill all the time. Feeling ill all the time makes me feel weak. And feeling weak means I will receive sympathy. I am afraid of sympathy because it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t like people being so close to me, because I am odd and don’t deserve it. If I ever speak to anyone, I will spend hours and days thinking and analyzing what they say and what I have said and what they could have thought of me because I want to make sure what I said was right. I cannot stop caring about these stupid trivial things, because my obsessive compulsive mind makes this impossible. I keep getting stuck in a loop and I cannot get out, because “what if I was wrong.” I sometimes think I need problems like this because I have an excuse for all my flaws. As in, if anyone asks why I am so weird, I can blame it on the anxiety... I fear being alone. I feel the need to be protected and sheltered and taken care of. And yet, I cannot have interpersonal contact because I feel…..gross. Not because the act of caring for another is gross, because I feel like a weirdo who doesn’t deserve it. I feel ugly. Really really ugly. I am mad. Mad because my daydreaming is taking me away from real life. But if I get out of bed and do something, what if I don’t feel happy? What if it does not match my expectations? Daydreaming is so much nicer and feels like drowning in honey. But afterwards, it makes me feel sooooo guilty, and sick, and tired. But, I need the daydreaming, because there is no other way I can feel anything...it makes me feel a false happiness that feels the same as true happiness. It is joy with side effects. I worry that I will go crazy sometimes. What if I get schizophrenia? What if my personality splits? What if I am never myself again? What if life will never be the same again. And so, it is much safer to daydream, even though it is destroying my life. And yet, if I don’t get out of it, I will die with dreams and not memories. I will die with more regrets than ever. It’s just that when I try to get out of my coping mechanism, and stop daydreaming, I feel a cold and tired feeling. Like I had been sleeping for a long time in a warm bed full of thorns and now I am getting up into a cold winter, bleeding. Which would I rather do? And so, what in the world am I to do? I am so confused…..
---------- Post added at 03:54 ---------- Previous post was at 02:12 ----------
Anyone?
Reply With Quote
Originally Posted by Dave1
