My daily diary.

[Dbsworrier]

Hi everyone.

This week I started to write a diary of everything I feel day to day. I'm doing it to see if it will help me in any way, and also thought it might be something to share and discuss with others.

So please feel free to comment if you can relate to it, have any advice for me, or if you want to discuss the content within. I will say it reads very much like I'm rambling half the time, so hopefully it makes sense.

One thing I would like to ask people is if this does indeed seem like dp/dr or disassociation? I still haven't got a proper diagnosis and to be honest don't know if I actually exist.

Anyway I will post the first three entries I've made below this introduction. I will try to update it every day. Just so you don't get confused; 'Issi' is my girllfriend, and 'Ma' is what I call my mother. Anyway, thanks in advance for reading.




Experiences/ diary of my issues.


31/05/2017

Today I went for a long walk around Stockley Park. When I was in the park at the top of the hill, I was looking out at the horizon seeing rows of trees and mostly natural land. It seemed impossible that being as I was in a town I could only see nature in the distance. This made me conclude of course that the world wasn't real and didn't make sense.

This evening we were watching the election debate. I still can't seem to grasp the existence of people around me. It feels like they are not actualy there, and when I say things related to what is happening in my surrondings it doesn't feel like I am actually in the moment. It feels like the things coming out of my mouth aren't actually things related to my thoughts. I find it funny how I can talk about normal things, yet I don't believe I am real or the world is real. It's like things I am talking about don't actually exist or that I am watching someone else talk about these things.

I haven't been concentrating as much on my talking today. Things I've said have mostly been about the things mentioned above and felt like I was talking about things that don't exist. When I really think about it still, I can't work out how I am shaping words. It doesn't make sense to me how I am able to do so. Doesn't make logical sense that I am making a combination of shapes with my mouth. It doesn't feel like it is me talking. It feels automatic.


01/06/2017

I'm going to start with the thoughts that have plagued me this evening. Yet again I feel like im convinced that I'm not living in the real world. Like somehow I'm in a different world. I don't know if this is a thought, or if I actually think this. I tend to believe it, my head is so muddled up. Why can't I think about things normally? I read about this thing called cotard syndrome which seems to have some of my characteristics. It says it's rare. If I had it, would I actually think or know I had it? If I really thought the world wasn't real, would I worry about having it? Makes me feel so lost.

I went out with Issi today. She was her normal self. I am still getting my usual thoughts when out and about with her though. I seemed able to cope reasonably well though as normal speaking just seemed to be happening, and I was talking about subjects that I don't really think are there.
Had a therapist session. I was talking alot so didn't actually have time to really think about how I was actually doing it. It's weird how it's got to the point that when I don't think about how I'm doing it, I'm worried about the fact that I am not thinking about it. She obviously doesn't seem to think there's anything more wrong with me than 'disassociation' and anxiety. Well she hasn't called anyone to wheel me away yet.

I keep thinking I just want someone to come and take care of me. I feel like I don't have the energy or strength to do this myself. I can't believe that I am not in hospital if I am indeed real and just ill. If nobody is doing this, is this evidence that I'm not in the real world? I just want to be sure of myself. I want to know what is right and be confident in what is going on, but I don't.


02/06/2017

Today has been a bad day. I don't know where to begin. I'm struggling with the sheer amount of thoughts and ideas that I am having. I seem to be thinking different things minute by minute. I have been very confused and worried about all of them.
So it started of this morning with a continuation of what I was thinking last night. Yet somehow today it seemed to develop and I feel in a complete muddle. I will write all of the thoughts I've had in the order I remember them.
I literally can't seem to accept that all I am is unwell. It's almost as if I have disassociated from that along with everything else. That's what I'm trying to tell myself anyway. That all the confused thoughts I've had today are simply because of illness. But somehow I don't believe it. I feel like I am not ill. The idea of illness has no meaning to me. This leads me to of course conclude yet again THAT I AM NOT REAL.

I'm also struggling with the fact that my thoughts and ideas seem to have changed so much over time. For some reason this feels wrong. My opinion and feeling on something can literally change at the snap of a finger. I start to conclude that it is wrong for one person to have this many thoughts and opinions therefore this can't actually be happening. It is especially troubling when I think back to the supposed person I used to be. Completely different to this person I am now. That person could accept things, and draw logical conclusions from all the thoughts in his head, and the things that surrounded him. Am I a different person to that guy? Am I somehow in a different universe?

Looking back at my writing now, I can't even remember alot of the things that were going around my head today. The one thing I can say is that I feel so unconvinced that I am actually ill and that something isn't happening. I don't know what that is, but I just know I have no feeling towards the words 'ill' or 'anxiety' and no association with either words. Therefore it feels like that can't be whats wrong with me.

While all these thoughts were going on, I did go out today. I went to Uxbridge with Ma and barely talked. I wasn't really concentrating on what was going on around me. I just replied flippantly to any questions and continued thinking. Writing this now, it is fairly hard to put anything that has happened in to words. When Issi text me earlier, I tried to tell her what I was feeling, but I couldn't seem to put it in to words on the text. I don't know if it is because I was scared of what she would think, or if it is because it is impossible to put in to words. I guess that is what it is, I don't actually know what I feel, I can't interpret anything. But then again I get confused over how sometimes I can feel like I have all the answers, and then the next moment I feel that I was wrong to have those answers and didn't consider something else.

Looking back some more, this reads like an absolute mess, which I guess is what my mind is like at the moment. I can't seem to trust any conclusion. I will try not to think of it, yet it feels that I need to, yet I know that wont help. But then I worry about the times I'm not thinking about these things. It seems almost like there is two different people thinking different things at different times. Nothing seems possible.

I was going to write about the rest of the day, but the thoughts and feelings were much the same, and I seem to keep going off in tangents. If I were an outsider looking at this, it would look to me like the thoughts of a rambling mad man. I will say that I did go to bed and sleep for two hours as soon as I got home, just to get away from all of this.
I will finish the entry by saying that I just feel very insecure, and all of the feelings I have had over the last few months have really got to me today. I can't seem to accept the fact that they have been and gone and I can get over them. Oh well we will see what tomorrow brings.

[Dbsworrier]

03/06/2017

Today can best be described as the hangover from yesterday. I woke up late and didn't really want to get out of bed or do anything. Ma kept on at me about going out to see Ian later on in the day, but I knew I really didn't want to go. I eventually got up still having the thought that I am in a completely different world to what I used to be in. Still not sure what I believe.

Ended up arguing with Ma over the going out. That was a surreal experience, arguing with someone I didn't actually believe was there. I ended up hugging her afterwards and weeping. I think she understood how I felt in the end. I don't know if I have remorse on my side, simply because i'm unsure if I am actually here and whether she was just a figment in an alternative world.

She eventually went out and I continued to do the gardening. Any thoughts were minimal as I was concentrated on that, but I don't feel like that is a solution to my problems. I eventually ordered a pizza for dinner. Whilst I was waiting I seemed to be especially twitchy for no apparent reason. I wasn't feeling anxious, but that certainly made me feel it afterwards. I continued to twitch while I ate the pizza, especially in my throat which is a new one I've been having this week. Somehow even when something physical like that hits me, it still doesn't feel like it is actually happening. When I was eating I started to notice how automatic the process was. How my lips were pursing together when I took a bite, how my arm without any thought seemed to travel to and from my mouth. And when I drank from a water bottle, how my lips would automatically move in to a certain position.

After this I started to have feelings that I haven't had in a while. I didn't have any enthusiasm for going outside or anything else and was feeling generally quite strange. I started reflecting on how unusual and almost fictional I felt now and how things had felt in the last few months. Was this a good thing or a bad thing? I can't be sure. On one hand it does feel good that I can recognise how odd it feels, on the other it feels completely hopeless, and I still don't know what is going on and who the person before all of this happened is.

So I sit here now thinking; do I know this is just an illness? Do I believe this is the real world? Do I think I can eventually make sense of all of this? Will life and the people around me begin to feel real? Will I wake up from a dream? Will I make sense of body movements, things I (or the person who I remember as apparently being me) did take for granted before? It feels so strange that you can think so differently from one phase to the next. Is this just an amazing thing about the world? Or is this just not a world at all?

[Dbsworrier]

04/06/2017


I guess you could say that today has been better. I seemed to make sense of things a bit more earlier. For once it did seem a little like Ma was real when I saw her this morning. Earlier I did seem to believe a bit that this was actually an illness and not something else.

Thinking back on the day now, there were things going on in my head, but it's a little foggy now what they actually were. Whatever it is I know it was confusing. I'll try and go through my day and see if I remember.
We went to the garden centre to get some plants. I do remember having a bit more clarity before we went and possibly on the way there. I even made a bit more sense of my talking. Whilst sitting in the cafe I remember feeling slightly on edge probably thinking the same thoughts from yesterday.

When we got home, we planted the herbs we had bought. I decided to get the strimmer out and cut a lot of a bush down. Sitting down after this I had some things going through my head. I thought how I just seemed to automatically do the strimming. Thinking now I find it amazing how people would just let me do that. I feel so much like I'm not actually here and out of control, yet I must appear absolutely normal to them despite the fact I think I may suddenly wake up from a dream at any moment. This is also when I started thinking about how I feel so odd and not with it, yet I'm not in a psychiatric ward. I actually believe that I am not here, yet nobody seems to notice and seems that worried.

This evening I have felt as if I am weirdly talking about normal things. It is however like it is someone else doing it. Does this mean I have multiple personalities? Does it mean I'm not actually here and watching someone else? Maybe I am not as bad as I think I am, or maybe I'm not actually here so that is why people aren't bothered, because those people don't exist. I keep thinking maybe I need to talk more to those close to me and it will help me make sense of everything. But I find it so hard to do, I don't know if it is because of my ****ed up belief system or because I can't be bothered.

I was going to write more, but I've completely forgotten what I was going to write. There was another feeling I was going to add, but I can't actually remember what that was...With that I've just remembered. It was about how I still struggle with relating to the idea that I am just ill, like I've mentioned before. However my thoughts today seemed to have switched between that feeling and occasionally understanding that I am just unwell. Is this a sign of recovery? Or is it another sign of multiple personalities, or of me not actually being here. The fact that I genuinely feel unsure of what is going on and who I am is troubling, which adds to the point I made about not understanding why someone hasn't put me in a psych ward. Am I actually feeling deep down that I am ok? I know psychology is a complicated thing, but at times like this it feels like it shouldn't be. Also feeling as if I don't exist, makes it feel like all these things also don't exist and so don't have meaning. I don't know what's going on. Confused.

[Dbsworrier]

05/06/2017


I haven't thought about how I feel much at all today. I don't know if that's a good thing. I got up late as usual and seemed to just concentrate on what I was going to do during the day.

I had a sandwich, a banana and a peach for lunch. Eating seems to be something that is really perplexing me at the moment. I mentioned it briefly before, but much like talking the combination of things I'm doing when eating seem very automatic and it doesn't seem like it's me doing those things at all. I find it amazing how my arm just move to the correct destination, my lips seem to push away as I take a bite, and my arm pulls away once I have taken it. It feels like it isn't a process I remember learning to do and of course doesn't feel like I'm doing it.

I removed a lot of the stones from the garden today ready to put turf down. The only feelings I really thought about whilst I was doing this was how my arms seemed to automatically hold the shovel in the right way. I don't really have that much more to say on that.

I've still had a really twitchy throat today, and of all the tics I have this one seems to be the least under my control. Sometimes it happens, and then I'll just notice it mid-way through it happening. This is the kinda thing that makes me feel like I'm not really here and not in control at all.

I haven't given as much time to the feelings of not being actually here and the ones that people in my life aren't here today. This isn't by choice, it's just for some reason they haven't been in my mind. I still feel like deep down, I don't believe I actually exist but for some reason it hasn't worried me as much today. Maybe one day I will just forget about this, but then I worry that I shouldn't because this is the way things should be or the way things just are.

If I have any more thoughts today, I will mention them tomorrow. Yet again, I hope tomorrow makes more sense.

[Dbsworrier]

06/06/2017


I woke up very late today after quite an unsettling dream. That is of course if waking up actually happened, because I'm still struggling with the idea that things are actually happening.

I've done very little in the day. I made lunch exactly the same as yesterday. During this and much of the rest of the day I've been very concentrated on body movements again. It was very much that feeling of just pressing a button in your brain and then your arms, legs and whatever perform a function on their own. I don't seem to be in control of the way they move, such at the direction or the shape they take. It feels like my brain is not controlling those things.

I eventually went out for a stroll locally where similar thoughts continued. Ma eventually rang and while on the phone I was aware of how uncomfortable talking was still. We met in the coffee shop in the supermarket. As I was sat there I began to think of how I'm communicating with someone I'm not sure is actually there. Then thought of how I genuinely seem to not believe I'm in the real world again. It feels like everything is wrong with how I feel towards it. It's like I'm not connected to this world at all. It's like I'm on an alien planet, yet somehow I am communicating with this world. I feel like I don't want to because theres no connection with it, but some part within me is still keeping in touch with it. Except it doesn't feel like it's a part of me, it feel like someone else.

In the car back home I found it amazing how I am able to function in this world. I literally don't believe I'm here. Then I wonder, why is nobody picking up on this? I don't feel normal at all, yet nobody in this world is doing anything about it. Is it because I'm not actually here and this isn't really real? Or is it because I do actually believe I am here in some deep deep subconscious that I'm not actually aware of? I wish I could just be sure and have a definitive answer, and therefore a sure path to follow.

I can't even begin to think about my relationship towards money, and work and other stuff that I used to associate with in my previous life. I feel like I'm not real, so they are not real. I just need convincing of what the real reality is. Am I in it and just need to be convinced? I need to know either way. Maybe I will just wake up from this nightmare and then reality will be there. Who knows.

[Dbsworrier]

07/06/2017

Today has been manageable. I woke up late as usual, though not quite as bad as yesterday. I seemed to be able to make more sense of the world. That seems to have been a theme today, though I'm afraid to say much too positive because I obviously am still not the same person.

After lunch I went and did some normal things. I went to the bank for Ma then proceeded to travel to Uxbridge to get to my own bank. I was going to take the bus, but then discovered I had no money on my Oyster card. Therefore I had no choice but to walk there along the Canal. I really didn't want to at first, but actually found the spontaneity of it quite helpful. I mostly didn't have any thoughts on my way there though the general feeling is of course still with me. I was able to convince myself slightly that I was real whenever the question arose, though I still feel like deep down I am not real.

Ma picked me up after a brief spell in Uxbridge. Much like the feelings of whether I am real, I again was able to convince myself at least momentarily that she was. It still feels odd that I can interact with people normally despite the fact I evidently am not normal and don't believe I'm there or that they are.

I felt very twitchy inexplicably when we got home again. I don't know why, and it always seems to me as evidence that I am not real as its not possible for that to just happen with no reason behind it. I did after this start to think about there is so much in my body that I can not control. Like breathing, my heart beating, blood flowing around my body etc. It seemed impossible to me that these things can just happen without me consciously making myself do things. Then I thought the fact that I can't control these things, mean I'm not actually in control when surely I should be fully in control. Otherwise surely I don't have free will, and I am just a robot or something being controlled. My brain is performing these functions, and surely my brain is me, but I'm not making myself breath or my heart beat so how can I be a conscious human being in control? I just can't make sense of any of this and it's really bothering me.

We went out to dinner and that is still a surreal experience. I'm still not sure that I am actually there in situations like this, but I was able to suppress my thoughts and got through it ok. When I was out, an old school friend, got in contact with me talking about her own mental health issues. Weirdly chatting to her briefly made me feel a lot more real, and it was nice to hear her experience though obviously she was going through a hard time. Maybe I should start to communicate more with people, though it's still difficult cos my talking is a complete anomaly to me and I just can't make any sense of it.

In conclusion I'm still not convinced of my own existence, but at least it hasn't been so bad. I'm still not confident things will start to make sense, but at least I can take some positive things out of today.

[Dbsworrier]

20/06/2017


Look at that date. It's been almost four months since the person I supposedly was existed (that is of course if I am still in that same world and timeline). So today, there's not huge amounts to add so this may be a short one.

Woke up a bit earlier again, but stayed in bed looking at my phone till about midday. Showered Immediately in cold water; partly because it was warm, partly to convince myself there's a chance I might be real. Bought lunch over the road and ate in the garden. During this time the same old thoughts were going around. I occasionally put words in my head to make sense to things though they had little meaning. I have been putting layer upon layer of logical thought on top of the fact that I don't believe I'm real today, and that seems to have somewhat suppressed the idea.

I went for a walk in to Yiewsley. I'm still scared to go much further because it seems to confirm all of my negative thinking to be true. I was a bit pre-occupied with my walking as I was on my way, but I'd much rather have just that basic thought than the idea that I really am not in the real world.

I came back, did a little gardening. Had much the same feelings I did earlier in the day so I don't think there's anything to add there. I found myself talking a bit more to the person who is supposedly my mother in this world. It felt like it made a bit more sense, but only about 20 percent.

In conclusion, still have no feeling towards the idea that this is an illness I have. Still heavily lean to the idea that I'm not in the real world and that is the hurdle I want to overcome. Life goes on, or maybe it doesn't. Who knows?

[Dbsworrier]

21/06/2017


Today has been one of those days where I've mostly remained positive. Tried to keep away from the negative. Tried to convince myself I'm in the real world. Not entirely sure, but the anxiety levels about it haven't been too bad.

The way I got up mirrored yesterday. I went straight to have a cold shower. Weirdly I had to psych myself up to do this. It was almost a feeling of really not wanting to do it or not feeling motivated. None the less I did as I did yesterday, did this quickly and bought lunch from the corner shop.

I've spent the day pretty much convincing myself enough so that I could get on with things with little thought. I'm not even gonna try and think about how
I feel deep down, because it wont be helpful.

So pretty much having done the exact same routine as yesterday, I even at times managed to convince myself that talking made a little bit of sense. Though at other times it didn't make any sense. Even some body movements have made sense today. I wonder if it is because I've been so pre-occupied with other much for horrible stuff. Though the routine I have done today much involved doing pretty much nothing productive, it seemed to keep my mind concentrated on other things.

I'm still petrified of doing anything outside of my local vicinity, so I may try and keep up this same routine tomorrow however boring it seems. Hopefully I can start to make lots of sense of lots of things by the end of the week. I just want to go home now, to a world I know, to a world I'm comfortable, to a world that makes sense. Please.

[Dbsworrier]

22/06/2017


Much like yesterday, I've tried to remain positive. Hopefully this is a step in a good direction and things will finally start to make sense. As always though I am not going to speak too soon.

I woke up at lunch. Decided to make that first, then have a shower as the heat wasn't as bad today. I went about this slowly, watered the garden and the went for a walk in the afternoon. On my walk I was still quite concentrated on how I was moving my legs, but I couldn't be bothered to dwell heavily on it so just kept going.

I met Ma for a coffee, and just sat there quietly as I usually do. While I was sitting I was a bit concentrated on how parts of my hand seemed to move quite automatically when I was twirling my headphone cable, but again I just couldn't be bothered with it. Also talking to people is still odd and if I think deep down I still don't think it's me, but I'm getting on with it for whatever reason.

This evening I went for a walk and here I am sitting now typing this. It's been a nothing day again, but I'm happy with that for now as it makes me feel a little more comfortable. I am dreading the weekend when I may have to do more.

Therapy again tomorrow, if of course this is the real world. I will relay all of this information to the therapist, one of the people like everything else that I am yet to convince myself is real. Will see how it goes.

[Dbsworrier]

23/06/2017


I write this at the end of the day as the idea of not being real is slipping back in to my mind. Hopefully I don't believe it, but I honestly don't know. Hopefully going over the day will prove me wrong.

I got up at the usual time, all the usual thoughts were a bit more prominent than the last couple of days, but I soldiered on. Made my lunch, then much like yesterday slowly showered etc. I went out for a walk and met Ma late on for a coffee. All of the aforementioned issues were there, but I was seeing the therapist in an hour so hopefully that would help.

Got to the therapist and I went over the fact again that I didn't believe I was real. She seemed less concerned than me. It did seem like she was more real when I was talking to her which is something. She taught me a meditation technique, which I was nervous about doing as the person who I was before once did some meditation and it freaked me the hell out. As we were meditating I went through stages. At points it felt like I was struggling to breath properly, then I was worried I was going to see some freaky imagery, then my head felt rather heavy. I felt eventually that I reached a point where I was eventually able to relax a bit. When I opened my eyes the room seemed smaller, my arms looked thin and unreal, my vision felt odd, and I felt a bit like I was floating. I don't know if it helped or not.

I left still feeling like everything was a bit narrow, but at least that took my mind of the fact that I may not be real. I picked up dinner and went home trying to convince myself I was real though I don't believe it. I have had fleeting thoughts that maybe I could return to normal this evening, and this will all eventually make sense; but I'm never sure if I'm just kidding myself.

I watered my plants about half an hour ago and didn't think too much about anything until I'd finished. Then I did start to really believe that this couldn't all be real again. It's weird because when I think it, it really scares me, and then moments later the immediate threat of it goes and I desperately try to explore what that feeling was, but can't quite find it. The only thing that remains is the idea that this isn't the real world.

So I honestly don't know what the next few days has in store. You get to a point where you honestly feel like you can suddenly make sense of things, and you don't know how you could get back to those bad feelings. Then they just hit you, you have no control over when or how it's going to happen. It seems I can never get too positive, because deep down I know this can't be real; a real person wouldn't feel so numb and distant, I don't feel human at all.

Please, please, please. I just want answers.