01/07/2017


It's July. Great. Still here wasting my life, if I have one to waste. Yet again today I've had zero motivation to do anything or talk to anyone. To be honest, I'm miserable.

Woke up usual time. Ma was home, so got me lunch. There was talk of going up in to London with a bunch of people, but I couldn't face it. ONE, because it was just too much pressure. I don't know if I'm real or not in my own home, so imagine being in a completely different place trying to work things out without being able to run to bed and just sleep. TWO, I find it difficult enough trying to talk to one person I don't believe is there. So imagine two, three, four people! Each one talking to me whilst I'm going over whether each individual is real, whether I believe I'm real, whether it's me responding to them, whether my brain is actually moving my mouth. Everyone of them thinking I'm acting normal, where as I'm very not normal in my head and none of this situation is making sense. THREE, pretending to be normal in itself. Thinking about all of the stuff I've mentioned in this diary wondering if the cracks will ever show, yet wanting them to show, yet not wanting them to show. I know alot of this contradicts itself, but the contradictions don't seem to matter because I really don't know what to believe.

If this world is indeed real and this is all really happening, then one of life's humiliations crept up on me today. I AM BROKE. I have zero money. All of the life I have supposedly led, and what have I got to show for it? Nothing. All of the memories, any hard work, any ambition has counted for nothing. Today I had to yet again suffer the humiliation of asking my mother to pay for my phone bill. I'm struggling to convince myself of the existence of people, but the last ounce of me that might believe this world to be true is a shadow of a functioning member of society. Contributing nothing. Unable to do anything about it, because how can one make something of himself when he doesn't know there is a himself to make something of?

Ma was kind, and could see how upsetting this was to me so made no fuss of it, though she could have. It made me feel slightly more real that she could see the struggle in me at this moment, though I am still of course confused. It did make me feel some emotion, I was on the verge of crying for a while which I guess could proof that there is maybe a bit of human in me.

We walked to get a coffee, and around a couple of shops. There wasn't too much of a dialogue going around in my head at these points, and I was able to put on somewhat of a brave face.

The last few days I've been playing some video games to try and enjoy something. It has distracted me a bit. It even bothers me that I've had the thought to do this though, and much like everything else it doesn't seem quite right when I involve myself in this activity.

Ma came back with Phil as they had bought a takeaway. As I mentioned earlier, I didn't really feel like talking to anyone so probably seemed quite rude. As always though I don't know if care either way what people think, because I'm either not real or very ill so it wouldn't matter.

After dinner I was feeling quite nervous and twitchy. I don't know what brought it on. Before all of this stuff had happened I wouldn't question this. Now I feel as if though nothing make sense, so the fact that this happened is now a big confusion to me along ith everything else. How could I feel this nervous when nothing in particular scared me in that moment? How could it just happen while I was just sitting there with no threats around me?

And that brings me up to date. So things aren't perfect at all. I am slightly mindful though of what we talked about in therapy yesterday. I've been trying to think back to that mindset, of how liberating it felt to just vent like that. To hear someone talk and make some sense of what I was telling them. It was almost like my mind and this world were a it more connected because I had a period of time where I could just talk about all of this stuff and nothing else. I didn't have to talk about paying bills, or going out, or talking about anything in the exterior world; the things that I'm struggling to believe the existence of. It was just all about what was in my head, the thing that seems the most real to me. Well, I will try to keep thinking about this tomorrow.