Just venting

[KeeKee]

Sick of feeling low. The last time I remember being happy was when my daughter was a baby and I was in my late teens. I'm 28 now and painfully unhappy. However, at least I'm not sitting crying and feeling deathly 24/7.

I get days where I think, screw other people, I am who I am and won't change for anybody, then a small comment will be made and I'll go back to square one and feel massively inferior to everybody else.

I also have BDD and am hopefully getting therapy specifically for that in upcoming months, but it's currently worse than ever and I wish I never had to leave the house. My skin is horrendous and I've had an almost permanent breakout since February. The longest I've ever had. Usually I get a 2/3 week breakout once or twice a year. Getting fed up. Feel so self conscious, caught sight of myself in a mirror in a shop the other day and genuinely laughed out loud at the state I was in. My hair was a frizzy, curly mess (was very windy that day), I wear trampy shoes and a big black coat every single day. I genuinely thought it was hilarious to see myself in such a state as it just shows how little I can be bothered lately. Suppose you have to laugh about it sometimes.

[Bigboyuk]

[QUOTE=KeeKee;1675873]Sick of feeling low. The last time I remember being happy was when my daughter was a baby and I was in my late teens. I'm 28 now and painfully unhappy. However, at least I'm not sitting crying and feeling deathly 24/7.

I get days where I think, screw other people, I am who I am and won't change for anybody, then a small comment will be made and I'll go back to square one and feel massively inferior to everybody else.

I also have BDD and am hopefully getting therapy specifically for that in upcoming months, but it's currently worse than ever and I wish I never had to leave the house. My skin is horrendous and I've had an almost permanent breakout since February. The longest I've ever had. Usually I get a 2/3 week breakout once or twice a year. Getting fed up. Feel so self conscious, caught sight of myself in a mirror in a shop the other day and genuinely laughed out loud at the state I was in. My hair was a frizzy, curly mess (was very windy that day), I wear trampy shoes and a big black coat every single day. I genuinely thought it was hilarious to see myself in such a state as it just shows how little I can be bothered lately. Suppose you have to laugh about it sometimes.[/QUOTEKeeKee you aren't the only one to feel like this! Think you have to put those small comments out with the other rubbish in your life for eg; You Ex you have managed to make changes there, so I believe in time (and you are only still quite young and the good side of 40 ha ha) The thing is you can make subtle changes on the outside that will then make changes on the inside Only you can achieve this. Once you start your therapy you could be surprised on how different you feel about 'YOU' I am going to post that link about that song for you here. Do listen to all the lyrics too I think it will make a lot of sense well it does to me Now I will go and find it. what ever link I type here doesn't seem to work so search for the seekers and Georgie Girl and do play it. And replace the persons name with either your username or real name and keep playing it till it makes a difference in your life I don't like seeing you like this KeeKee Cheers

[KeeKee]

I don't know what changes I could make though. I can't see things more positively because I strongly believe people my age are judged a lot on appearance. What makes things even harder is that until around 4/5 years ago, I did get 'looked at' by men. I don't understand how I've become unattractive in a few short years. My skin is a little worse and I'm obviously a little older but surely that can't make much difference.
A few people have suggested I wear nicer clothes but I'm just too self conscious.

Yeah I tried the link and it said error 400 or something. I'll type it in

[Bigboyuk]

Just going to try this: https://youtu.be/wsIbfYEizLk It's working now KeeKee

---------- Post added at 17:36 ---------- Previous post was at 17:29 ----------

I don't know what changes I could make though. I can't see things more positively because I strongly believe people my age are judged a lot on appearance. What makes things even harder is that until around 4/5 years ago, I did get 'looked at' by men. I don't understand how I've become unattractive in a few short years. My skin is a little worse and I'm obviously a little older but surely that can't make much difference.
A few people have suggested I wear nicer clothes but I'm just too self conscious.

Yeah I tried the link and it said error 400 or something. I'll type it in

Think you have to knock the judgement on the head wether its in magazines or on telly I think the thing is you have allowed your self to deteriorate some what think those people are right try some nicer clothes as the lyrics in this song says so I chose this song specialy for you because I think it applies to you and other people too who are in a crisis Cheers

[KeeKee]

Ok so I listened to it. Not my kind of music but the lyrics made me laugh as it is me a little (clothes you wear, window shopping haha). Especially since I've just mentioned people suggesting I wear nicer clothing.

---------- Post added at 17:44 ---------- Previous post was at 17:37 ----------

It's easier said that done with clothes though, I feel extremely self conscious wearing nice clothes I'm not entirely sure why. It's not TV or magazines that make me feel low, it's just the way I feel. I used to be skinny, I hated it. I used to be 'curvy', I hated it. Now I'm in between, I hate it.

Also I feel like because I'm so self conscious people aren't honest with me, so I don't know whether I suit one thing or not. Or they'll be brutally honest and tell me I dress like I think I'm 18 or something. There's no middle ground. So I have zero idea what kind of clothes suit me etc. Then there's my skin which is making me feel horrendous.

If I was happy about one thing, I'd be fine. But my favourite features from my teens are now also ruined and I like nothing about myself and am truly repulsed by the way I look.

[Bigboyuk]

Ok so I listened to it. Not my kind of music but the lyrics made me laugh as it is me a little (clothes you wear, window shopping haha). Especially since I've just mentioned people suggesting I wear nicer clothing.

Well I said it was about the lyrics does it make sense to you? To me it does , you don't have spend vast amounts of money to get noticed but make some changes and those same people and other will see a difference in you and will make comments to that effect you mark my words! Tell you if I lived close by to you and would take you to the shops my self Just little changes will make a difference don't leave it till you are old and grey hun it's too late when you feel low play the song again and again I actually think its a catchy little song but each to their own Personally I want to see you happy Keekee venting is good to get it out in the open, but to stay as you are is not doing you any good! Cheers

---------- Post added at 17:57 ---------- Previous post was at 17:49 ----------

Ok so I listened to it. Not my kind of music but the lyrics made me laugh as it is me a little (clothes you wear, window shopping haha). Especially since I've just mentioned people suggesting I wear nicer clothing.

---------- Post added at 17:44 ---------- Previous post was at 17:37 ----------

It's easier said that done with clothes though, I feel extremely self conscious wearing nice clothes I'm not entirely sure why. It's not TV or magazines that make me feel low, it's just the way I feel. I used to be skinny, I hated it. I used to be 'curvy', I hated it. Now I'm in between, I hate it.

Also I feel like because I'm so self conscious people aren't honest with me, so I don't know whether I suit one thing or not. Or they'll be brutally honest and tell me I dress like I think I'm 18 or something. There's no middle ground. So I have zero idea what kind of clothes suit me etc. Then there's my skin which is making me feel horrendous.

If I was happy about one thing, I'd be fine. But my favourite features from my teens are now also ruined and I like nothing about myself and am truly repulsed by the way I look.

Yes I hear you there will be a deep down reason why you think like you do, the sooner you start your therapy the better Listen it's not what others think in that sense it's wether you like that new dress/ blouse or what ever to hell with what other's think. make that a goal Ie: Iam going to get (even a couple) of nice clothes just think it could well make you think you know I actually like what I have bought once you start feeling even slightly better about your self you self esteem will get better and better I have been there my self so know it's possible. It's time to jump down from the shelf and live Sending positive vibes and to you Cheers

[KeeKee]

The thing is compliments also make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I've been told I'm attractive by therapists and counsellor but it makes me feel really bad, I've no idea why but I literally feel like crying. It feels like I've got to change who I am for others to approve and I just don't get why I'm not good enough as me. Don't get me wrong, I agree with the clothes thing, I honestly did look like a tramp the other day when I caught sight of myself so I know I need to sort that out, but I can't just overcome 13 years or excruciatingly low self esteem.

I just wish I could not care what I looked like.

---------- Post added at 18:03 ---------- Previous post was at 18:00 ----------

Yes I get what you mean bigboy in regards to whether I like the clothing. There have been times I've seen a jacket as an example but wouldn't buy it as it wasn't long enough to cover my upper thighs (my only chubby body part). I know I should just not care but I can't help it. It's definitely deep routed, I just can't get past it, I need to overcome this whole valuing myself on my appearance. Unfortunately for the time being though, that is exactly what I am doing.

[Bee84]

Aww I'm sorry your feeling so low

I hate my acne scarred skin to death. I get hormonal break outs. I still can't cope with my hair. I get male attention when I'm slimmer I've noticed. Family pretend it doesn't matter but they would wouldn't they?

I'm ugly as hell most days its not fair but intelligence is truthfully more important to me. Looks get boring I think. But I would think that way cos I've got none!

And when you're doing well, I know how it is to receive knock backs when people can (so diligently) "tell" that you are an anxious type or even worse...the dreaded shy person. Its like I'm here being social, this is currently the best I can do, why in the hell are you kicking me down you fool??!!

Yeah us women will never feel right looks-wise with so many messages and all eyes on us. Our bodies are a target for marketing campaigns and we feel crappy and ugly because of it. I wonder what women would really be like without all the media nonsense.

[Bigboyuk]

The thing is compliments also make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I've been told I'm attractive by therapists and counsellor but it makes me feel really bad, I've no idea why but I literally feel like crying. It feels like I've got to change who I am for others to approve and I just don't get why I'm not good enough as me. Don't get me wrong, I agree with the clothes thing, I honestly did look like a tramp the other day when I caught sight of myself so I know I need to sort that out, but I can't just overcome 13 years or excruciatingly low self esteem.

I just wish I could not care what I looked like.

It's probably 2 fold here one you don't get a lot of nice comments and 2 you actually don't believe them when they are said. Well glad you said it your self you looked like a tramp maybe this will kick you up the butt And You have admitted that and you also state you need to sort that out Ahh Great And yes 13 years is a very long time to get out of the current thinking but it can be done honestly I was that low about 3 months ago I actually wanted to die yes true, but not now. sure things are terribly good for me but I am making progress and that's all you need to do is make some progress, how ever small it is then you will be on your way thinking Iam making head way Do it for you ok Cheers

---------- Post added at 18:17 ---------- Previous post was at 18:11 ----------

Think we really need to help KeeKee as much as possible with positive vibes, messages etc I have been there my self only because of stupid comments what other people have said in the past sure they hurt (that's why they are said) but they need to be thrown out as far away as you can thrown them pick your self up and move on Cheers

[KeeKee]

Bee84 yes it's like we stick out like a sore thumb. Even worse is when people take our anxiety as rudeness. I've had somebody tell me their friend thought I was rude because I didn't speak to them. Made me feel horrible especially as this person knows I'm shy so I believe they should have told their friend this is why I don't speak to people.

I don't think it was the cause of my issues, but when I was skinny I got comments (off men) about having no boobs, I was asked how skinny my legs were, even the nurse I saw when pregnant said "Look how skinny your arms are". Then I gained a lot of weight on antidepressants and was borderline overweight which made matters worse. Now I'm a healthy weight but hate my shape. It's like a never ending nightmare.

---------- Post added at 18:29 ---------- Previous post was at 18:23 ----------

I know you've been there bigboy I remember reading your posts. And yes it's exactly right that I don't believe compliments. There have been the odd one where a relative has said "You look nice today" and I do believe they were genuine, but it's when I wear clothes I don't feel comfortable in.