My daily diary.

[Dbsworrier]

01/07/2017


It's July. Great. Still here wasting my life, if I have one to waste. Yet again today I've had zero motivation to do anything or talk to anyone. To be honest, I'm miserable.

Woke up usual time. Ma was home, so got me lunch. There was talk of going up in to London with a bunch of people, but I couldn't face it. ONE, because it was just too much pressure. I don't know if I'm real or not in my own home, so imagine being in a completely different place trying to work things out without being able to run to bed and just sleep. TWO, I find it difficult enough trying to talk to one person I don't believe is there. So imagine two, three, four people! Each one talking to me whilst I'm going over whether each individual is real, whether I believe I'm real, whether it's me responding to them, whether my brain is actually moving my mouth. Everyone of them thinking I'm acting normal, where as I'm very not normal in my head and none of this situation is making sense. THREE, pretending to be normal in itself. Thinking about all of the stuff I've mentioned in this diary wondering if the cracks will ever show, yet wanting them to show, yet not wanting them to show. I know alot of this contradicts itself, but the contradictions don't seem to matter because I really don't know what to believe.

If this world is indeed real and this is all really happening, then one of life's humiliations crept up on me today. I AM BROKE. I have zero money. All of the life I have supposedly led, and what have I got to show for it? Nothing. All of the memories, any hard work, any ambition has counted for nothing. Today I had to yet again suffer the humiliation of asking my mother to pay for my phone bill. I'm struggling to convince myself of the existence of people, but the last ounce of me that might believe this world to be true is a shadow of a functioning member of society. Contributing nothing. Unable to do anything about it, because how can one make something of himself when he doesn't know there is a himself to make something of?

Ma was kind, and could see how upsetting this was to me so made no fuss of it, though she could have. It made me feel slightly more real that she could see the struggle in me at this moment, though I am still of course confused. It did make me feel some emotion, I was on the verge of crying for a while which I guess could proof that there is maybe a bit of human in me.

We walked to get a coffee, and around a couple of shops. There wasn't too much of a dialogue going around in my head at these points, and I was able to put on somewhat of a brave face.

The last few days I've been playing some video games to try and enjoy something. It has distracted me a bit. It even bothers me that I've had the thought to do this though, and much like everything else it doesn't seem quite right when I involve myself in this activity.

Ma came back with Phil as they had bought a takeaway. As I mentioned earlier, I didn't really feel like talking to anyone so probably seemed quite rude. As always though I don't know if care either way what people think, because I'm either not real or very ill so it wouldn't matter.

After dinner I was feeling quite nervous and twitchy. I don't know what brought it on. Before all of this stuff had happened I wouldn't question this. Now I feel as if though nothing make sense, so the fact that this happened is now a big confusion to me along ith everything else. How could I feel this nervous when nothing in particular scared me in that moment? How could it just happen while I was just sitting there with no threats around me?

And that brings me up to date. So things aren't perfect at all. I am slightly mindful though of what we talked about in therapy yesterday. I've been trying to think back to that mindset, of how liberating it felt to just vent like that. To hear someone talk and make some sense of what I was telling them. It was almost like my mind and this world were a it more connected because I had a period of time where I could just talk about all of this stuff and nothing else. I didn't have to talk about paying bills, or going out, or talking about anything in the exterior world; the things that I'm struggling to believe the existence of. It was just all about what was in my head, the thing that seems the most real to me. Well, I will try to keep thinking about this tomorrow.

[Dbsworrier]

02/07/2017


So as usual today I am struggling with the same old stuff. I don't know if I will have much to add in today's entry, but let's see how it goes. I do feel like a broken record at this point, but nothing much changes in general apart from how upset and annoyed I am about the way I feel.

I woke up in the late morning still having that overwhelming feeling of not wanting to do anything until I am sure of what the hell is going on. Ian came round and I talked a bit to him. Still felt like it wasn't me, and still questioned why the hell I was talking about normal stuff when I'm not even sure I'm real. Again though, broken record.

Ma wanted me to go out with her an Phil, but my god I really didn't want to. I don't know how to put across to people that it isn't because I'm being rude, it's because I am frightened. I genuinely don't know whether she exists, whether he exists; so trying to partake in activity with people who I don't know are there is a minefield.

They went out without me,so I went for a walk on my own. Nothing significant to add here, was just one of my normal walks with the same old stuff flying round. When I am on my own, I am still heavily conflicted with what it is that I actually believe. Do I believe I'm real? Am I the same person? I've said it all before. It still amazes me that apparently none of this shows to the outside world. Do people actually think I am doing much better than I am? I guess it's actually hard to show when the conflict is happening within my head and doesn't escape it's walls. I still get the feeling that if I do ever escape this, it will be like waking up from a long dream. And hey I'm not ruling it out. Although there is no evidence that I have actually gone anywhere, everything looks the same, but somehow the way I'm interacting with it seems completely different. Something just seems very off. If I were in the world I know, I wouldn't have that off feeling.

They came home for dinner, and I actually found myself interacting with them surprisingly well. I still felt that I was in the wrong place, but I had to get on with it because I had no choice. I still feel deeply uncomfortable around anybody. Slightly less so with the people who resemble my family, but with people who aren't that close to me it's a real effort to pretend like I am normal. It's amazing how I still have a conscience about these things. I feel so detached, yet am able to keep some sort of social decorum. Is this because I actually deep down know this is all real and just a very strange symptom of illness? Who knows.

So that's another day gone, another day where I am far from answers and very unsure of anything. But what's new there. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow.

[Dbsworrier]

I'm not in the mood to write my entry today as I've had an awful 24 hours. So I will simply ask this question to the forum. How would you react if a loved one came up to you and simply said, 'I don't believe I'm in the real world'? What would you do, what would you say is the typical response.

I ask this because I've literally said 'I don't believe i'm in the real world' to family members, and their reaction was not what I expected. This just seemed to compound my theory. So what do you think?

[Dbsworrier]

Here comes my latest double entry. It's two in one and happening late for reasons that ill become clear as you read. I once again ask to PLEASE comment if you have anything to say. Maybe one of you will have an answer or an explanation for any of this.



03/07/2017 and 04/07/2017


I haven't written an entry for a couple of days because quite frankly I've been lost. I still am in many ways. I'm just hoping to get some answers which will help me get out of this and give me a life.

I'm going to go back to Sunday night where things really got to me. I had finally sent this very diary to Ian to look over to see what his thoughts were. We had a long text exchange afterwards about what he thought. As I read his responses I slowly began to sink internally. He was yet another person who didn't seem to give me the response I wanted to hear. He felt no need to take immediate action to the fact that I really genuinely thought I was in the wrong world. Is there something I'm missing? Is it just that hard to explain? Or do people just think that it simply isn't true? This led me to spiral. If nobody can do anything to intervene when I don't believe I'm really in the real world, then surely that means I'm not in the real world and so need to find a way back to it. But i know there is no way back to the real world, so I'm trapped.

I spent most of that night awake, not knowing what to do, where to escape to. I couldn't ask anybody to help, because they weren't real. These people were not the people from my world. I went downstairs in to the living room, crying uncontrollably. This felt weirdly good because at least I had some sort of human emotion. I sniffed, coughed, and talked to myself through the night knowing there was nothing I could do. I think I secretly wanted my mum upstairs to hear me and come and intervene. But she didn't, because she wasn't real. Plus I wouldn't know what to say to her anyway, and I knew whatever I did say wouldn't get the reaction I desired. I spent the night filling in a crossword, which I was strangely good at considering the circumstances.

At about 4am, I went and layed in my bed. Not knowing if I wanted to sleep or not. I eventually did and didn't get up until 2pm on Monday. I felt horrible, unmotivated, dead, and any number of adjectives to describe shit. Ma came home shortly afterwards. Here is where something had to be done. I didn't want to do any of the normal things she was asking me to do, because I wasn't in the normal world. The day was a bit of a blur from there. All I can remember is we did eventually talk. We went round in circles, neither of us making much sense to eachother. I asked her again and again why she reacts the way she does when I tell her I don't believe this is the real world. Again and again though no answer seemed to satisfy me. I still couldn't believe that if this was indeed all real, someone hadn't treated it as an emergency. Therefore it can't be real.

I'm going to digress slightly to talk about this. It's a question I've asked a few people and still don't understand. If you saw a loved one break their leg in front of you, what would you do? Answer: call an ambulance of course. If someone told you that they genuinely believed they were being followed by a monster, what would you do? Answer: you would get them immediate help from the mental health service, because they are believing something that is not true. Now, where it doesn't make sense to me. If someone told you they genuinely believed they thought that they weren't in the real world, what would you do? Here is where nothing seems to add up, and what proves to me I'm not in the real world. Because people don't answer this question in the same way they would answer the one about the monster, and I don't know why! If this were the real world then people would surely have the same reaction to these two questions. Believing in a monster following you and believing you are in a different world entirely are both FALSE beliefs in the real world. So why then when I tell people I GENUINELY think this is an alternative world, do they not seem worried at all? Do they not believe me? Can they see something I can't in me? Or is it just proof that I am in the wrong world, so of course they wont react in the right way, because this is all just fantasy? If someone could give me the answer to this I would be set for life. But right now, it seems that this is impossible to answer.

After the talk with Ma, I just moped around and acted as normal, just pretending I knew what was going on. We actually went for a walk later on, but it still wasn't right. I had just exhausted myself to the point where I couldn't worry as much as I did about it anymore. I was up again for alot of the night, not being able to do much. I couldn't write a diary entry because it would have been pointless.

On Tuesday I got up at a more respectable half 1. I have not much to add about this day, because the feelings havebeen on a pretty much steady path ever since Sunday night. I spent the day tring to find answers, and not succeeding in that. I did meaningless gardening, or at least watched myself doing this. I only spoke when I had to, and again had little motivation to do anything. When Ma got home, we had dinner and went for a walk. I even took a football to kick around to try and feel something. Maybe I thought this would give me the miracle answers I wanted. Still though, I pretended all the way.

I spoke to Issi on the phone as usual before bed. I haven't really told her much about any of this. She knows I've had a bad couple of days, but I can't bring myself to tell her the absolute truth. I think it's because I fear her reactions the most. Weirdly, I do think that she may react in a different way to how everyone else has been; so I tend to pretend things are better around her. I think it's a fear of losing her. I've lost so much already, my own mind, the world I used to live in. Hell I may have even lost her and everyone else anyway, if this really isn't the real world. I'm scared to tell her, because I fear for what her reaction will be. I mean who wants to stay with someone who is this child-like, less mentally capable than everyone else? And then of course there is the usual, there's no point in telling her, anyone for that matter because they aren't actually there and nothing can be done about it.

So it's actually the 5th as I write this entry for the previous two days. I still feel much the same, and I will see how I feel later as to whether I write another entry for today. I do have a doctors appointment, with an actual doctor tomorrow. I seem to be pinning alot on this, and I fear that is not a good idea. I don't know if this is actually happening, yet it feels like it's the only hope I have. I don't even know how I'm going to get there. I don't want anyone to take me, I just want to get there and get the answers I need. We will wait and see.

[Dbsworrier]

05/07/2017 and 06/07/2017


Just to recap yesterday while I get the thoughts assembled. It was much the same as the previous two days which I had wrapped up in the last entry. Not much to add, still felt the same, still was just watching myself, still was pretending.

Right, so today. Today was the day I had waited 4 months for. The chance to actually see a doctor. I got up in the late morning, and was very nervous. I didn't know if I could take myself all the way to the clinic on my own. I haven't been out that far in a couple of week, let alone the fact that I didn't believe I was in the real world. I had to get dressed and ready reasonably quickly if I was to make it on time. I had a very quick lunch, got my stuff together and went out.

I didn't really think much about anything on the way there. I just hopped on and off the two buses I had to catch, occasionally having a bit of thought about the usual stuff. I walked a short way to complete my journey and handed my letter in to reception. Whilst in the waiting area I noted the cool breeze of the air conditioner, then noted how I was dripping with sweat despite this. I was walking through the heat beforehand and I was of course apprehensive.

The doctor came and got me and walked me through to a consultation room. He asked me how I had been since the crisis team had seen me. I tried to tell him as much of what I felt as possible, but you can never get it all out. He told me words I hopefully will take on board and have been waiting to hear from a doctor. You have anxiety and depersonalisation. I said to him, even though I believe I'm not real? He said yes. It's very complicated, but it is a form of this. He said something which is obvious, but I really needed to hear; that I AM NOT A DOCTOR. No matter how many thoughts I have, what I interpret the situation to be; I am not a qualified clinician so I simply don't have a leg to stand on with my self diagnosis. I just hope I can hold on to this idea. I know exactly what my counter argument would be, but I'm not going to say it.

The doctor was quite scatty in a way. He would ask you a question, be midway through a sentence, and then ask you something else. Anyway I could go through everything that was said, but that would be a waste of time. He upped my venlafaxine (because apparently I was on a child's dose before), and has prescribed me a new drug as well. He will email through all of my treatment details, and hopefully I will have a solid plan in action. One thing he did tell me which is never good news, is that the waiting list for psychotherapy is 11 months! Dear god, hope everything make sense before then. Seriously what the hell is wrong with the world? Seriously ill people have to wait almost a year just to start treatment. Apparently there are four psychiatrists serving a borough of 200,000. TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND. One doctor for every 50,000 people. Unbelievable.

When I left, I felt that usual elation that I always do when leaving a healthcare professional and getting some answers. Hopefully this time it will stick. I am having my private therapy tomorrow, so maybe two straight days of care will help. Ma picked me up and I told he all about it. I was positively talkative at this point and have been for most of the evening. Hopefully this rush will stick.

So since being home I have done some Practical life stuff, while I'm still in an ok mood. I pray to god that this positivity will stick. I'm just so worried it wont make the slightest difference come tomorrow.

So basically the cure for me is to speak to a doctor every day. I wonder if the other 200,000 will step aside and let me have this one? Until tomorrow...

[Dbsworrier]

07/07/2017


I'm going to keep today's entry quite short for two reasons. I don't have much to add and I don't want to dwell on anything.

The only thing of note I did today, was see the therapist. After two straight days of talking about the things I have mentioned so many times I want to see if there is any difference.

So i'm going to try to not think about anything. Easier said than done. But my goal is to not be too optimistic, nor pessimistic. I'm going to hold back on doing too much or too little until I get my treatment plan sent to me. So I pray that nothing overly dramatic happens over the weekend. I will try and take on board what has been said to me.

And that's it, I'm not going to dwell on this entry any longer. Here's hoping.

[Dbsworrier]

08/07/2017 and 09/07/2017


I wasn't fussed about making an entry yesterday, so yet again I'm doing a two in one. Again I don't want to dwell too much on how I'm feeling, so I'm just going to briefly go over what I've done during the day. Obviously the feelings are still there, but I'm trying my best not to feel too strongly one way or the other.

So on Saturday I went for a gentle walk with my mum after lunch. We found a nice path along the canal and did a bit of exploring. We stopped on the way for a cold drink. In the evening, we had dinner in the garden and I played some computer games. It still feels unlike the way I used to feel doing these things, but that's all I will say.

Today, I met Issi at the station and we went on another discovery walk along the canal. We bought some picnic things, and found a spot by a lake to eat it. There were lots of people fishing, and I tried to chat as much as possible and then move on with it, rather than dwell. We walked a little further until Ma came and picked us up. Then in the evening we had a light dinner in the garden and I walked Issi back to the station.

So there it is. A not too exciting, not too boring weekend. That will suit me just fine for the moment. Nothing more to add today. Over and out.

[Dbsworrier]

10/07/2017 and 11/07/2017


I think I am going to make my entries every two days from now on so that I don't have to dwell so much on them. So here is the last two days of my life. Pretty uneventful.

So yesterday I didn't do much. I thought that I might get my letter through from the doctor, but that didn't happen. All I really did was get up late, have lunch and go for a bit of a walk. I played video games n the evening. Been trying to do this to elicit some feeling of the old me.

Today I did much the same. Late up as usual. I've been on three separate walks in the rain today. I like to do this, it always makes me feel something on an emotional level. In the past when I've felt really upset about something, a walk in the rain has always given me some perspective. I've always still felt upset, but it almost puts an interesting and exciting spin on that feeling.

And that's about it for the last couple of days. I'm still trying to keep the philosophy of not feeling strongly either way towards things. It seems to keep me a bit more open minded. If I'm honest, I am still lost and confused. I'm hoping soon this will subside and as I said, I'm not going to dwell on the pessimism.

I did get my letter from the doctor today. On it the diagnosis says, 'anxiety disorder: unspecified'. That doesn't inspire the biggest amount of confidence. Anyway it has outlined a treatment plan, but again I do have that creeping 'but the world isn't real feeling'. Anyway, stop dwelling.

Let's see how the next two days go.

[Dbsworrier]

12/07/2017 and 13/07/2017


I've felt a little bit more iffy these last two days. I'm still trying to keep the same mantra, but something needs to be done to properly boost me. I still feel I need to be convinced about what I actually believe to go any further.

So I have been getting up especially late all week. This means that I haven't been ready to go out and do anything till about 3 in the afternoon. Still I decided to get my bike out and ride it around the park for a bit yesterday. I took some downloaded podcasts and a snack and listened/ate under a tree and then lied down. I have been feeling especially tired recently, I wonder what this is down to. Medication maybe? Or just all the inactivity? In the evening I did exactly as i have done all week.

Today I wasn't ready to do anything until Ma got home. We went for a walk and then she went out alone for a bit. While she was gone I decided to get the bike out again and repeat yesterday's activities. And that's about it for today.

I'm not going to be too negative about this, but I feel the need to write it down. The fact that I still can't convince myself that this is all down to mental illness. I can't seem to link up the timeline to make an explanation for everything. I think it's that niggling that perhaps I believe that this isn't the real world. It feels like nothing would be this complicated in that world. Also no matter what I say to people, I still feel like they don't get it. Like somehow I am on a different wavelength to everyone else. Maybe this is because we are from separate worlds?

Anyway, that's all the dwelling I'm going to do. Therapy again tomorrow. The weeks are whizzing by. I'll probably get a little boost tomorrow, hopefully I'll get better and better at sustaining it.

[Dbsworrier]

If there is a person who can give me an answer to the question I ask in this entry, please do. Because I am yet to find that answer from anyone.


14/07/2017 and 15/07/2017


*Sigh*. So yesterday was fine and no different to the previous few days. Today was a different story and I'm going to have to dwell on it a little bit to make any sense of everything and get it out of my head.

To briefly summarise yesterday, I went to the therapist. As usual everything seemed to be making sense while I was in there, and we were going over things, and I seemed to accept explanations of what was going on while I was there.

Today though, the home truth seems to have hit me. That truth is that I can't begin to use 'coping mechanisms', I can't accept a diagnosis, I can't believe what people are telling me until...I AM CONVINCED I AM IN THE REAL WORLD!

So it's Saturday, which means Ma was home. She wanted to go to Uxbridge. I have not traveled much further than my own town in over a fortnight, and I did not realise what an issue this would be for me. I was feeling apprehensive before we even left. As we drove and eventually got there that only continued and worsened. Of course I didn't let on. Then that demon came back to haunt me. The one question that has bothered me throughout all of this. Everything in the world seems to function the way it should do to me, EXCEPT the way people act when I tell them I don't believe I'm real. Now the irony here is, I don't think I have actually said this to anyone in a long time, but the memories of when it has been came flooding back.

Simply put, how? How when I have said this to someone have they not immediately tried to get me sectioned? How when I have told doctors and therapists, even they have not felt the need to diagnose a more serious issue, when I have told them that this is a BELIEF, NOT A FEELING! Is depersonalisation about your belief system too? If so why is nobody telling me this? I feel I would be a million times better and on the right track if someone just gave me an answer that made sense to me! So when I ask them, why do you not think it is more serious when I tell you I don't believe the world is real? Why can't they answer with, 'it's because I don't think you actually believe that', or a, 'because that's not the way you present yourself'. Even I can think of an answer that might be suitable for me, but nobody has actually said that! So if nobody can answer that question in a way that makes sense, it is the one thing that is wrong with the world, and it is the one question that is most important to me. Yet People do not give me anything along those lines. So this must mean I'm not in the real world, that I am in purgatory or in a coma in a bed somewhere; because if the most important question of all can't be answered in ths world then the rest of it doesn't matter. So if I am in a fake world I want to escape it, yet I don't know where to escape to.

Now I'm going to sound completely contradictory writing the next bit. Because it is something that happened in this world. I spoke to Issi on the phone. She wasn't in a great mood, but I just had to unload this feeling somewhere. I am always nervous about telling close ones anything, partly because I know they wont react in the way I think that they should if they are real, and partly because theirs are the opinions that matter the most to me. So I want to tell Issi stuff because I know she will care, but I don't want to because when she finds out I'm completely nuts she'll have to leave. Anyway, I told her all of this and it feels like she may reach the end of her tether soon. She was having a bad day to begin with, but I had nowhere else to turn. My mum always seems to give me the least satisfactory responses of anyone, telling me she knows how I feel (when I'm sorry she's never believed she wasn't in the real world), and then seemingly not being anymore worried than if I had just stubbed my toe. So I had no choice but to talk to Issi.

It was very hard to put it into words to her, and we talked for a while. Still things didn't seem to add up for me. She asked me how I wanted her to react, and I just said I don't know. When really I think I want her to just call someone and say that she thinks I'm not with it at all. Anyway why should people have to ask me how to react? If this were the real world, surely she would know or just react in the right way. By the end of it I think she was pretty frustrated, and had to go reasonably abruptly without and 'I love you' or anything. This feels like I have finally done it, and pushed someone away; someone I love so dearly. Someone I had ambitions of creating a future with, of travelling the world together, of one day getting married and having children. And yet, does it matter? This isn't the real world, because in the real world everything had an answer that made sense. In this world, everything but one thing has an answer that makes sense.

The afternoon and evening flew by. I rode my bike. I had pizza with Ma and Phil, them being none the wiser of what is going on. They could see I was quiet, but probably think I was just feeling a bit sad. I'm not just sad. I don't know who I am, or where I am, or why this is happening, or IF it is happening.

I've never so much as had a drag of weed my entire life, not even touched a single drug EVER. But I get punished with this trip or whatever this is. Will anyone accept that I don't 'feel this way', I AM this way. Will anybody help me? But of course they can't if this is a fake world. I don't 'feel alone', I truly am alone.